Cousins Sharing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is your DH “not always present”? He should be always present in trips to visit his family

I meant that he’s not always in the room or yard or whatever when something is happening. He’s close with his brother and they’ll run errands together or step outside to chat often.

You are spending way too much time there if DH has that much time to disappear. Inform the cousins you're going to the park or something, they're welcome to join you (I predict they won't), you'll come around an hour before dinner. You don't need to spend hour after hour in somebody else's house. If DH wants to spend time with his family, he can come around on a three day weekend or something. If he is disappearing it is not big group family time, it is dude bro time with the boys with wifey doing childcare in an uncomfortable house. (My husband used to do this to me.) Tell him you do NOT!!!! want to be alone with his in-laws. DH can do dude bro time on his own. You can do childcare in your own house without +1 naughty kid to deal with. If he wants to hang out this trip, he can do it at a bar when your kids are tucked into the hotel bed.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had a difficult sibling- I get it. It’s hard. My sibling could make life hell for everyone, so we had to walk on eggshells and give them whatever they wanted. I’m still upset about how my parents did this. I’ve struggled with being a doormat and appeasing everyone as an adult. It’s a common dynamic when one child has special needs and the parents give all their time, money, and attention to that child.

I would have extra fun toys in your purse or candy to give to your child when their mean sibling takes something. I do think your Dh should say something to his mom and sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m stressed about navigating another holiday like this, sad for my four year old because she sees her friends’ with their cousins and their relationships are sweet

My DS 6 was kicked in the stomach by his 10 year old cousin who is close to testing for his black belt. DS was talking about it a month later. So you can imagine I do NOT bend over backwards trying to spend time with them. I was only in town because my dad had a health scare. Don't martyr yourself or your kids. If a relative wasn't supportive of us as we went through 4 surgeries (one was a 5 day stay with gallstone pancreatitis) and 3 births, they have zero entitlement to major holidays or birthdays. Find your tribe elsewhere. It is much better to be a 25% b-tch up front than for someone to push your buttons forcing you to pull out the 100% b-tch card and cause a scene (speaking from personal experience here). Drive by relatives get president's day, labor day, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is your DH “not always present”? He should be always present in trips to visit his family

I meant that he’s not always in the room or yard or whatever when something is happening. He’s close with his brother and they’ll run errands together or step outside to chat often.

You are spending way too much time there if DH has that much time to disappear. Inform the cousins you're going to the park or something, they're welcome to join you (I predict they won't), you'll come around an hour before dinner. You don't need to spend hour after hour in somebody else's house. If DH wants to spend time with his family, he can come around on a three day weekend or something. If he is disappearing it is not big group family time, it is dude bro time with the boys with wifey doing childcare in an uncomfortable house. (My husband used to do this to me.) Tell him you do NOT!!!! want to be alone with his in-laws. DH can do dude bro time on his own. You can do childcare in your own house without +1 naughty kid to deal with. If he wants to hang out this trip, he can do it at a bar when your kids are tucked into the hotel bed.

You captured it perfectly. Holidays are a lot of doing childcare in an uncomfortable house. We stay with my MIL who hosts at holidays and also is very determined to get the cousins together to play because in her telling my niece doesn’t play with other children so this is her opportunity to socialize. We have told my MIL our older daughter doesn’t like playing with her cousin because she’s bossy and doesn’t share but we obviously can’t tell her what to do in her home. We try to go out a lot when we visit but my MIL will pull my husband aside and tell him she feels like she’s not spending any time with us and that’s making her sad. And sometimes my husband’s siblings will get involved and tell him there mom is sad because we are not spending enough time with her.

The dynamic with SIL is everyone walks on eggshells because she is insecure and no one wants her to get upset. SIL is the type of person who will not acknowledge me all day and then text my husband the following day to ask if I’m mad at her because I waved to her and said goodbye instead of giving her a hug goodbye when she left. She’s doesn’t seem to be aware of how she comes off but she’s very aware of everyone else. My husband is upset by how my niece treats my daughter but he attributes it all to his sister’s insecurity. I’ve asked him to be present more at holidays so I’m not trying to navigate uncomfortable family dynamics by myself and he says he will be but then he’ll ask me in front of everyone if he can go run an errand with his brother and I feel like I have to say yes.

A hotel would solve for some of this but spending money on a pet sitter and hotel in addition to driving twelve hours with young kids just to potentially walk out abruptly during a holiday meal may be a bridge too far. Also my MIL would probably be hurt if we stayed at a hotel. This may just be the last year we do holidays like this. It’s sad because my children don’t see their grandparents or family often (it’s always us traveling to family) and I want them to experience holidays with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. My family is spread out and doesn’t gather for holidays so it’s either some form of this situation or we do the holidays on our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take whatever it is back and hand it to your kid. If cousin has a tantrum, not your problem.

+1. You’re not going to fix the cousins behavior, but you can stand up for your own kid. Take back the toy and say my daughters that done with it. You’re modeling that behavior for your own daughter, so she will feel empowered to say that later on when it inevitably happens again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take whatever it is back and hand it to your kid. If cousin has a tantrum, not your problem.

+1. You’re not going to fix the cousins behavior, but you can stand up for your own kid. Take back the toy and say my daughters that done with it. You’re modeling that behavior for your own daughter, so she will feel empowered to say that later on when it inevitably happens again.

+2. Some of this intensity is due to how young the kids are—God willing, this won’t be the dynamic when they’re 8. But driving 12 hours with young kids is painful. Cut the family trips in half and have your DH fly up by himself 3 or 4 times a year for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Could you just limit time together and put on a movie for the kids so there’s no potential for fighting over toys? If the cousin has SNs and you don’t see her often enough to make it worthwhile to get involved in figuring out solutions (they’ll be older kids with different issues by the next time they see each other) then just try to manage the best you can. I’m not sure you’re going to fix deeper dysfunction over a holiday get together.

[Anonymous]

OP, you definitely have a DH problem here. He needs to be handling this. And for him to ask in front of everyone if he can go run an errand is extremely manipulative AND makes you look controlling. I wouldn't be surprised if his family thinks you are the problem and are taking to him about that. So he just stays out of it because he can't stand up to his family or his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is your DH “not always present”? He should be always present in trips to visit his family

I meant that he’s not always in the room or yard or whatever when something is happening. He’s close with his brother and they’ll run errands together or step outside to chat often.

You are spending way too much time there if DH has that much time to disappear. Inform the cousins you're going to the park or something, they're welcome to join you (I predict they won't), you'll come around an hour before dinner. You don't need to spend hour after hour in somebody else's house. If DH wants to spend time with his family, he can come around on a three day weekend or something. If he is disappearing it is not big group family time, it is dude bro time with the boys with wifey doing childcare in an uncomfortable house. (My husband used to do this to me.) Tell him you do NOT!!!! want to be alone with his in-laws. DH can do dude bro time on his own. You can do childcare in your own house without +1 naughty kid to deal with. If he wants to hang out this trip, he can do it at a bar when your kids are tucked into the hotel bed.

You captured it perfectly. Holidays are a lot of doing childcare in an uncomfortable house. We stay with my MIL who hosts at holidays and also is very determined to get the cousins together to play because in her telling my niece doesn’t play with other children so this is her opportunity to socialize. We have told my MIL our older daughter doesn’t like playing with her cousin because she’s bossy and doesn’t share but we obviously can’t tell her what to do in her home. We try to go out a lot when we visit but my MIL will pull my husband aside and tell him she feels like she’s not spending any time with us and that’s making her sad. And sometimes my husband’s siblings will get involved and tell him there mom is sad because we are not spending enough time with her.

The dynamic with SIL is everyone walks on eggshells because she is insecure and no one wants her to get upset. SIL is the type of person who will not acknowledge me all day and then text my husband the following day to ask if I’m mad at her because I waved to her and said goodbye instead of giving her a hug goodbye when she left. She’s doesn’t seem to be aware of how she comes off but she’s very aware of everyone else. My husband is upset by how my niece treats my daughter but he attributes it all to his sister’s insecurity. I’ve asked him to be present more at holidays so I’m not trying to navigate uncomfortable family dynamics by myself and he says he will be but then he’ll ask me in front of everyone if he can go run an errand with his brother and I feel like I have to say yes.

A hotel would solve for some of this but spending money on a pet sitter and hotel in addition to driving twelve hours with young kids just to potentially walk out abruptly during a holiday meal may be a bridge too far. Also my MIL would probably be hurt if we stayed at a hotel. This may just be the last year we do holidays like this. It’s sad because my children don’t see their grandparents or family often (it’s always us traveling to family) and I want them to experience holidays with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. My family is spread out and doesn’t gather for holidays so it’s either some form of this situation or we do the holidays on our own.

1. There will be less psycho mind games at a third party venue. Invite MIL. "We heard the zoo in this city is really good, we're going tomorrow. Would you like to come?" If she doesn't come she doesn't get to pout about not spending enough time. I think you will find even naughty cousin will be better behaved due to being in public, not on her "turf".
2. Deploy white lies. When your DH tries the "Can I go to XYZ errand?" "No actually I'd prefer you didn't because I feel a headache coming on." Make sure you tell him in private after that was a face saving white lie for his benefit, you told him you don't want to be left alone and you mean it. You have to be VERY forceful with the average man
3. Regarding the hotel, I think you will find them knowing you have the option of leaving will improve their behavior. Their behavior is partially coming from a power imbalance
4. You don't have the picture perfect amazing extended family. You just don't. You can't make it happen with awkward family holidays. I know this feel because I have mourned my crappy in-laws and family too. The situation is what it is. At least you know where you stand with them and you can cut your losses. Take the appearance of your peer's families with a grain of salt. Sometimes they are in turmoil too, they just cover it up well. Stay in your own lane and only worry about what you have control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you definitely have a DH problem here. He needs to be handling this. And for him to ask in front of everyone if he can go run an errand is extremely manipulative AND makes you look controlling. I wouldn't be surprised if his family thinks you are the problem and are taking to him about that. So he just stays out of it because he can't stand up to his family or his wife.

Yeah this is definitely happening. My 7 year old niece let it slip that my SIL s--t talks me. I'm psycho and have anxiety and am controlling according to all the in-laws I'm sure. Not my problem anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:for him to ask in front of everyone if he can go run an errand is extremely manipulative AND makes you look controlling

This is what's happening in his brain: "I asked her and she said yes, now she's pouting about it after the fact. Women can't make up their own mind!"

You can pregame this. "Remember when you asked to go to Home Depot and cousin did XYZ unpleasant thing while you are gone? This is why I absolutely do not want you to leave. I do not want to be left alone with your relatives. I want you to manage the unpleasant cousin issue. Do not ask to leave again, otherwise I will tell everyone I do not want to be left alone with your relatives."