Do grandparents always favor the first born grandchild?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes that is my hypothesis - they want to look out for the well-being of sil child. They already take him for long weekends and he just spent Thanksgiving week with them. They already get a lot of 1 on 1 time and will drive and pick him up. Mil made some comment on how she would love to do the same with our child but she won't be worried and can just be grandma.

it brought up conversations on us eventually moving near sil too. We very much do not want that. Not all for them but we don't want to live in their city/state. We also don't want the dynamic of living nearby and raising the kids together. We just have different priorities

Then what is the problem?

It honestly does not sound as though you want to be super close to your ILs or have them super involved in raising your kid. By the way, there are downsides to this. My parents are much closer to my older sister's kids than any of the other grandchildren, but right now mom and sister are not even speaking because my sister feels like my mom oversteps a lot with the kids and they argue over what is best for them. Meanwhile I have a less close but more positive relationship with my parents, who never meddle in my parenting and DH and I make all the choices for our kids without input from any grandparents. I'd rather do it our way than my sister's way.

I also choose not to live super close to family because as a PP put it, family is so damn complicated and I find it easier to set healthy boundaries and have good relationships when we have a little bit of distance. Sounds like that might work better for you too.

Also never discount the way that pregnancy hormones can make you more sensitive to stuff like this. It's a biological imperative -- you are sacrificing your body to bring a human into the world, and your hormones are aggressively encouraging you to do everything in your power to protect that human. Even telling you that it might be a problem if your ILs move closer to your SIL to help with your niece/nephew, something that probably doesn't even matter in the long run but your hormonal brain is telling you is a big problem and making you feel competitive for resources with your SIL. I know some people don't like this phrase, but: it's baby brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some do, I think who the parent is matters more. If there is a golden child, their kid will be the one that matters.

This

[Anonymous]

My one set of grandparents favored the daughter's son, who was also the first born.

My other set of grandparents favored their last two grandchildren (of 11 grandchildren) who were from their favorite son.

In both cases, the grandkids lived close to the grandparents. I didn't mind at all and I also felt close to all my grandparents.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is closer to my SIL and my FIL is closer to DH. There is a 9 year age difference betweeen my nephew and DS so it kind of helped even things out. Plus MIL is better with preschool age and up so by the time DS was that age, nephew was entering the age of not wanting to hang out with grandparents as much. Overall I have no issues with any of my in laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some do, I think who the parent is matters more. If there is a golden child, their kid will be the one that matters.

This. We have seen this play out to insane degrees in DH's family - which means that is the grandparent's tarnished legacy, if that is what the grandparent chooses. My family grew up quite close (literally and physically), and grandkids were treated equally. There was some favoritism of my sister for a few years growing up (by my mother) - but nothing compared to DH's family, with certain enmeshed and codependent family members - it adversely affects that person, socially and mentally, for life.

DH and I agree that we would not want to be the "favorite", because it just hurts the "favorited" one the most, in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is closer to my SIL and my FIL is closer to DH. There is a 9 year age difference betweeen my nephew and DS so it kind of helped even things out. Plus MIL is better with preschool age and up so by the time DS was that age, nephew was entering the age of not wanting to hang out with grandparents as much. Overall I have no issues with any of my in laws

What if MIL is not good with any age?

[Anonymous]

No. They will always favor their favorite child's children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes that is my hypothesis - they want to look out for the well-being of sil child. They already take him for long weekends and he just spent Thanksgiving week with them. They already get a lot of 1 on 1 time and will drive and pick him up. Mil made some comment on how she would love to do the same with our child but she won't be worried and can just be grandma.

it brought up conversations on us eventually moving near sil too. We very much do not want that. Not all for them but we don't want to live in their city/state. We also don't want the dynamic of living nearby and raising the kids together. We just have different priorities

Then what is the problem?

It honestly does not sound as though you want to be super close to your ILs or have them super involved in raising your kid. By the way, there are downsides to this. My parents are much closer to my older sister's kids than any of the other grandchildren, but right now mom and sister are not even speaking because my sister feels like my mom oversteps a lot with the kids and they argue over what is best for them. Meanwhile I have a less close but more positive relationship with my parents, who never meddle in my parenting and DH and I make all the choices for our kids without input from any grandparents. I'd rather do it our way than my sister's way.

I also choose not to live super close to family because as a PP put it, family is so damn complicated and I find it easier to set healthy boundaries and have good relationships when we have a little bit of distance. Sounds like that might work better for you too.

Also never discount the way that pregnancy hormones can make you more sensitive to stuff like this. It's a biological imperative -- you are sacrificing your body to bring a human into the world, and your hormones are aggressively encouraging you to do everything in your power to protect that human. Even telling you that it might be a problem if your ILs move closer to your SIL to help with your niece/nephew, something that probably doesn't even matter in the long run but your hormonal brain is telling you is a big problem and making you feel competitive for resources with your SIL. I know some people don't like this phrase, but: it's baby brain.

I would not discount PP's feelings, but I would say to be aware that the dysfunction exists, and do your best to distnace yourself from it. MIl discounted DH's feelings constantly, and it made him think less of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. They will always favor their favorite child's children.

Not necessarily. My kids are ILs favorite even though DH isn’t their favorite child by far. My kids aren’t even the oldest or the youngest among their cousins. We are the only local ones out of all DH’s siblings so ILs see us/our kids much much more frequently than their other grandchildren, I think that must make the biggest difference.

[Anonymous]

Not in my experience. Grandparents in our family are enthralled with each grandkid and over the moon whenever a new one is born. Step-grandkids are also folded right in and bragged on like they were in the room when the baby was born. Our family is not perfect but it's nice to reflect that this is not an issue we face.

[Anonymous]

Very weird question. Not everybody in any group, age, relationship, cohort etc. ALWAYS does anything and any "evidence" you get here is purely anecdotal.

Grandparents often don't favor one particular grandchild although some do, it is obviously relative to many factors like which of their children is the parent, proximity, their age, the child's age, the family circumstances, etc etc etc.

Just deal with your own situation because having some theory about what grandparents "always" do will not help you at all since there is nothing that all grandparents always do.

That would be like me asking if brand new parents always ask really inane questions and draw very lame conclusions based on anecdotal evidence. Hopefully the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

In honesty, yes, in my experience observing grandparents, the first is special in a way that later kids are not. But later kids can develop good relationships too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some do, I think who the parent is matters more. If there is a golden child, their kid will be the one that matters.

This. We have seen this play out to insane degrees in DH's family - which means that is the grandparent's tarnished legacy, if that is what the grandparent chooses. My family grew up quite close (literally and physically), and grandkids were treated equally. There was some favoritism of my sister for a few years growing up (by my mother) - but nothing compared to DH's family, with certain enmeshed and codependent family members - it adversely affects that person, socially and mentally, for life.

DH and I agree that we would not want to be the "favorite", because it just hurts the "favorited" one the most, in the long run.

This is so true. You see it in both of our families, with my sister in my family and with DH's older brother in his. In both case, there was (and is) tons of enmeshment and terrible boundaries.

With my sister, it led to my parents becoming super overbearing and invasive regarding her family, but also feeling entitled to it because my parents had helped them so much over the years (like bough them a house, my dad employed my BIL for a decade, my mom provided free childcare to them for years, my parents paid for IVF for two of their kids, etc.). So my sister started to push back and wanted more space, but by then there were all these expectations and everyone was hurt, there was counseling and honestly things are still really messed up because these people never established normal boundaries.

With my BIL, he's so enmeshed with my MIL that they live together, BIL will never marry or have kids, and DH and I are just at the point where we are trying to mitigate issues with MIL's elder care and then later with BIL's elder care, since he basically never launched as an adult at has no other relationships. Goal is just to keep our kids from ever feeling obligated to take care of him.

It can be hard to be "not the favorite" when you are a kid or young adult and it feels like all the love and attention goes to the golden child. But watching it play out over decades, I think being neglected and ignored by my parents was one of the best things that could have happened. It sucks not to feel loved or cared for by your parents, but at least I'm free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes that is my hypothesis - they want to look out for the well-being of sil child. They already take him for long weekends and he just spent Thanksgiving week with them. They already get a lot of 1 on 1 time and will drive and pick him up. Mil made some comment on how she would love to do the same with our child but she won't be worried and can just be grandma.

it brought up conversations on us eventually moving near sil too. We very much do not want that. Not all for them but we don't want to live in their city/state. We also don't want the dynamic of living nearby and raising the kids together. We just have different priorities

So what’s the problem then? I don’t get it.

+1

OP, don't look for reasons to feel slighted. Of all the things to worry about after having children, don't put this on the list. Particularly over a scenario you clearly say you're not interested in.

*And it's kind of a sh*tty thought to call it "favoritism" to begin with when you and your ILs say in your opinion their daughter is struggling as a parent. If it's true, that child needs love and support and you should want nothing more for them.

[Anonymous]

No, the oldest will always be special but not necessarily the favorite. We love all of our grandchildren but we do have favorites yet we do our best to conceal it. We are closer to our daughters children than my sons because our DILs child rearing approach is different than our daughters which are more aligned with ours. But we get along with her so it’s not a big issue.