This week is the worst week of my life

[Anonymous]

You're just going through a low point. You're not going to spend the next 10 years at this point. Most likely there will be highs and lows- life is like that. You're just adjusting now, so go with it. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. It sounds like you're feeling hopeless, but I think you'll be able to get back to finding happiness again sometime. Do you have any siblings who can help shoulder some burden?

Yea. Siblings don’t matter. It usually falls on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it is hard for everyone but it also sounds like many people have money to deal with the problem. What if your parent is out of state, has no savings, small pension but makes so little as to not owe taxes? I’m responsible for 6 seniors — in two different states plus my husband and kids are facing health / mental issues. I am also having heart and anxiety issues. I have no more to give. My childless uncle opted for independent living instead of assisted living — we had long arguments around it. He’s demanding more attention than my own parents. And today the independent living staff called me — he hasn’t even been there a month. He thinks he’s low maintenance but never has been. My hair is on fire. I feel for OP.

PP, you are responsible for your children only. You are available on a consulting basis to the other six seniors as you can handle given your day to day responsibilities to your own kids. Driving yourself crazy to point of physical illness will not help anyone. Would you want your own kids to neglect their families to deal with you? Your health is the most important thing here. Let go of your sense of responsibility to the seniors. Medicare/Medicaid can take care of them when they can't take care of themselves.

Thanks, I’m PP. There is just so much guilt-tripping everywhere, which I’m sure OP and others have/are experiencing. Some of it is the feeling of inadequacy and some of it frustration especially when situations were foreseeable. I tried to get people moving ahead of the curve because I know that my own health started to go and now there are too many balls in the air. I cannot tell these people about what’s really going on with me and my family without getting gaslighted. It isn’t worth telling them but not saying anything leaves them believing what they want anyway — that I have no worries. (My f’in heart stopped and I woke up in a pool of blood — on the outside it looks like I am in good shape — I am not.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it is hard for everyone but it also sounds like many people have money to deal with the problem. What if your parent is out of state, has no savings, small pension but makes so little as to not owe taxes? I’m responsible for 6 seniors — in two different states plus my husband and kids are facing health / mental issues. I am also having heart and anxiety issues. I have no more to give. My childless uncle opted for independent living instead of assisted living — we had long arguments around it. He’s demanding more attention than my own parents. And today the independent living staff called me — he hasn’t even been there a month. He thinks he’s low maintenance but never has been. My hair is on fire. I feel for OP.

PP, you are responsible for your children only. You are available on a consulting basis to the other six seniors as you can handle given your day to day responsibilities to your own kids. Driving yourself crazy to point of physical illness will not help anyone. Would you want your own kids to neglect their families to deal with you? Your health is the most important thing here. Let go of your sense of responsibility to the seniors. Medicare/Medicaid can take care of them when they can't take care of themselves.

Thanks, I’m PP. There is just so much guilt-tripping everywhere, which I’m sure OP and others have/are experiencing. Some of it is the feeling of inadequacy and some of it frustration especially when situations were foreseeable. I tried to get people moving ahead of the curve because I know that my own health started to go and now there are too many balls in the air. I cannot tell these people about what’s really going on with me and my family without getting gaslighted. It isn’t worth telling them but not saying anything leaves them believing what they want anyway — that I have no worries. (My f’in heart stopped and I woke up in a pool of blood — on the outside it looks like I am in good shape — I am not.)

Not the person you are responding to, but I am the person who talked about radical acceptance. They made their choices. There are consequences for those choices. You have to find that limit where you do what you can truly handle and not a bit more. If they die of an injury at home that could have been prevented you know you tried. You are not all powerful. You do more harm trying to please them while destroying yourself and robbing your kids of the attention they need to grow. If there is little money, you simply find out what is available to them for what they can afford. If you cannot afford a case manager to check on them, get adult protective services to assess their needs. That is free.

I had enough crises happen in the family I created that the guilt finally left me. I saw how utterly selfish and entitled my parent was making demands on me while I was balancing so much with my own illness on top of it and I realized the only person who could save me was me. I had to be the loving parent I never had. I had to give myself permission to have professionals check on her and advocate for what she needed and if she ignored them too, so be it. I would no longer argue. I would no longer be a toilet for her emotional vomit. She could afford therapy and even someone with mild dementia can do therapy. If she refused to allow adjustments of her meds and kept going off the mood stabilizing meds then so be it. She knew becoming a tyrant could be in her future. She heard the stories of her own parents from her siblings, but she refused to support them and she refused to face reality and plan. She does not care about my illness. She does not care about the well-being of her grandchildren or son in law. I have to chose them. She had a full life. They have not. She had many privileges we will never have. She cannot see how fortunate she has been and it is not my problem. I just try different venues to get gher the care she needs, but accept she is stubborn and difficult and it's not my job to rescue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it is hard for everyone but it also sounds like many people have money to deal with the problem. What if your parent is out of state, has no savings, small pension but makes so little as to not owe taxes? I’m responsible for 6 seniors — in two different states plus my husband and kids are facing health / mental issues. I am also having heart and anxiety issues. I have no more to give. My childless uncle opted for independent living instead of assisted living — we had long arguments around it. He’s demanding more attention than my own parents. And today the independent living staff called me — he hasn’t even been there a month. He thinks he’s low maintenance but never has been. My hair is on fire. I feel for OP.

PP, you are responsible for your children only. You are available on a consulting basis to the other six seniors as you can handle given your day to day responsibilities to your own kids. Driving yourself crazy to point of physical illness will not help anyone. Would you want your own kids to neglect their families to deal with you? Your health is the most important thing here. Let go of your sense of responsibility to the seniors. Medicare/Medicaid can take care of them when they can't take care of themselves.

Thanks, I’m PP. There is just so much guilt-tripping everywhere, which I’m sure OP and others have/are experiencing. Some of it is the feeling of inadequacy and some of it frustration especially when situations were foreseeable. I tried to get people moving ahead of the curve because I know that my own health started to go and now there are too many balls in the air. I cannot tell these people about what’s really going on with me and my family without getting gaslighted. It isn’t worth telling them but not saying anything leaves them believing what they want anyway — that I have no worries. (My f’in heart stopped and I woke up in a pool of blood — on the outside it looks like I am in good shape — I am not.)

Not the person you are responding to, but I am the person who talked about radical acceptance. They made their choices. There are consequences for those choices. You have to find that limit where you do what you can truly handle and not a bit more. If they die of an injury at home that could have been prevented you know you tried. You are not all powerful. You do more harm trying to please them while destroying yourself and robbing your kids of the attention they need to grow. If there is little money, you simply find out what is available to them for what they can afford. If you cannot afford a case manager to check on them, get adult protective services to assess their needs. That is free.

I had enough crises happen in the family I created that the guilt finally left me. I saw how utterly selfish and entitled my parent was making demands on me while I was balancing so much with my own illness on top of it and I realized the only person who could save me was me. I had to be the loving parent I never had. I had to give myself permission to have professionals check on her and advocate for what she needed and if she ignored them too, so be it. I would no longer argue. I would no longer be a toilet for her emotional vomit. She could afford therapy and even someone with mild dementia can do therapy. If she refused to allow adjustments of her meds and kept going off the mood stabilizing meds then so be it. She knew becoming a tyrant could be in her future. She heard the stories of her own parents from her siblings, but she refused to support them and she refused to face reality and plan. She does not care about my illness. She does not care about the well-being of her grandchildren or son in law. I have to chose them. She had a full life. They have not. She had many privileges we will never have. She cannot see how fortunate she has been and it is not my problem. I just try different venues to get gher the care she needs, but accept she is stubborn and difficult and it's not my job to rescue.

Thanks. I’m there with my mom. Almost there with My childless uncle. I’m preparing to return to the work place. He will lose his mind over that. As it is, he expects me, my sibling and everyone else to be available on demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're just going through a low point. You're not going to spend the next 10 years at this point. Most likely there will be highs and lows- life is like that. You're just adjusting now, so go with it. Hugs.

+ 1. Dementia is terrible. Physical issues are terrible too but having watched family members go through both, for the younger adult I think the personality changes and loss of mental acuity are the worst. Like after a stroke it was bad enough my mom couldn’t walk, but far worse was that she couldn’t understand that, so she was constantly injuring herself trying and not processing/remembering why. 6 months of extreme awfulness. But within that there were highs and lows. And you get used to them and know to enjoy when you can because the next low will be there soon enough.

If you feel like you can’t experience happiness at all - constant lows - then you should seek treatment because that could be depression.

[Anonymous]

I reached my limit after my physical health started to deteriorate and I was so stressed and angry I was taking it out on my husband and kids. I now block my mothers phone Monday through Friday. I need time off. Relatives sometimes text or call that my mother is trying to get a hold of me so I started blocking their numbers Monday through Friday too. It has been such a relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it is hard for everyone but it also sounds like many people have money to deal with the problem. What if your parent is out of state, has no savings, small pension but makes so little as to not owe taxes? I’m responsible for 6 seniors — in two different states plus my husband and kids are facing health / mental issues. I am also having heart and anxiety issues. I have no more to give. My childless uncle opted for independent living instead of assisted living — we had long arguments around it. He’s demanding more attention than my own parents. And today the independent living staff called me — he hasn’t even been there a month. He thinks he’s low maintenance but never has been. My hair is on fire. I feel for OP.

PP, you are responsible for your children only. You are available on a consulting basis to the other six seniors as you can handle given your day to day responsibilities to your own kids. Driving yourself crazy to point of physical illness will not help anyone. Would you want your own kids to neglect their families to deal with you? Your health is the most important thing here. Let go of your sense of responsibility to the seniors. Medicare/Medicaid can take care of them when they can't take care of themselves.

Thanks, I’m PP. There is just so much guilt-tripping everywhere, which I’m sure OP and others have/are experiencing. Some of it is the feeling of inadequacy and some of it frustration especially when situations were foreseeable. I tried to get people moving ahead of the curve because I know that my own health started to go and now there are too many balls in the air. I cannot tell these people about what’s really going on with me and my family without getting gaslighted. It isn’t worth telling them but not saying anything leaves them believing what they want anyway — that I have no worries. (My f’in heart stopped and I woke up in a pool of blood — on the outside it looks like I am in good shape — I am not.)

Not the person you are responding to, but I am the person who talked about radical acceptance. They made their choices. There are consequences for those choices. You have to find that limit where you do what you can truly handle and not a bit more. If they die of an injury at home that could have been prevented you know you tried. You are not all powerful. You do more harm trying to please them while destroying yourself and robbing your kids of the attention they need to grow. If there is little money, you simply find out what is available to them for what they can afford. If you cannot afford a case manager to check on them, get adult protective services to assess their needs. That is free.

I had enough crises happen in the family I created that the guilt finally left me. I saw how utterly selfish and entitled my parent was making demands on me while I was balancing so much with my own illness on top of it and I realized the only person who could save me was me. I had to be the loving parent I never had. I had to give myself permission to have professionals check on her and advocate for what she needed and if she ignored them too, so be it. I would no longer argue. I would no longer be a toilet for her emotional vomit. She could afford therapy and even someone with mild dementia can do therapy. If she refused to allow adjustments of her meds and kept going off the mood stabilizing meds then so be it. She knew becoming a tyrant could be in her future. She heard the stories of her own parents from her siblings, but she refused to support them and she refused to face reality and plan. She does not care about my illness. She does not care about the well-being of her grandchildren or son in law. I have to chose them. She had a full life. They have not. She had many privileges we will never have. She cannot see how fortunate she has been and it is not my problem. I just try different venues to get gher the care she needs, but accept she is stubborn and difficult and it's not my job to rescue.

Thanks. I’m there with my mom. Almost there with My childless uncle. I’m preparing to return to the work place. He will lose his mind over that. As it is, he expects me, my sibling and everyone else to be available on demand.

Block him. Cut them off, OP. Make that choice and move forward. You have the power to do that. Stop making excuses and do it. YOUR life is on the line.

[Anonymous]

I am watching a friend go through this with aging in laws and I am worried that their marriage will not survive the stress. Her husband is very unreasonable, putting his parents over everything else. I wonder how common this is as a source of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Is this like Ethan Frome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am watching a friend go through this with aging in laws and I am worried that their marriage will not survive the stress. Her husband is very unreasonable, putting his parents over everything else. I wonder how common this is as a source of divorce.

I wonder too. Our marriage is struggling and dealing with teenagers (one with an issue requiring mental health interventions) and with out of state elders who would not plan ahead are putting me over the edge. Plus DH and my health issues. It is too much all at once. I was struggling before the senior issues started coming to a head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am watching a friend go through this with aging in laws and I am worried that their marriage will not survive the stress. Her husband is very unreasonable, putting his parents over everything else. I wonder how common this is as a source of divorce.

I wonder too. Our marriage is struggling and dealing with teenagers (one with an issue requiring mental health interventions) and with out of state elders who would not plan ahead are putting me over the edge. Plus DH and my health issues. It is too much all at once. I was struggling before the senior issues started coming to a head.

Try to at least get online couples counseling if you can't get in person. You both need to agree that your relationship and raising teens come before elders. Elders can chose not to move to appropriate settings, but they don't get to ruin your life. Save yourself first, your kids next and them after that. They had full lives. They don't get to eat yours.

[Anonymous]

See agingcare.com. Lots of info there.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. That's why my mom told me to just put her in a home and live my life. She said if she's mentally not there it wouldn't matter anyway. I don't know if I could have actually done that.

She passed away this year from Stage IV cancer. Laid down for a nap and went in her sleep.

Diagnosed a few months after mom, my dad has terminal cancer and is just hanging on.