Visiting family - Prayers before meals

[Anonymous]

DH’s family is pretty religious. The time I feel the most uncomfortable with it is during prayers before meals. No matter where we are - restaurant, one of their homes, standing at a party - people will join hands and one of them will make up a prayer. It is usually pretty involved and lengthy, custom made each time to fit the situation. They often pray for us (the visiting family), whoever else they know that might need support, etc. If at our house or a restaurant, they also circle up and hold hands and pray. Sometimes the prayers are quite fervent in nature. Sometimes they feel quite hypocritical and awkward if, say, someone decides that that is the time to beg God’s forgiveness for something they’ve done wrong.

I understand that this ritual is very important to them.

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and I don’t have particularly good experiences with religion. I don’t particularly want to hold peoples hands, bow my head, and lower my eyes while they pray their prayers. It is awkward and doesn’t feel right to me. And gets more so every with every holiday and other family gathering.

Do I continue to hold hands and lower my head and eyes in deference to what they’re doing - I don’t know why, actually, heads are lowered - and just keep feeling uncomfortable on so many levels?

My question is for both religious and non religious folks, I suppose: do I continue to feel awkward for the rest of my life and hold hands while they pray? Is there a way to kindly and respectfully opt out without causing an issue? I did excuse myself once for the restroom as they were gathering and when I returned, the entire group of 15 or so were waiting on me so they could pray before putting food on their plates.

Obviously not a hill to die on, but I dread it before we head down there. And dread it prior to each meal. I don’t know why it causes me such anxiety, but it does.

[Anonymous]

Pick your battles. They’re your in laws. You don’t live with them and probably don’t see them every week. Just think about something else while your head is bowed in “prayer.”

[Anonymous]

Is your husband religious (I assume Christian)? How did you two find each other?

[Anonymous]

Holding hands is a big NO for me. To germ-y.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand you feelings but for me it would be too big of a statement to opt out. I am imaging 15 guest for Thanksgiving in a prayer circle and you alone on the couch. .

Just have your own moment ...think about a happy time or a loved one you miss.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of the holding hands as being in communion with them. Just meditate while they do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holding hands is a big NO for me. To germ-y.

You have bigger issues than prayer.

[Anonymous]

OP you bow your head as a sign of respect for God while praying. Not saying you should or shouldn’t do it, but that’s the reason.
We are Christian, attend Church etc and this would probably make me uncomfortable too.

[Anonymous]

Bow your head in prayer is standard.

I don’t like to hold hands but I do it anyway I try to position myself near my niece or someone I care about.

It’s basic respect.

I have a SIL who doesn’t touch people, no hugs etc so if you are next to her she bows her head but we don’t hold her hand.

[Anonymous]

I’m an atheist with family like this and I don’t understand the big deal. It doesn’t make me feel awkward, it’s just a silly (to me) little ritual that people like to do. Try not to think of it as a big deal- it’s not, if you don’t believe. Take on an anthropologist point of view and just observe.

Or announce that you are bowing out and accept that they will be sad, mad, and may include praying for your soul at the next get-together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband religious (I assume Christian)? How did you two find each other?

OP here.
No, he is not religious. His family “went to church” when he was a kid, like mine did, and he went to parochial high school. But that’s the extent of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand you feelings but for me it would be too big of a statement to opt out. I am imaging 15 guest for Thanksgiving in a prayer circle and you alone on the couch. .

Just have your own moment ...think about a happy time or a loved one you miss.

Op here. Yeah, that would likely be even more awkward! I suppose while they pray, I’m the only one feeling awkward. In the other scenario I’d probably make everyone feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Can you, as the host, take the lead and say grace? Or invite your husband or kid to say it “in thanksgiving for our visiting loved ones”? A quick expression of thanks and/or blessing might co-opt a longer sermon.

[Anonymous]

DH and I come from fairly religious backgrounds. But we will see Grace before a meal, even away from our house, it’s a pretty quiet demonstration. To each their own but I don’t like anything that looks performative.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t believe in God, you are bowing your head as a sign of respect for this family that gave you your husband. Unless they are actively praying for your soul “because Jane is an atheist and going to hell”, it should be a big deal. You should be giving thanks for the good things in your life, whether you believe they were divinely granted or not.