MIL buys way too many gifts for Christmas

[Anonymous]

"Christmas should be about being together!"

And also being clenched and glowering at your kids' grandmother. While we all get that it's a bit over the top, do you want their memories of you at the holidays being a total sourpuss because someone gave them stuff you don't approve of?

[Anonymous]

So your husbands choice is either agree with you or get nagged? He gets no opinion of his own of how xmas should be or what he wants his parents to be able to do? You are really treating your husband like a non person in this

[Anonymous]

OP, this is up to your husband to handle, it's his mother.

If it's (understandably) not a battle he wants to fight with his mother, leave it be. But if you want to undermine your relationship with your MIL by hurting her feelings over something that isn't really that big of a deal, go for it.

[Anonymous]

I would ask yourself if the kids enjoy the gifts. If they don't (it's junk), then definitely shut it down. If they enjoy it, just enjoy the chaos and donate after.

It might be nice if grandparents took half the money spent and just put it in a 529, but I can't control other people's money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is up to your husband to handle, it's his mother.

If it's (understandably) not a battle he wants to fight with his mother, leave it be. But if you want to undermine your relationship with your MIL by hurting her feelings over something that isn't really that big of a deal, go for it.

I actually think this is probably one of a bunch of things that MIL imposes on OP's family around the holidays, and it's the battle she's picked.

Sounds like MIL is hosting Christmas (if she weren't, OP would have other ways to reduce the number of gifts). And that's probably the real issue -- OP would like to be more in charge of her kids' Christmas experience, but since MIL hosts she gets very little say, especially since her DH just defers to his mom on everything.

I have this issue to some extent with my own mom, but since we don't do Christmas at her house, I don't find it that stressful to deal with because I have other ways to ensure that our Christmases reflect our values that we want to pass onto our kids. Grandma sometimes does other stuff, but that's just Grandma doing Grandma stuff. Overall the holiday belongs to us.

I sense OP's holiday belongs to her MIL, and that's the heart of the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that annoys me about the way my mom approaches it is that she explicitly tells the kids (and us) that she is doing it to buy the kid's affection. Like she'll literally shower them with gifts and they say stuff like "Well I have to give you lots of gifts so you'll like me" or "Who is your favorite grandma now that you have all these great gifts?" It's horrendous. We call it out when she does it (especially the "who's your favorite" BS) and I've also talked to her specifically about how this is not a reflection of our values and that in the long run, trying to build a bond with our kids based on this kind of transaction doesn't make for a meaningful connection. She just looks at me blankly. She had abusive parents and her grandparents weren't present in her life. I don't think she'll ever get it.

But I think this is true for a lot of grandparents who do it. Yes, some just enjoy making their grandkids happy. No question. I mean, I feel that too when I'm buying gifts for my kids -- I have to intentionally limit myself because it's so easy to think "oh, they'd love that too!" But I think also a lot of grandparents are like my mom and they think they are buying love and don't really get that you can't buy love. It makes me sad.

Have you watched Bad Moms Christmas? This is one storyline in the movie, right down to the abusive parents. Maybe you'll feel more love and acceptance toward your mom if you watch it. Essentially it stemmed from her insecurities, and when the daughter relaxed, so did her mom. Gift giving is also a love language, so while her words may be crass, it may actually be true for her that giving is how she expresses love.

[Anonymous]

Be appreciative. Mine do absolutely nothing. It makes the kids sad when they are so generous to others and never them. Not even a dollar store present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She finally stopped buying husband and I junk (scarves, hats, trinkets) and instead gives us gift cards (with a few pieces of junk in the stocking). I have been begging my husband for years to ask her to stop buying our kids so many gifts. I end up throwing them out because they don't play with them and it takes up space, or it's crap like candy. I don't want them to think Christmas is about gifts (it should be about being together!) DH has refused my requests to ask her to stop buying them SO many gifts. She buys them about 10 gifts, 1-2 from my BIL and then we may do a few. That's nearly 20 gifts and just not the kind of holiday I envision. I wonder why it's better for him to deal with my nagging of "too many gifts! please stop it!" versus him having a simple conversation "hey mom, we're going to focus on only a few bigger gifts this year".

Anyone else?

It sounds like mental illness. Is there anyway you can put aside some of the presents for birthdays? Or to give them to hospitals for sick children (assuming they are safe)

[Anonymous]

Take control of the situation by forewarning MIL that you will only be taking X number of gifts home so the remainder will need to stay at Grandma's house to be played with on future visits.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel you - completely. My MIL is same. MIL wants to give the biggest and best gifts so that our gifts and Santa’s gifts always paled in comparison. She never asks what to get (doesn’t want suggestions either) or what others are getting DD because we celebrate Christmas Eve with her and she knows that she will be giving gifts before anyone else. It is SO selfish, and it is absolutely her attempt at buying love.

The worst was a $800 item from American Girl that DD mentioned to MIL when I wasn’t around. MIL didn’t ask if we were getting it or if Santa was bringing it. Just went out and bought it. It was extravagant, and DD was actually too old for it, so we ended up selling it. But we were so pissed.

The sad thing is that my DD sees right through it and doesn’t particularly enjoy her grandmother for this and various other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you - completely. My MIL is same. MIL wants to give the biggest and best gifts so that our gifts and Santa’s gifts always paled in comparison. She never asks what to get (doesn’t want suggestions either) or what others are getting DD because we celebrate Christmas Eve with her and she knows that she will be giving gifts before anyone else. It is SO selfish, and it is absolutely her attempt at buying love.

The worst was a $800 item from American Girl that DD mentioned to MIL when I wasn’t around. MIL didn’t ask if we were getting it or if Santa was bringing it. Just went out and bought it. It was extravagant, and DD was actually too old for it, so we ended up selling it. But we were so pissed.

The sad thing is that my DD sees right through it and doesn’t particularly enjoy her grandmother for this and various other reasons.

My MIL made countless Christmas gatherings unnecessarily stressful because of her insistence on bringing carloads ( literally) of gifts every year. Kids were overwhelmed and didn’t appreciate any of it because it was just too much. We kindly asked her to stop and for years she ignored us. The kicker is that we were financially supporting her so it was like watching her spend our hard-earned money on a bunch of useless stuff that got donated anyway. Several years in a row she’d repeat the same toys she gave the year before. I don’t think my kids remember a single gift from Santa because they were buried in Grandma’s toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]Just be grateful. And, donate it, including candy[/b]. Your throwing it away is worse, imo.

+1. stop whining

[Anonymous]

Not worth fighting over this when you have a great way to handle the situation: donate to charity. A women’s shelter, a children’s hospital, save for next year and put in Toys for Tots bin. They’d love to get new toys and other kid items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same issue with my mother-in-law, but you know what it makes her happy and honestly keeps her busy. If she can’t afford it, that would be another issue. We did have to be upfront though, because she will ask us where such and such item is when she visits and so DH says mom, we’ve told you we don’t use those items so we donate them if you give them to us. She still continues to do so ….so whatever.

This is the right approach: tell the person what you think about their behavior in a courteous way, and if that doesn't change their behavior, deal with it another way. If they ask where the stuff is, tell them it's donated. If they get weird about it, that's THEIR problem, not yours.

OP, you're at the beginning of your parenting journey. Take it from me, someone with kids in college, you will have many other battles to fight. This isn't worth having conniptions over. You donate or get rid of stuff, and that's it.

I disagree. I think when you let smaller things slide and don’t enforce boundaries, it causes space for larger violations and boundary stomps to occur. You are giving yourself all of those battles to fight by not having boundaries in circumstances that should be very easy to manage and enforce politely.

[Anonymous]

I host so a few years ago, we started doing secret Santa. Mainly to stop my in laws from buying a bunch of crap. So it’s just one gift per person. MIL complained at first so I told her my house, my rules.