Navigating relationship with very bigoted in-laws and our first kid

[Anonymous]

I'd be concerned about a different thing, OP.

That you show your kids that it is ok to hang out with people like that, and that they can say these things and not be called out. That you are tolerant to such behavior.

[Anonymous]

×1000 This exactly. Teach them how to respond to an a-hole. They'll encounter many throughout their life. Show them what is appropriate, and call out what and who isn't.

My deep south racist parents were a challenge and I knew I had to stand firm. 17 years ago my father used the n word in front of me and my toddler. I immediately and firmly said that if he ever used that word in front of me or my children again, it would be the last time he ever saw us. I meant it, and he knew I meant it. End of discussion and he never used it again.

I empathize OP.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You just described most of my aunts and uncles, and to some extent, my own parents. My cousins and I shut them down when we can, but it's uphill work.

I wasn't the least bit worried about my kids, who are now teens. There was no way any of these people would be around my kids long enough for their views to have any impact at all.

For example, when my Godfather and uncle goes on at length at the dinner table over his participation in an anti-LGBTQ+ rally, my kids look at him like he has three heads, then we have a good laugh afterward. He won't change. But he can't change my kids either.

[Anonymous]

When I was about 7 years old, my white racist grandma said “I think black people should all just go back to Africa.” I looked her square in the eye and said “That is so ignorant, grandma!” And she stfu. My mom was so proud of me (and I kind of surprised myself.) Have faith in your child, raise them to be compassionate, kind members of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say when these bigoted statements are made?
How old is your child?

My spouse is very upset by it. She has a very complicated relationship with them and tends to emotionally shut down around them.

Thankfully they live far away and we see them seldomly. I still am afraid as our child gets older if we are around them he’ll think their behavior and mindset is ok. I also, frankly, hate being around them. It’s exhausting.

The likelihood of an uninvolved, physically distant grandparent warping a child’s behavior is minimal. I understand it’s exhausting, but if anything, your child is getting a peak into the people he/she doesn’t want to be like.

I agree with this. You are going to tell your kid “grandma is wrong. Your mom and I don’t believe this at all.” And life will go on. And you barely see these people. Your kid will quickly know they are wackadoodle.

[Anonymous]

I was forced as a kid to see in-law family who were abusive/ had some bigoted views. Once those grandparents died as an adult I don't keep up with the rest of that side. I always wonder why I had to see them (that parent died so I think my other needed support/ wanted us to know our family).

Boundaries are important. Call them out in front of your kids. I also think it is important to pick your own family, blood family isn't all that.

[Anonymous]

Protect your child.

[Anonymous]

There is no law that says your kids need to be around idiots.

Stop the relationship there is nothing to be gained by having them in your kids life.

Be a parent for gods sake same with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protect your child.

+1. Why would you want to be around them? My parents have differing views than my spouse and I on many issues. They are not blatant racists, but they are from the south and likely voted Trump both times (ironically, they voted Obama the first time and Clinton the first time). As they aged, they became more conservative. When around them and they start in on anything like this, I shut them down immediately. When the kids were younger, I especially made it a point to call them out each and every time I heard them say anything like that. I don't argue with them, I just shut it down and tell them if they want to be around my family, they cannot talk like that or discuss that. After the first few times I rarely have to do anything.
Now the kids are college/post college and all 3 kids are well aware that G&G are a bit crazy in that respect. But when my kids were little, it was my job to shut them down and call them out, so my kids see we don't tolerate bigots/racists

[Anonymous]

OP, how I would respond here would vary depending on the race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, and gender identity of my spouse and children. If everyone is white, I would continue to see them yet also discuss - age appropriate - with my kids before and after about our beliefs. If the n word, c word, or any other derogatory word is used by your ILs, then ideally your spouse says, "X, please do not use that word/phrase in front of our children." Say it calmly and don't make ultimatums - at least in the early phase. Give them a chance to step up. Sometimes parents do that when grandkids are involved.

If everyone is not white, straight, etc, then I would or - ideally the related spouse - would explain how our kids are only able to be in homes where their identities and beliefs are affirmed and valued. Give the ILs a chance to absorb this and attempt to rise to the occasion. Again, sometimes parents do for their grands.

SiL would not allow her DCs, especially DD, to be alone with ILs because MiL had/has outdated ideas about women and beauty. I told DH when he asked me what I thought, "Your parents do not live down the street. Our children will see and live our values at home. A weekend away, a short vacation with your parents, etc do not worry me. Might be different if we saw them on a weekly basis. We don't and I am not going to intercede here unless there becomes a reason to do so."

I don't think that example is necessarily apples to apples, but I do think that kids are more likely to question the grandparent behavior than mimic it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say when these bigoted statements are made?
How old is your child?

My spouse is very upset by it. She has a very complicated relationship with them and tends to emotionally shut down around them.

Thankfully they live far away and we see them seldomly. I still am afraid as our child gets older if we are around them he’ll think their behavior and mindset is ok. I also, frankly, hate being around them. It’s exhausting.

Move so kids have limited to their hateful beliefs and you can avoid the stress. They won't be able to do much damage during occasional visits.

[Anonymous]

*limited exposure

[Anonymous]

OP I spent a LOT of time with my paternal grandparents who are very conservative Catholic Republicans. Entire summers, almost all holidays. We lived 6-18 hours away and still spent lots of time with them. They were not outwardly hostile but there were plenty of microaggressions looking back. FOX News and Rush Limbaugh were always on and they voted for Trump. Bush and those were one thing but I thought my grandparents had a better meter for BS than Trump, but it became clear that party was more important than the candidate.
We have a very complicated relationship because I love them and the stability they provided while my parents struggled but also know that their political and cultural viewpoints are destructive and based in religious doctrine.
My grandmother yelled at me and told mer to leave her house at Thanksgiving when she found out I voted for John Kerry because of the abortion issue. She didnt follow through but she was still huffy the rest of the day. She also thought that Antifa was responsible for Jan6th and we argued about it weeks before she ended up passing. It was the last time I spoke with her.
I dont think I would have turned out as well without their stabilizing influence- their house feels more like my childhood home than my own. So I have complicated feelings on family and influences on kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking advice on navigating the relationship between my child and my in-laws, who express bigoted views. And for clarifies sake, they are outwardly and loudly racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic and xenophobic. They make it clear they believe that those who do not look like them or think like them are inferior.

I don’t want to get between my spouses relationship with their parents, but I'm concerned about the impact of these views on our child. How can I handle this situation to ensure my child isn't exposed to these harmful beliefs without damaging the family dynamic? Should I “ban” my child from being around my in-laws?

Ahem. Op, don't you also believe that your in laws are inferior to you because they don't think like you?

You can't have that much confidence in what you believe (you haven't said anything specific) if you think bunch of bigots will be so persuasive to your children.

Why is that? Isn't the rightness of your viewpoints and the wrongness of the inlaws blindingly obvious even to a child? If not, then why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking advice on navigating the relationship between my child and my in-laws, who express bigoted views. And for clarifies sake, they are outwardly and loudly racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic and xenophobic. They make it clear they believe that those who do not look like them or think like them are inferior.

I don’t want to get between my spouses relationship with their parents, but I'm concerned about the impact of these views on our child. How can I handle this situation to ensure my child isn't exposed to these harmful beliefs without damaging the family dynamic? Should I “ban” my child from being around my in-laws?

Ahem. Op, don't you also believe that your in laws are inferior to you because they don't think like you?

You can't have that much confidence in what you believe (you haven't said anything specific) if you think bunch of bigots will be so persuasive to your children.

Why is that? Isn't the rightness of your viewpoints and the wrongness of the inlaws blindingly obvious even to a child? If not, then why not?

WTF?!?!

In-laws don't "think like her" because they are bigots. The in-laws views are wrong, in no world are they correct thinking. And kids are kids. They are sponges, especially when young. Some of us do not want to expose our kids to "family who hold such dispicable views" and choose to express them routinely. Actions speak a lot louder than words, so as a parent, I don't choose to spend much time if any with people who I'm aware are bigots and who openly express these views. Sure I can tell my kids "grandma is a bigot and what she is saying is wrong and we don't think like that or talk like that". Or I can make bolder statement and when grandma says something, tell grandma "please don't be a bigot around my family. If you choose to act/say that again we will be leaving and you won't be seeing our kid(s)."