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[quote=Anonymous]OP, how I would respond here would vary depending on the race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, and gender identity of my spouse and children. If everyone is white, I would continue to see them yet also discuss - age appropriate - with my kids before and after about our beliefs. If the n word, c word, or any other derogatory word is used by your ILs, then ideally your spouse says, "X, please do not use that word/phrase in front of our children." Say it calmly and don't make ultimatums - at least in the early phase. Give them a chance to step up. Sometimes parents do that when grandkids are involved.

If everyone is not white, straight, etc, then I would or - ideally the related spouse - would explain how our kids are only able to be in homes where their identities and beliefs are affirmed and valued. Give the ILs a chance to absorb this and attempt to rise to the occasion. Again, sometimes parents do for their grands.

SiL would not allow her DCs, especially DD, to be alone with ILs because MiL had/has outdated ideas about women and beauty. I told DH when he asked me what I thought, "Your parents do not live down the street. Our children will see and live our values at home. A weekend away, a short vacation with your parents, etc do not worry me. Might be different if we saw them on a weekly basis. We don't and I am not going to intercede here unless there becomes a reason to do so."

I don't think that example is necessarily apples to apples, but I do think that kids are more likely to question the grandparent behavior than mimic it. [/quote]

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