Navigating relationship with very bigoted in-laws and our first kid

[Anonymous]

I'm seeking advice on navigating the relationship between my child and my in-laws, who express bigoted views. And for clarifies sake, they are outwardly and loudly racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic and xenophobic. They make it clear they believe that those who do not look like them or think like them are inferior.

I don’t want to get between my spouses relationship with their parents, but I'm concerned about the impact of these views on our child. How can I handle this situation to ensure my child isn't exposed to these harmful beliefs without damaging the family dynamic? Should I “ban” my child from being around my in-laws?

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say about their behavior?

[Anonymous]

What does your spouse say when these bigoted statements are made?
How old is your child?

[Anonymous]

Your spouse will need to to attempt to set boundaries. I would start that early because you don't want your kid learning racist words in toddlerhood.

There is a process with this. You try to set boundaries. You enforce boundaries. Sometimes you have to make it clear what consequences could turn into besides leaving-"If you cannot refrain from racist talk/homophobic/whatever" then we will not visit with baby.

If your husband still wants a relationship with them after setting boundaries and having them violated over and over, then let him. He has to figure out things for himself. I would protect kids if boundaries don't work, but he's a grownup and should make his own decisions about himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say when these bigoted statements are made?
How old is your child?

My spouse is very upset by it. She has a very complicated relationship with them and tends to emotionally shut down around them.

Thankfully they live far away and we see them seldomly. I still am afraid as our child gets older if we are around them he’ll think their behavior and mindset is ok. I also, frankly, hate being around them. It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say when these bigoted statements are made?
How old is your child?

My spouse is very upset by it. She has a very complicated relationship with them and tends to emotionally shut down around them.

Thankfully they live far away and we see them seldomly. I still am afraid as our child gets older if we are around them he’ll think their behavior and mindset is ok. I also, frankly, hate being around them. It’s exhausting.

The likelihood of an uninvolved, physically distant grandparent warping a child’s behavior is minimal. I understand it’s exhausting, but if anything, your child is getting a peak into the people he/she doesn’t want to be like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say when these bigoted statements are made?
How old is your child?

My spouse is very upset by it. She has a very complicated relationship with them and tends to emotionally shut down around them.

Thankfully they live far away and we see them seldomly. I still am afraid as our child gets older if we are around them he’ll think their behavior and mindset is ok. I also, frankly, hate being around them. It’s exhausting.

So you really think that a few days with some bigots will make your child think it’s okay to be racist, homophobic, etc? Really? You have such poor confidence in your ability to help develop your kid’s critical thinking skills? Come on,
OP. Have some faith in yourself and your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say when these bigoted statements are made?
How old is your child?

My spouse is very upset by it. She has a very complicated relationship with them and tends to emotionally shut down around them.

Thankfully they live far away and we see them seldomly. I still am afraid as our child gets older if we are around them he’ll think their behavior and mindset is ok. I also, frankly, hate being around them. It’s exhausting.

The likelihood of an uninvolved, physically distant grandparent warping a child’s behavior is minimal. I understand it’s exhausting, but if anything, your child is getting a peak into the people he/she doesn’t want to be like.

This. My parents and in-laws are both quite bigoted. Our kids roll their eyes or call them out. They also have some funny debates. That’s the extent of it. It bothers my spouse but not me. My kids can love someone and hold different beliefs.

[Anonymous]

It’s a great opportunity to teach your kids about these attitudes, why they’re wrong, what it looks and feels like to hear them, etc. like PP said, kids will learn to disregard and react accordingly.

[Anonymous]

It’s worth you and your spouse discussing what “red lines” exist where she or you all just say you’re not okay with what they are saying and leave. If you model to your kids not just sitting there with tacit approval, that will do more than explaining to your kids.

And if it gets to that point, your spouse should say that if it happens again, the kids aren’t coming back until they are older and she will visit on her own.

My ILs used to do this. The worst was when they were praising Trump for stopping the “Mexicans who were invading” their town (that the local factories were actually recruiting…) I picked up the kids and just left without saying a word. My (completely mild-mannered) DH got into a yelling fight with his dad. Now they don’t say *anything* even slightly political around us.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully they will die before your child can absorb anything from them. Personally, I wouldn’t let my child around them, but if you do, if you hear anything racist, call them out. Talk to your child often about his the views are wrong, and it’s not what you believe.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of us grew up with racist or homophobic- or at least borderline racist/"old fashioned" grandparents, and it didn't rubb off on us in any way. If you raise your children to be decent, tolerant and loving people then exposing them to some bigoted elderly relatives is not going to infect them in any way. If anything, see it as an innoculation against such views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of us grew up with racist or homophobic- or at least borderline racist/"old fashioned" grandparents, and it didn't rubb off on us in any way. If you raise your children to be decent, tolerant and loving people then exposing them to some bigoted elderly relatives is not going to infect them in any way. If anything, see it as an innoculation against such views.

+1. Your kids will follow your views not the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

It's tough for adults to listen to this crap, so be protective of yourselves as well as your kid.

You and your spouse need to discuss and agree on what behavior you will and won't accept, both for yourselves and for your child. Then decide how you're going to implement what you've agreed on.

Your house, your rules.

[Anonymous]

I had an uncle and grandpa who both used the N-word and made racist comments. Fortunately my parents had shaped my values well enough that I was horrified and found them ignorant and wanted to minimize my time around them (even from a young age) versus at all influenced by it. That’s just to say that I think you *can* see them occasionally and not worry too much about their influence.

However they doesn’t mean you must. I think it’s be very reasonable to say that your kid should never be with them unsupervised and that if they say anything offensive, you will wrap up the visit right there and there even if it means heading to a hotel and flying home early. Leave abruptly a couple times and people typically learn to control their language real fast. And if they don’t you can severe the relationship with your child guilt free bc at that point you are literally protecting your kid from people that aren’t looking out for their best interest at all