Cousins Sharing

[Anonymous]

My four year old only sees her cousin (also 4) during the holidays and other family events but their interactions are unpleasant. The cousin will take her things and my younger child's things without asking, not share, etc. My daughter is praised by grandparents for sharing with her cousin and my SIL/BIL do not intervene and SIL laughs off her daughter’s behavior saying “she’s a diva” while praising my children for being well mannered. My older daughter just said at Thanksgiving she doesn’t want to play with her cousin. My MIL has hinted at a ASD diagnosis and said my niece doesn’t play with other children outside of preschool. What do I say to my daughter? How do I stand up for my children if their cousin starts taking their belongings? I would expect my SIL/BIL to say something but they just laugh I guess because they think it’s cute?

[Anonymous]

Take whatever it is back and hand it to your kid. If cousin has a tantrum, not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take whatever it is back and hand it to your kid. If cousin has a tantrum, not your problem.

This is what I'd do too. "Oh Lydia, Hannah was playing with this. Here you go Hannah."

[Anonymous]

You need to teach your child to be generous and to set boundaries.

Talk with her about the need to be kind to her cousin and share. Help her identify the toys she isn’t willing to share and put them away before the visit. Maybe make her bedroom off limits.

Teach her a script for both the cousin and for you if the cousin takes something she doesn’t want to share. For example “cousin, that toy is special to me and I don’t want to share it right now.” And if that doesn’t work, she should have a script for coming to you “I don’t want yo share the Barbie, can you help me put it away?”

Fwiw I expect my kid to share her toys with visitors especially if she’s had a chance to remove anything too precious. But I would try to have an escape hatch as well, assuming it doesn’t get abused (every toy definitely can’t be unshared).

This has nothing to do with your in laws.

[Anonymous]

Put away or dont bring anything you don't want to share.

[Anonymous]

If it's possible, put away all but a few toys your children are willing to share. Put the ones they really do not want to share in a locked closet or cupboard with childproof locks. Leave them there when this child is visiting. Or put them out of sight very high up and don't leave any chairs or step stools in the playroom.

Do make sure there are enough toys left out to play with for a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

Take it back and say this is larlas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to teach your child to be generous and to set boundaries.

Talk with her about the need to be kind to her cousin and share. Help her identify the toys she isn’t willing to share and put them away before the visit. Maybe make her bedroom off limits.

Teach her a script for both the cousin and for you if the cousin takes something she doesn’t want to share. For example “cousin, that toy is special to me and I don’t want to share it right now.” And if that doesn’t work, she should have a script for coming to you “I don’t want yo share the Barbie, can you help me put it away?”

Fwiw I expect my kid to share her toys with visitors especially if she’s had a chance to remove anything too precious. But I would try to have an escape hatch as well, assuming it doesn’t get abused (every toy definitely can’t be unshared).

This has nothing to do with your in laws.

Fwiw we travel to our in laws for holidays so it’s never at our house. My MIL created an easter egg hunt last spring and everything my daughter found my cousin said she wanted and my MIL told my daughter to guve her cousin. So yeah… it kind of does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to teach your child to be generous and to set boundaries.

Talk with her about the need to be kind to her cousin and share. Help her identify the toys she isn’t willing to share and put them away before the visit. Maybe make her bedroom off limits.

Teach her a script for both the cousin and for you if the cousin takes something she doesn’t want to share. For example “cousin, that toy is special to me and I don’t want to share it right now.” And if that doesn’t work, she should have a script for coming to you “I don’t want yo share the Barbie, can you help me put it away?”

Fwiw I expect my kid to share her toys with visitors especially if she’s had a chance to remove anything too precious. But I would try to have an escape hatch as well, assuming it doesn’t get abused (every toy definitely can’t be unshared).

This has nothing to do with your in laws.

Fwiw we travel to our in laws for holidays so it’s never at our house. My MIL created an easter egg hunt last spring and everything my daughter found my cousin said she wanted and my MIL told my daughter to guve her cousin. So yeah… it kind of does.

Sorry for the typos - on my phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put away or dont bring anything you don't want to share.

+1

Don't take a toy back and give it to your kid. At 4 she needs to start learning how to speak up and self advocate. Give her a script like I'm still playing with that you, and you can play with it when I'm done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put away or dont bring anything you don't want to share.

+1

Don't take a toy back and give it to your kid. At 4 she needs to start learning how to speak up and self advocate. Give her a script like I'm still playing with that you, and you can play with it when I'm done

This. You can both intervene AND give your child a script. For a 4yr old, practice “I’m not done” and “still my turn”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put away or dont bring anything you don't want to share.

+1

Don't take a toy back and give it to your kid. At 4 she needs to start learning how to speak up and self advocate. Give her a script like I'm still playing with that you, and you can play with it when I'm done

This. You can both intervene AND give your child a script. For a 4yr old, practice “I’m not done” and “still my turn”.

Have some appealing sharable toys out. "I'm still playing with this! There are other toys over here."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take whatever it is back and hand it to your kid. If cousin has a tantrum, not your problem.

This is what I'd do too. "Oh Lydia, Hannah was playing with this. Here you go Hannah."

+1. Stand up for your kid. Don;t let the entitled cousin be indulged further-it'll just make their behavior worse. Even if they have ASD they need to learn to function appropriately in social settings and society in general.

Wth to all the suggestions to put defending herself on the 4yo? It's obvious the gparents and cousin's mother are enabling the cousin and supportive of cousin's behavior, which means they are siding with the cousin which the daughter is aware of. You don't ask a 4yo to defend themself against another 4yo and at least three adults. Don't create a doormat and bully dynamic. Those roles tend to stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take whatever it is back and hand it to your kid. If cousin has a tantrum, not your problem.

This is what I'd do too. "Oh Lydia, Hannah was playing with this. Here you go Hannah."

+1. Stand up for your kid. Don;t let the entitled cousin be indulged further-it'll just make their behavior worse. Even if they have ASD they need to learn to function appropriately in social settings and society in general.

Wth to all the suggestions to put defending herself on the 4yo? It's obvious the gparents and cousin's mother are enabling the cousin and supportive of cousin's behavior, which means they are siding with the cousin which the daughter is aware of. You don't ask a 4yo to defend themself against another 4yo and at least three adults. Don't create a doormat and bully dynamic. Those roles tend to stick.

Yeah. This is what she is seeing and what I am seeing. And parents are enabling. For example my daughter was building with magnatiles and her cousin comes over and starts taking all the magnatiles. Then cousin starts crying because my daughter is using the only magnatile car and starts saying she needs the car and SIL/BIL turn to my kid and say “she needs the car”. Not like “wait your turn” or “she only has three magnatiles because you took all of them so maybe just let her have the car.” Or her cousin tells her she hates dressing up like a princess (something my daughter loves) and then asks my daughter to share all her princess dresses at Christmas and asks SIL to paint her nails with my daughter’s nail polish (an unopened Christmas present) and SIL does it and isn’t like “play with your own toys”. My niece has a meltdown when she doesn’t get what she wants but my daughter was so upset by the easter egg hunt from hell (where she handed over everything she found to her cousin) that she cried and wanted to leave before easter dinner and my MIL got mad at her for wanting to leave and blathered on about learning lessons (we left) while my SIL asked if her child had something to do with it. I was taught to go with the flow and be polite in someone else’s home but I’ve realized that I can’t stick to that script. I don’t want to be treated like a door mat and I don’t want that to happen to my kids. I’ve asked my husband to intervene because it’s his family (he witnessed the Easter Egg hunt thing and didn’t say anything) but he’s not always present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to teach your child to be generous and to set boundaries.

Talk with her about the need to be kind to her cousin and share. Help her identify the toys she isn’t willing to share and put them away before the visit. Maybe make her bedroom off limits.

Teach her a script for both the cousin and for you if the cousin takes something she doesn’t want to share. For example “cousin, that toy is special to me and I don’t want to share it right now.” And if that doesn’t work, she should have a script for coming to you “I don’t want yo share the Barbie, can you help me put it away?”

Fwiw I expect my kid to share her toys with visitors especially if she’s had a chance to remove anything too precious. But I would try to have an escape hatch as well, assuming it doesn’t get abused (every toy definitely can’t be unshared).

This has nothing to do with your in laws.

Fwiw we travel to our in laws for holidays so it’s never at our house. My MIL created an easter egg hunt last spring and everything my daughter found my cousin said she wanted and my MIL told my daughter to guve her cousin. So yeah… it kind of does.

The problem is really your in-law's family dynamics that make your kid the black sheep and the cousin the perfect one. I would distance myself from them as much as possible.