MIL buys way too many gifts for Christmas

[Anonymous]

You're not going to be able to change her behavior. We dole out the gifts throughout the year as the kids complain about being bored (this works b/c MIL and SIL give things like complex puzzles, art/craft kits, games that really only get played once or twice, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Donating the gifts isn’t the solution everyone thinks it is. That’s an entire activity: deciding who will accept the donations, scheduling a pickup or finding time to drop it off. Some donation places have inconvenient times. Some are too full to accept things after the holidays.

It becomes a whole unnecessary activity for the gift receiver if it’s too much stuff.

^^^this is literally not a thing. I have never had any issue whatsoever dropping off or schduling a pickup, before, during, or after the holidays. You're making sh-- up.

Where do you think donated gifts end up? The US government has very successfully set up goodwill and Purple Heart to trick Americans into thinking donated items end up being used to make us feel good about buying more stuff. It mostly ends up in poor countries.

https://www.vox.com/the-goods/22700581/aja-barber-consumed-book-fast-fashion-ghana

Great, as long as people are using them, who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this but I'm firm with her and just say no.

Also, we do Christmas in our home. Grandparents are invited but don't host. That gives us a lot more leverage. Grandparents don't do kids stockings. I explicitly tell them in the lead up to the holiday "here's the kids list, here is what we are getting them, if you want to do one big present or 2-3 smaller ones, that's up to you." More than 3 gifts and I'd pull them aside before the morning and say "this feels like a lot for each kid to get -- we don't want to se this expectation and also our kids are so fortunate and truly don't need for much. can we save some of these for a birthday or another holiday?"

I've also explained to them that giving kids a lot of gifts at once tends to cheapen all the gifts. If they get 5 gifts (say 1 or 2 bigger toys, a new pair of shoes, some books, and some art supplies) they will play with/wear/use everything they get immediately and for months to come. If they get 20 gifts, 90% of them will get forgotten in the heap within a day because it's simply not possible to care about that many items at once.

The grandparents want to give the gifts that get used and loved, so this has been a compelling argument to giving fewer (but better, not junky) gifts, even though my mom's tendency is definitely very similar to your MIL's.

GRINCH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Christmas should be about being together!"

And also being clenched and glowering at your kids' grandmother. While we all get that it's a bit over the top, do you want their memories of you at the holidays being a total sourpuss because someone gave them stuff you don't approve of?

I say this kindly and attempting to be helpful but, OP, THIS is a good post. ^^^^ And tread lightly as this will be how you're remembered. As Elsa said: LET.IT.GO.

+1 if at some point you become a grandparent, they will likely model their behavior on your treatment of their grandparents. At then very least, consider how they will view their childhood christmases - your description sounds torturous. And for what end? If you demonstrate these values daily, a few days a year will notncorrupt your children. Also, why does your husband not engage? Have you asked him? If this is his mom, is it possible his idea of Christmas is more in line with your MIL, but he doesn’t want to tell you? The balance can go too far in either direction- whether it be over gifting or tightly limiting any gifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She finally stopped buying husband and I junk (scarves, hats, trinkets) and instead gives us gift cards (with a few pieces of junk in the stocking). I have been begging my husband for years to ask her to stop buying our kids so many gifts. I end up throwing them out because they don't play with them and it takes up space, or it's crap like candy. I don't want them to think Christmas is about gifts (it should be about being together!) DH has refused my requests to ask her to stop buying them SO many gifts. She buys them about 10 gifts, 1-2 from my BIL and then we may do a few. That's nearly 20 gifts and just not the kind of holiday I envision. I wonder why it's better for him to deal with my nagging of "too many gifts! please stop it!" versus him having a simple conversation "hey mom, we're going to focus on only a few bigger gifts this year".

Anyone else?

MILs damned if they do damned if they don't. And no I never felt like you. You sound petty.
Some women on here don't realize their own controlling behavior yet scream it to the world about their husband's actions.
Why can't you just be grateful your MIL cares ?

You don’t get to dictate what others do. Say thank you and donate later.

Not OP.
MILs (and moms) like this are making it about themselves. They are told over and over to give one nice gift and not mountains of junk. Instead of respecting my wishes, they ignore it and try to control Christmas giving. Why am I the bad person when I don’t want to fill the landfill with plastic or have bins of stuff stacked in my house? In case of my MIL, I have told her I cannot keep any of her gifts unless it’s something the kids have asked for. Why can’t she respect that gifting should be about the recipient and not the giver?

[Anonymous]

We deal with this too. With my MIL, it comes from generosity so I try to direct her to things the kids would like and otherwise let it go. I quietly donate the junky or too-young stuff that shows up in stockings and Easter baskets.

With my mom, it sadly comes from her shopping addiction and we are just the excuse to putter around TJMaxx or wherever. Then she attaches outsize emotional value to the item ("that's the snow globe I gave you, I remember that moment!") and gets mad if we donate. It's really tricky to navigate. I screen all her gifts, especially because she tends to pick up things at yard sales that are incomplete or otherwise not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Wow how spoiled are you

Say thank you then donate

Done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Donating the gifts isn’t the solution everyone thinks it is. That’s an entire activity: deciding who will accept the donations, scheduling a pickup or finding time to drop it off. Some donation places have inconvenient times. Some are too full to accept things after the holidays.

It becomes a whole unnecessary activity for the gift receiver if it’s too much stuff.

^^^this is literally not a thing. I have never had any issue whatsoever dropping off or schduling a pickup, before, during, or after the holidays. You're making sh-- up.

Yes, it is a thing. I live in DC and most places that accept donations are on the outskirts of the city or further out. Sometimes the Goodwill in Arlington has a car line wrapped around the building even in the summer. Green drop is only once a week on Mondays in my area. I tried to schedule a pickup with Wider Circle and it was weeks out for availability. At one point several places in the DC area wouldn't accept anymore clothes because they didn't have enough volunteers to sort through it.

No, it's not always a headache. Sometimes it's simple. But the point is, it's not harmless to show up with bags of unwanted/unneeded stuff to someone's house. It's bad for the environment, it clutters the home, and stresses out the parents who become responsible for where to put/donate everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Donating the gifts isn’t the solution everyone thinks it is. That’s an entire activity: deciding who will accept the donations, scheduling a pickup or finding time to drop it off. Some donation places have inconvenient times. Some are too full to accept things after the holidays.

It becomes a whole unnecessary activity for the gift receiver if it’s too much stuff.

^^^this is literally not a thing. I have never had any issue whatsoever dropping off or schduling a pickup, before, during, or after the holidays. You're making sh-- up.

Where do you think donated gifts end up? The US government has very successfully set up goodwill and Purple Heart to trick Americans into thinking donated items end up being used to make us feel good about buying more stuff. It mostly ends up in poor countries.

https://www.vox.com/the-goods/22700581/aja-barber-consumed-book-fast-fashion-ghana

Great, as long as people are using them, who cares?

Np but clearly you didn’t read the article. I’ve been to Ghana. I’ve seen this in person.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-08-12/fast-fashion-turning-parts-ghana-into-toxic-landfill/100358702

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Donating the gifts isn’t the solution everyone thinks it is. That’s an entire activity: deciding who will accept the donations, scheduling a pickup or finding time to drop it off. Some donation places have inconvenient times. Some are too full to accept things after the holidays.

It becomes a whole unnecessary activity for the gift receiver if it’s too much stuff.

+1

^^^this is literally not a thing. I have never had any issue whatsoever dropping off or schduling a pickup, before, during, or after the holidays. You're making sh-- up.

Yes, it is a thing. I live in DC and most places that accept donations are on the outskirts of the city or further out. Sometimes the Goodwill in Arlington has a car line wrapped around the building even in the summer. Green drop is only once a week on Mondays in my area. I tried to schedule a pickup with Wider Circle and it was weeks out for availability. At one point several places in the DC area wouldn't accept anymore clothes because they didn't have enough volunteers to sort through it.

No, it's not always a headache. Sometimes it's simple. But the point is, it's not harmless to show up with bags of unwanted/unneeded stuff to someone's house. It's bad for the environment, it clutters the home, and stresses out the parents who become responsible for where to put/donate everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She finally stopped buying husband and I junk (scarves, hats, trinkets) and instead gives us gift cards (with a few pieces of junk in the stocking). I have been begging my husband for years to ask her to stop buying our kids so many gifts. I end up throwing them out because they don't play with them and it takes up space, or it's crap like candy. I don't want them to think Christmas is about gifts (it should be about being together!) DH has refused my requests to ask her to stop buying them SO many gifts. She buys them about 10 gifts, 1-2 from my BIL and then we may do a few. That's nearly 20 gifts and just not the kind of holiday I envision. I wonder why it's better for him to deal with my nagging of "too many gifts! please stop it!" versus him having a simple conversation "hey mom, we're going to focus on only a few bigger gifts this year".

Anyone else?

It sounds like mental illness. Is there anyway you can put aside some of the presents for birthdays? Or to give them to hospitals for sick children (assuming they are safe)

DCUM’s gotta DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Donating the gifts isn’t the solution everyone thinks it is. That’s an entire activity: deciding who will accept the donations, scheduling a pickup or finding time to drop it off. Some donation places have inconvenient times. Some are too full to accept things after the holidays.

It becomes a whole unnecessary activity for the gift receiver if it’s too much stuff.

I want your life. You have no actual problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Donating the gifts isn’t the solution everyone thinks it is. That’s an entire activity: deciding who will accept the donations, scheduling a pickup or finding time to drop it off. Some donation places have inconvenient times. Some are too full to accept things after the holidays.

It becomes a whole unnecessary activity for the gift receiver if it’s too much stuff.

^^^this is literally not a thing. I have never had any issue whatsoever dropping off or schduling a pickup, before, during, or after the holidays. You're making sh-- up.

NP. Yea, actually, it is just another thing moms get burdened with. I’m glad PP spoke up. Why can’t the gift giver respect the recipients wishes?

Clearly OP’s husband — you know, the children’s OTHER PARENT — has no problem with it. Guess OP will just have to cope with this terrible traumatic burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Donating the gifts isn’t the solution everyone thinks it is. That’s an entire activity: deciding who will accept the donations, scheduling a pickup or finding time to drop it off. Some donation places have inconvenient times. Some are too full to accept things after the holidays.

It becomes a whole unnecessary activity for the gift receiver if it’s too much stuff.

^^^this is literally not a thing. I have never had any issue whatsoever dropping off or schduling a pickup, before, during, or after the holidays. You're making sh-- up.

Where do you think donated gifts end up? The US government has very successfully set up goodwill and Purple Heart to trick Americans into thinking donated items end up being used to make us feel good about buying more stuff. It mostly ends up in poor countries.

https://www.vox.com/the-goods/22700581/aja-barber-consumed-book-fast-fashion-ghana

Great, as long as people are using them, who cares?

Didn't read the article did ya

[Anonymous]

DH told his mom to get less gifts EVERY year, and she says she will, but it was still like 25 gifts per kid for many years. At some point we compromised and asked her to only get 2-3 larger gifts and then a stocking full of smaller ones. And it was still double that, but it got better. We ended up donating a lot of it, and have dropped her hints here and there that we end up donating a lot of the things that the kids get because we don't have the room. When she asks about a gift, and we donated it, we tell her we donated it. I've also told her I donate an entire carload of toys and other kid stuff every season.

The kids are now around age 10 so the gifts have slowed down significantly, either because of age, or MIL understands after 10 years of reminders to get less gifts every year.