Visiting family - Prayers before meals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t believe in God, you are bowing your head as a sign of respect for this family that gave you your husband. Unless they are actively praying for your soul “because Jane is an atheist and going to hell”, it shouldn’t be a big deal. You should be giving thanks for the good things in your life, whether you believe they were divinely granted or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

Injecting politics into religion always goes so well. /s/

Seriously the only thing that could make this lengthy prayer more awkward and uncomfortable is choosing an intensely controversial theme. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

Injecting politics into religion always goes so well. /s/

Seriously the only thing that could make this lengthy prayer more awkward and uncomfortable is choosing an intensely controversial theme. Well done.

I said drop the religious aspect of the performance and simply provide a time to reflect on something important to everyone when inside of OP’s home (where she makes the rules). Reflecting on something doesn’t need to involve religion.

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty anti-religion but I don’t have any problem doing this when evangelical family is visiting. It doesn’t hurt me and I don’t feel I’m “endorsing” anything. It’s just basic respect to guests or hosts. No different than I would bow in Japan or kiss three times or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

This is nuts. If you feel compelled to discuss any of these, don’t try to wedge them *in place of* their grace. I wouldn’t even raise politics of any kind until after the meal is over, unless they do, in which case of course you should say what you personally believe.

I say this as someone who is sympathetic to the issues you mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t believe in God, you are bowing your head as a sign of respect for this family that gave you your husband. Unless they are actively praying for your soul “because Jane is an atheist and going to hell”, it shouldn’t be a big deal. You should be giving thanks for the good things in your life, whether you believe they were divinely granted or not.

This. Just go along out of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

This is nuts. If you feel compelled to discuss any of these, don’t try to wedge them *in place of* their grace. I wouldn’t even raise politics of any kind until after the meal is over, unless they do, in which case of course you should say what you personally believe.

I say this as someone who is sympathetic to the issues you mentioned.

When inside OP’s home it’s her rules. Guests need to be gracious enough to accept this. It seems her ILs could give a rat’s a$$ about her by forcing her to do something she doesn’t believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

This is nuts. If you feel compelled to discuss any of these, don’t try to wedge them *in place of* their grace. I wouldn’t even raise politics of any kind until after the meal is over, unless they do, in which case of course you should say what you personally believe.

I say this as someone who is sympathetic to the issues you mentioned.

When inside OP’s home it’s her rules. Guests need to be gracious enough to accept this. It seems her ILs could give a rat’s a$$ about her by forcing her to do something she doesn’t believe.

So your “rules” are to force the absolute toughest conversations about abortion and Palestine before the meal has even started. If so, I pity your friends and family. And I say that as someone who’s always ready to bash the settlers or the Supreme Court.

You’re still nuts or a troll, it could go either way.

[Anonymous]

I think another poster has the right idea- if it’s your house you and DH take the lead on prayer. I’d keep it to 30 seconds or less.

[Anonymous]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1164172.page

How to settle a debate and saying grace 10/26/2023

This thread discusses the same issue. The writing style and words used are similar.

[Anonymous]

Just use it as an opportunity to practice gratitude and reflect on your blessings in life. Thats kind of what saying grace is. You don't need it to be "thanks to God".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s family is pretty religious. The time I feel the most uncomfortable with it is during prayers before meals. No matter where we are - restaurant, one of their homes, standing at a party - people will join hands and one of them will make up a prayer. It is usually pretty involved and lengthy, custom made each time to fit the situation. They often pray for us (the visiting family), whoever else they know that might need support, etc. If at our house or a restaurant, they also circle up and hold hands and pray. Sometimes the prayers are quite fervent in nature. Sometimes they feel quite hypocritical and awkward if, say, someone decides that that is the time to beg God’s forgiveness for something they’ve done wrong.

I understand that this ritual is very important to them.

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and I don’t have particularly good experiences with religion. I don’t particularly want to hold peoples hands, bow my head, and lower my eyes while they pray their prayers. It is awkward and doesn’t feel right to me. And gets more so every with every holiday and other family gathering.

Do I continue to hold hands and lower my head and eyes in deference to what they’re doing - I don’t know why, actually, heads are lowered - and just keep feeling uncomfortable on so many levels?

My question is for both religious and non religious folks, I suppose: do I continue to feel awkward for the rest of my life and hold hands while they pray? Is there a way to kindly and respectfully opt out without causing an issue? I did excuse myself once for the restroom as they were gathering and when I returned, the entire group of 15 or so were waiting on me so they could pray before putting food on their plates.

Obviously not a hill to die on, but I dread it before we head down there. And dread it prior to each meal. I don’t know why it causes me such anxiety, but it does.

Why does your dh’s family saying a prayer of thanksgiving before thanksgiving dinner cause you anxiety and dread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

This is nuts. If you feel compelled to discuss any of these, don’t try to wedge them *in place of* their grace. I wouldn’t even raise politics of any kind until after the meal is over, unless they do, in which case of course you should say what you personally believe.

I say this as someone who is sympathetic to the issues you mentioned.

When inside OP’s home it’s her rules. Guests need to be gracious enough to accept this. It seems her ILs could give a rat’s a$$ about her by forcing her to do something she doesn’t believe.

So your “rules” are to force the absolute toughest conversations about abortion and Palestine before the meal has even started. If so, I pity your friends and family. And I say that as someone who’s always ready to bash the settlers or the Supreme Court.

You’re still nuts or a troll, it could go either way.

Please her in-laws are forcing their beliefs and religion on OP and her family. It’s a two way street. Guests (particularly religious ones) don’t get to dictate the actions of others or force people to act outside of their conscience INSIDE SOMEONE ELSE’s HOME!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when in Rome follow their rules. However, if they are in your home you take charge. Do not let them abuse your hospitality to impose something on you that you do not agree with. You can maintain the performative aspects of their “prayer” but perhaps instead of praying, you announce a theme for brief reflection. It can be anything you choose: the genocide occurring in Palestine, the ongoing assault on reproductive rights, the theft of indigenous people’s lands come immediately to mind for me. It’s your home, your rules.

This is nuts. If you feel compelled to discuss any of these, don’t try to wedge them *in place of* their grace. I wouldn’t even raise politics of any kind until after the meal is over, unless they do, in which case of course you should say what you personally believe.

I say this as someone who is sympathetic to the issues you mentioned.

When inside OP’s home it’s her rules. Guests need to be gracious enough to accept this. It seems her ILs could give a rat’s a$$ about her by forcing her to do something she doesn’t believe.

So your “rules” are to force the absolute toughest conversations about abortion and Palestine before the meal has even started. If so, I pity your friends and family. And I say that as someone who’s always ready to bash the settlers or the Supreme Court.

You’re still nuts or a troll, it could go either way.

Please her in-laws are forcing their beliefs and religion on OP and her family. It’s a two way street. Guests (particularly religious ones) don’t get to dictate the actions of others or force people to act outside of their conscience INSIDE SOMEONE ELSE’s HOME!

Please, we all understand the OP's problem. But solving this by announcing that abortion will be the dinner topic is batshit. Unless she wants to alienate her ILs permanently. And nobody is forcing their beliefs on OP, because they surely already know she's thinking of anything but God during the prayer.

Most of us spend the holidays ignoring a range of stuff from Uncle Billy bragging about his job to mom's criticism. For well-balanced people, ignoring stuff and showing a little tolerance shouldn't cause extreme anxiety.

PP's are right, show some tolerance, bow your head, and silently plan your next (relative-free) vacation.

You're a troll, it's settled.