When do looks/personality start to matter in social dynamics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my DD’s grade, the most unlikely girl emerged as the queen bee and still is two year later. She is short, average looking, and by many accounts quite mean.

Please do not denigrate the short girls, it’s not a defect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my DD’s grade, the most unlikely girl emerged as the queen bee and still is two year later. She is short, average looking, and by many accounts quite mean.

Please do not denigrate the short girls, it’s not a defect!

Well meanness certainly is!

[Anonymous]

I see moms engineering friendships well into high school. They all want their kids to be friends with the sporty, smart, good looking kid from the influential families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my DD’s grade, the most unlikely girl emerged as the queen bee and still is two year later. She is short, average looking, and by many accounts quite mean.

Read an article somewhere about popularity and the factors that are good predictors of whether someone will be popular are often whether they are older than their classmates and whether they are the youngest or the oldest sibling in the family. There was a boy that everyone wanted to hang out with in my son's first grade class and it was because he had older siblings (sixth grade, middle school) so he was very 'cool' for a first grader -- wore trendy clothes, knew slang, rock groups, etc.

The studies that talk about whether being popular is ultimately good or bad for children also point out that the popular groups do tend to grow up faster than the regular kids -- an earlier interest in hair and makeup, rock music, dating and flirting.

I also remember one girl who was friends with my daughter who had a mother who seemingly couldn't wait until her daughter became a teen ager. she had a birthday party for her daughter in maybe second grade where she invited high school girls to come and teach the girls all the trendy dances. This isn't as blatant as setting up all the play dates and choosing all the friends, but it's behavior aimed at helping to ensure your daughter becomes one of the popular girls.

As I recall, psychologists also distinuish between popular and powerful kids, especially girls. There are those who are kind of like feared and respected because they practice relational aggression, but also those who are simply charismatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my DD’s grade, the most unlikely girl emerged as the queen bee and still is two year later. She is short, average looking, and by many accounts quite mean.

Read an article somewhere about popularity and the factors that are good predictors of whether someone will be popular are often whether they are older than their classmates and whether they are the youngest or the oldest sibling in the family. There was a boy that everyone wanted to hang out with in my son's first grade class and it was because he had older siblings (sixth grade, middle school) so he was very 'cool' for a first grader -- wore trendy clothes, knew slang, rock groups, etc.

The studies that talk about whether being popular is ultimately good or bad for children also point out that the popular groups do tend to grow up faster than the regular kids -- an earlier interest in hair and makeup, rock music, dating and flirting.

I also remember one girl who was friends with my daughter who had a mother who seemingly couldn't wait until her daughter became a teen ager. she had a birthday party for her daughter in maybe second grade where she invited high school girls to come and teach the girls all the trendy dances. This isn't as blatant as setting up all the play dates and choosing all the friends, but it's behavior aimed at helping to ensure your daughter becomes one of the popular girls.

As I recall, psychologists also distinuish between popular and powerful kids, especially girls. There are those who are kind of like feared and respected because they practice relational aggression, but also those who are simply charismatic.

I wonder if it's chicken or egg, whether the popular groups tend to grow up faster or the kids who are biologically predisposed to mature faster are more popular. I was a pretty late bloomer, my period only started at 14, and for a long time I still looked like a kid while my more developed classmates got catcalled on the street. I was also very oblivious to lots of stuff - I guess hormones did not kick in yet.

[Anonymous]

It's probably less complicated for boys, but it seems like popularity is based on whether or not they like sports and video games - extra points for actually being good at sports and video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably less complicated for boys, but it seems like popularity is based on whether or not they like sports and video games - extra points for actually being good at sports and video games.

As a boy parent I kind of agree. In mid-elementary school they seem to bond over playing sports at recess or being friends outside of school from various rec teams.

[Anonymous]

Stop mentally damaging your kid with these stupid "personality and popularity" expectations at such a young age.

[Anonymous]

I would posit it always matters. Like it or not, cute, attractive kids with a nice personality are treated better by adults, including teachers. This in turn boosts their confidence and social skills, versus feeling abandoned/rejected. The confidence and happiness makes them more appealing to be around, to peers and (again) to other adults. It's a cycle, and it starts probably from birth.

[Anonymous]

I secretly hope soon, because my kids is really very handsome but not very plugged in. All the other kids went to preschool together and know each other from rec sports which are not taking on any new kids.

[Anonymous]

My kid is ridiculously good looking and great at sports
#blessed

[Anonymous]

I don't think the moms are really out of it until middle school, but looks and personality matter starting in preschool. Kids always flock to attractive and warm, outgoing kids from very early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop mentally damaging your kid with these stupid "personality and popularity" expectations at such a young age.

+1

Popularity, especially in the context of school, is often arbitrary and very shallow. A popular child might not have a single actual friend, just lots of hangers-on. Meanwhile an unpopular child might have 2-3 great friendships and excellent social skills, but simply not be on the radar of most other kids in class. In terms of social skill development, popularity is a very poor measure. It's fine if your kid is popular, but I'd be looking more at their actual relationships and behavior within those relationships, then counting how many kids are inviting them to birthday parties.

And personality is so changeable, especially at a young age. The worst thing you can do to a kid is pigeonhole them as having a certain personality. I've seen so many kids go from shy and reserved to confident and talkative in a short period of time. Likewise I've seen boisterous trouble-makers settle down and become more serious with age, or with the development of an interest that focuses their energy. Kids tend to be super reactive to outside stimuli, so a lot of their personality can simply be a reaction to home environment, school environment, academic experiences, etc.

Also kids often behave very differently with peers or at school than they do at home. I tend to think the at home personality is most important and most "true" because it's who they are when they feel most comfortable and at ease. At least if the kid has a good, loving home environment, this is true. But it can take time for kids to reach a level of comfort with others to express that version of themselves at school or among friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop mentally damaging your kid with these stupid "personality and popularity" expectations at such a young age.

Seriously! Some of these comments sound so catty and pathetic. So clear that mean kids have mean / insecure parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the moms are really out of it until middle school, but looks and personality matter starting in preschool. Kids always flock to attractive and warm, outgoing kids from very early.

Even in ES I only make playdates with kids that my DC plays with at school. It’s not really about which parents I know.