This week is the worst week of my life

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems you are in a situation akin to a break-up, devastated by the loss of a loved one from your life. But presumably this situation will unfold in slow motion vs. being abruptly dumped. For most people, caring for elderly parents creates a squeeze, hence the term sandwich generation, not enough time in the day (or energy) to deal with all your obligations. If that doesn’t apply in your case, then your journey to reclaiming happiness (if you’ve ever been happy) will look different.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry OP. I’m going through something similar with my mom. She is physically and mentally falling apart. My dad is healthy but is scared and is just not capable of taking care of her. Frustratingly, they refuse to move from their two story home that doesn’t have a bedroom or a bathroom on the main level. They live an hour away so it’s just far enough that I can’t be there to help all the time. Three of their four parents died suddenly, young or over a few months. The last grandparent went into assisted living as soon as she was unable to care for herself. My parents have no idea what it is like to be a child of aging parents and the worry and guilt that goes with it. My siblings and I don’t know what to do. The thing that makes me feel better is seeing my friends who went through this heartbreak and seeing them come out on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been living this for a couple of years and I can empathize.

It’s good that you recognize it now. Take care of yourself, maintain your own space, and let your parents handle as much as they can. Recognize that you are in good company. Don’t let them hurt you if they get into an episode. Talk to them like young children. You can check in over the phone and at brief times weekly or biweekly or monthly and that’s plenty.

You’ll get used to it and over time it won’t be so intolerable.

Yeah it’s really important to maintain some emotional boundaries. For a long time I would talk to my mom and it was like her emotions were my emotions. If she was anxious and spiraling, depressed, then I was anxious and depressed. My parents are mid 80s and may potentially live another ten years and I just realized I can’t be anxious and depressed for the next ten years. I can be sympathetic but have to work really hard to not get sucked into the drama, the conflict. They were always difficult people and I did a good job of being polite, cordial but not close to them. The hardest thing about this stage is having to spend more time with them, to absorb the cruelty and abuse of an unfiltered old persons thoughts and the emotions.

How were you able to do this?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op. I hope they die sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been living this for a couple of years and I can empathize.

It’s good that you recognize it now. Take care of yourself, maintain your own space, and let your parents handle as much as they can. Recognize that you are in good company. Don’t let them hurt you if they get into an episode. Talk to them like young children. You can check in over the phone and at brief times weekly or biweekly or monthly and that’s plenty.

You’ll get used to it and over time it won’t be so intolerable.

Yeah it’s really important to maintain some emotional boundaries. For a long time I would talk to my mom and it was like her emotions were my emotions. If she was anxious and spiraling, depressed, then I was anxious and depressed. My parents are mid 80s and may potentially live another ten years and I just realized I can’t be anxious and depressed for the next ten years. I can be sympathetic but have to work really hard to not get sucked into the drama, the conflict. They were always difficult people and I did a good job of being polite, cordial but not close to them. The hardest thing about this stage is having to spend more time with them, to absorb the cruelty and abuse of an unfiltered old persons thoughts and the emotions.

How were you able to do this?

Not the person you are responding to, but I also detached and stopped getting sucked into drama. It helped that I saw what became of relatives who got sucked into everything revolving around the anxious and angry elder. They were rewarded with cancer-both of them. One had a heart attack first. There are sadly parents who will eat their young if you let them. Some were better people before, some were always abusive. You have to chose to take care of your health and sanity. There is no reward for destroying your own life trying to do what you think your elderly parent expects.

So you decide to survive this. You make sure they are getting decent care. You hire outsiders or access volunteer networks or do whatever you can to be able to lead your own life too.You accept that we all have our challenges and some of us have harder aging parent experiences than others. You can't change this. All you do is focus on the things under your control.

If they turn abusive, you don't even have to absorb the abuse. I leave. I don't care if the parent has dementia. They see to understand I have no tolerance and they shape up when I ship out. I won't allow even a second of abusive behavior toward or near my kids. There is a lot of BS online about working around abuse. No thanks. I have too much going on to dance around abuse.

[Anonymous]

I think like you, but seeing your post, I realize how we catastrophize. . Instead of dealing with what happened today, you are subjecting your psyche to “never being happy again.”

Try to stop. Take one challenge at a time. When you solve it, be happy. When you can relax or enjoy something, be happy. When your parents have a good day,, be happy.
Don’t write off the next decade or more . That is a really unhealthy tendency.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I think that CBT might help you frame/ label it less catastrophically.

[Anonymous]

Although it may be draining - spend time with them, later you wont regret it and may even wish you had done more.
Life is very very precious, you don't get time back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although it may be draining - spend time with them, later you wont regret it and may even wish you had done more.
Life is very very precious, you don't get time back.

PP, I think you are well intentioned with this, but I can assure you I will not be happier if I spend more time with my emotionally abusive mother. Hard stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although it may be draining - spend time with them, later you wont regret it and may even wish you had done more.
Life is very very precious, you don't get time back.

PP, I think you are well intentioned with this, but I can assure you I will not be happier if I spend more time with my emotionally abusive mother. Hard stop.

Yeah, this is truly lousy advice unless maybe the elder is very pleasant. I made myself physically ill trying to do this. Best thing I ever did was distance. I made sure she had decent care. If anyone turns verbally and emotionally abusive with you I give you permission to protect yourself and step back. I don't care if the person is mentally ill, has a brain tumor, has dementia or is just a nasty person, you hire out care with the money they have and you protect your sanity. Most of the people I know who sucked it up with abuse to spend as much time as possible with crazy granny are dead now and they died pretty miserable deaths. They were no halo awarded to them after years of abuse. usually instead it was a diagnosis of some fatal condition so they didn't even get to finally enjoy life once the person was resting in peace. Take care of yourself now.

[Anonymous]

YES! I feel like I could’ve written this. Frankly, I got on an antidepressant because I was losing my mind with the stress of my aging parents having a weekly or daily drama on top of my own regular work and parenting of young kids stress. Having limits and boundaries with the elder care is essential or you will be dragged into a never ending spiral. My biggest fear is that this drama (health and otherwise) will continue for another decade into their 90s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been living this for a couple of years and I can empathize.

It’s good that you recognize it now. Take care of yourself, maintain your own space, and let your parents handle as much as they can. Recognize that you are in good company. Don’t let them hurt you if they get into an episode. Talk to them like young children. You can check in over the phone and at brief times weekly or biweekly or monthly and that’s plenty.

You’ll get used to it and over time it won’t be so intolerable.

Yeah it’s really important to maintain some emotional boundaries. For a long time I would talk to my mom and it was like her emotions were my emotions. If she was anxious and spiraling, depressed, then I was anxious and depressed. My parents are mid 80s and may potentially live another ten years and I just realized I can’t be anxious and depressed for the next ten years. I can be sympathetic but have to work really hard to not get sucked into the drama, the conflict. They were always difficult people and I did a good job of being polite, cordial but not close to them. The hardest thing about this stage is having to spend more time with them, to absorb the cruelty and abuse of an unfiltered old persons thoughts and the emotions.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure it is hard for everyone but it also sounds like many people have money to deal with the problem. What if your parent is out of state, has no savings, small pension but makes so little as to not owe taxes? I’m responsible for 6 seniors — in two different states plus my husband and kids are facing health / mental issues. I am also having heart and anxiety issues. I have no more to give. My childless uncle opted for independent living instead of assisted living — we had long arguments around it. He’s demanding more attention than my own parents. And today the independent living staff called me — he hasn’t even been there a month. He thinks he’s low maintenance but never has been. My hair is on fire. I feel for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although it may be draining - spend time with them, later you wont regret it and may even wish you had done more.
Life is very very precious, you don't get time back.

Said no one with needy parents who have dementia/Alzheimer’s. I only regret I am giving to much time and my spouse and kids are missing out.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm ahead of you, and you'll see there are many ups and downs.

The radical acceptance pp and others have given good advice.

I'm sorry, it's hard. At one point my dad who has Alzheimer's told me to chill the F out. After a good cry, I did and it's improved our relationship. GL!

[Anonymous]

You must live a charmed life if this is the worst thing that has ever happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it is hard for everyone but it also sounds like many people have money to deal with the problem. What if your parent is out of state, has no savings, small pension but makes so little as to not owe taxes? I’m responsible for 6 seniors — in two different states plus my husband and kids are facing health / mental issues. I am also having heart and anxiety issues. I have no more to give. My childless uncle opted for independent living instead of assisted living — we had long arguments around it. He’s demanding more attention than my own parents. And today the independent living staff called me — he hasn’t even been there a month. He thinks he’s low maintenance but never has been. My hair is on fire. I feel for OP.

PP, you are responsible for your children only. You are available on a consulting basis to the other six seniors as you can handle given your day to day responsibilities to your own kids. Driving yourself crazy to point of physical illness will not help anyone. Would you want your own kids to neglect their families to deal with you? Your health is the most important thing here. Let go of your sense of responsibility to the seniors. Medicare/Medicaid can take care of them when they can't take care of themselves.