Cousins Sharing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to teach your child to be generous and to set boundaries.

Talk with her about the need to be kind to her cousin and share. Help her identify the toys she isn’t willing to share and put them away before the visit. Maybe make her bedroom off limits.

Teach her a script for both the cousin and for you if the cousin takes something she doesn’t want to share. For example “cousin, that toy is special to me and I don’t want to share it right now.” And if that doesn’t work, she should have a script for coming to you “I don’t want yo share the Barbie, can you help me put it away?”

Fwiw I expect my kid to share her toys with visitors especially if she’s had a chance to remove anything too precious. But I would try to have an escape hatch as well, assuming it doesn’t get abused (every toy definitely can’t be unshared).

This has nothing to do with your in laws.

Fwiw we travel to our in laws for holidays so it’s never at our house. My MIL created an easter egg hunt last spring and everything my daughter found my cousin said she wanted and my MIL told my daughter to guve her cousin. So yeah… it kind of does.

The problem is really your in-law's family dynamics that make your kid the black sheep and the cousin the perfect one. I would distance myself from them as much as possible.

Absolutely this. Horrible that the grandparents are showing such clear favoritism. Of course your 4yo is going to pick up on it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. This is one of those things that doesn’t seem like the biggest problem in the world, but will make your holiday stressful. Our nursery school had those huge sand timers and when there was an argument, the kid with the toy would turn a 5 or 10 minute sand timer over and then the other kid had to wait. Of course it wasn’t perfect because other kid could try to turn it before the half way mark, etc, so the staff would put it on a shelf out of reach.

It’s hard because you are not going to change the cousin’s behavior or the in-laws’ behavior over a holiday visit, and you have to accept that. I would try not to have any high value toys available during the stay. Since your daughter is 4, does she still nap? Does the cousin? Either way, “nap time” could be good for an hour of quiet time away from her cousin in a bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My four year old only sees her cousin (also 4) during the holidays and other family events but their interactions are unpleasant. The cousin will take her things and my younger child's things without asking, not share, etc. My daughter is praised by grandparents for sharing with her cousin and my SIL/BIL do not intervene and SIL laughs off her daughter’s behavior saying “she’s a diva” while praising my children for being well mannered. My older daughter just said at Thanksgiving she doesn’t want to play with her cousin. My MIL has hinted at a ASD diagnosis and said my niece doesn’t play with other children outside of preschool. What do I say to my daughter? How do I stand up for my children if their cousin starts taking their belongings? I would expect my SIL/BIL to say something but they just laugh I guess because they think it’s cute?

You seem upset. Is your daughter upset? Or do you just think it's unfair that the bad girl doesn't get punished, and it's not enough that everyone over 4 years respects your daughter's (generation-skipping?) well-mannered graciousness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My four year old only sees her cousin (also 4) during the holidays and other family events but their interactions are unpleasant. The cousin will take her things and my younger child's things without asking, not share, etc. My daughter is praised by grandparents for sharing with her cousin and my SIL/BIL do not intervene and SIL laughs off her daughter’s behavior saying “she’s a diva” while praising my children for being well mannered. My older daughter just said at Thanksgiving she doesn’t want to play with her cousin. My MIL has hinted at a ASD diagnosis and said my niece doesn’t play with other children outside of preschool. What do I say to my daughter? How do I stand up for my children if their cousin starts taking their belongings? I would expect my SIL/BIL to say something but they just laugh I guess because they think it’s cute?

You seem upset. Is your daughter upset? Or do you just think it's unfair that the bad girl doesn't get punished, and it's not enough that everyone over 4 years respects your daughter's (generation-skipping?) well-mannered graciousness?

My daughter said she doesn’t want to play with her cousin at Thanksgiving and we left Easter before dinner because my daughter was crying and begging us to leave. I’m stressed about navigating another holiday like this, sad for my four year old because she sees her friends’ with their cousins and their relationships are sweet, and also dreading navigating this with my other child who is now very aware of sharing and yours vs mine in a way that she wasn’t last year. It’s also not about punishing (where did I say punish btw - weird that’s how you’d approach it) it’s about teaching pro-social behavior and correcting anti-social behavior instead of reinforcing anti-social behavior. How do you not get that as a parent? And intervening with my BIL/SIL/MIL feels like picking a fight with my in laws based on how I was raised. I’m going to intervene if the same type of thing happens again. That said, I’m praying my niece will have matured and this won’t be an issue or that my in laws will have realized in the interim their daughter’s behavior is not serving her socially. We drive six hours for holidays so it’s not like we can jump in the car turn and go home. So yes, I’m just dreading it.

[Anonymous]

Does your spouse have any opinions? Was this dynamic the norm for them and their sibling? I would have my spouse help resolve this or just not go. There is no way I would travel hours just to have another bratty kid/family make my child feel like second best. Sounds like some weird Cinderella crap, where the one person does as they please, and the other stands by taking it.

[Anonymous]

Life is too short for stressful holidays. Just say no thanks! Made my marriage better because I came to realize my husband will not police his relatives and I simply do not want to.

[Anonymous]

Spouse should address this with his parents and sibling BEFORE you make the trip. If husband, SIL, and grandparents aren't willing to be part of the solution, don't go

[Anonymous]

DH needs to address this before you go. And if he won't, put him on notice that you won't allow your daughter to be bullied, and it might also mean that you'll have to turn around and leave before Thanksgiving dinner.

I think the hard part is that many MILs favor daughter's kids over son's kids. MIL might also see daughter's kids more often. Guessing, yes, but clearly MIL is trying to accommodate daughter's child.

I see this in my own family. Parents favor my kids because we see them a whole lot more than my parents see my brother's kids. That is no excuse. No way would I let my child bully another, and everything you describe is unacceptable. But I'm guessing SIL is a diva in her own regard, so expecting her child to be treated better than the DIL's child would make sense in the mind of an unenlightened adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse should address this with his parents and sibling BEFORE you make the trip. If husband, SIL, and grandparents aren't willing to be part of the solution, don't go

In my experience the DH assures the wife the issue is taken care of, then you show up, usually when it is inconvenient to leave, and the behavior is the same if not worse. When you discuss the situation with DH later it was a "miscommunication". People who host think it is ok to bully guests. They cooked all day and spent the money on the food, or they planned and paid for the venue, so they think they get to make the rules. I've posted similar issues about my own in-laws and responses from this forum are what clued me into the "whoever hosts picks the rules" unwritten rule.

[Anonymous]

Get a hotel, come for 2 hours for the dinner only, if/when cousin starts being a brat, leave abruptly! The in laws will get the message or they won't. Arrange another fun activity for your child so the whole trip won't be spoiled if the dinner is a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a hotel, come for 2 hours for the dinner only, if/when cousin starts being a brat, leave abruptly! The in laws will get the message or they won't. Arrange another fun activity for your child so the whole trip won't be spoiled if the dinner is a disaster.

Best idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse should address this with his parents and sibling BEFORE you make the trip. If husband, SIL, and grandparents aren't willing to be part of the solution, don't go

In my experience the DH assures the wife the issue is taken care of, then you show up, usually when it is inconvenient to leave, and the behavior is the same if not worse. When you discuss the situation with DH later it was a "miscommunication". People who host think it is ok to bully guests. They cooked all day and spent the money on the food, or they planned and paid for the venue, so they think they get to make the rules. I've posted similar issues about my own in-laws and responses from this forum are what clued me into the "whoever hosts picks the rules" unwritten rule.

DP. Unfortunately, I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

OP, why is your DH “not always present”? He should be always present in trips to visit his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is your DH “not always present”? He should be always present in trips to visit his family

I meant that he’s not always in the room or yard or whatever when something is happening. He’s close with his brother and they’ll run errands together or step outside to chat often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is your DH “not always present”? He should be always present in trips to visit his family

I meant that he’s not always in the room or yard or whatever when something is happening. He’s close with his brother and they’ll run errands together or step outside to chat often.

Inform him you're getting a hotel. If "herp derp we can't afford that!" then "herp derp we can't afford gas!". No problem honey, I'll make an intimate budget Thanksgiving for the family.