DADT Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is monogamous but I think a DADT marriage makes more sense than a true "open" marriage even though it seems less emotionally mature. Everyone I know who is in or has tried open marriage, it's just an endless series of annoying choices that you have to be "mature" about but actually suck. Everything from setting the rules of what people are allowed to do, to deciding how much to share with each other, to deciding who outside the marriage to tell about the openness, then dealing with kids... it's logistically just suuuuuuper annoying. I get why people do it but have seen enough of these from the outside (two that are still intact, the rest ended in divorce) to know it is very much not for me or my DH.

At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, ffs.

But don't you have to talk about it a little bit for it to be this and not just an affair? You can't just assume your spouse is also sleeping with other people, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in a DADT marriage? What led you to that point? Are you happy?

Just found out that my parents marriage was like this. I’m shelled shocked. I have a lot of curiosity about why couples choose this.

Some people like sex a lot.

I like sex a lot, with my spouse. No need to bring others into the fold.

Came here to say this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is monogamous but I think a DADT marriage makes more sense than a true "open" marriage even though it seems less emotionally mature. Everyone I know who is in or has tried open marriage, it's just an endless series of annoying choices that you have to be "mature" about but actually suck. Everything from setting the rules of what people are allowed to do, to deciding how much to share with each other, to deciding who outside the marriage to tell about the openness, then dealing with kids... it's logistically just suuuuuuper annoying. I get why people do it but have seen enough of these from the outside (two that are still intact, the rest ended in divorce) to know it is very much not for me or my DH.

At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, ffs.

But don't you have to talk about it a little bit for it to be this and not just an affair? You can't just assume your spouse is also sleeping with other people, right?

I think sometimes people in these marriage will have told each other "I would never want to know" but won't necessarily make a formal arrangement. My DH once told me he'd never want to know if I cheated, that it would be cruel to tell him unless we were getting a divorce because they he'd have to live with the knowledge. I've never had an affair, but I think people in DADT marriages sometimes have conversations like that.

Or they might have conversations where they address it indirectly and one or both say explicitly "I don't want to know." Like maybe someone discovers evidence of cheating by accident and there's a moment when a confession could take place but instead the other person says, "let it be" or "I don't want to know."

Willful ignorance is a VERY popular method of coping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a one way DADT. it's fine but not what I expected when I got married. Did a lot of therapy, both couples and individual. I find myself constantly redrawing agreed-upon boundaries, which is annoying.

Are you the person with the pass? What are examples of boundary redrawing? Do you think the arrangement has improved your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is monogamous but I think a DADT marriage makes more sense than a true "open" marriage even though it seems less emotionally mature. Everyone I know who is in or has tried open marriage, it's just an endless series of annoying choices that you have to be "mature" about but actually suck. Everything from setting the rules of what people are allowed to do, to deciding how much to share with each other, to deciding who outside the marriage to tell about the openness, then dealing with kids... it's logistically just suuuuuuper annoying. I get why people do it but have seen enough of these from the outside (two that are still intact, the rest ended in divorce) to know it is very much not for me or my DH.

At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, ffs.

What are some of the differences between the marriages you've seen fold and those that survive?

[Anonymous]

At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, FFS.

I saw the "DADT marriage" play out with one of my wife's BBFs. The DW wanted to have a relationship with a man she worked with and did not want a divorce (her AP was married, and he was not looking to get divorced either.)

She talked her DH into it and here is the timeline:

Month 1-6: DW was on Cloud Nine, having a great time with her AP. Her DH was stuck minding the kids, often doing so alone since the DW and the AP were able to travel together. The DH tried to find his own AP(s), but finding someone who wanted in on this type of arrangement was hard. The DH joined a running class at his gym since he had extra time.
Month 6-12: DW was still doing fine with her AP; however, the AP did not have a DADT agreement with his wife, and the wife started asking questions. The DH got in better shape and even set up a little mojo-dojo-casa house (an apartment in downtown DC) so he could have a place (other than his house) for his OLD profile. Still, he did not have much luck.
Month 12-18: The DW's AP broke up with her because his wife started to get wise to the situation. The DH changed his OLD profile to indicate he was separated and soon to be divorced. His love life picked up, and he became the one going out of town. The DW pointed out that he was breaking their agreement by imitating that he was seeking a new DW. However, once started, he had no interest in stopping and told her he had much better luck when women thought he was available for a relationship.

They were well off, but not well enough to support his single lifestyle and their married lifestyle. They started fighting more and more about the money and it ended their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Better hope hubby is snipped or you may be either divorcing or on the hook for child support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is monogamous but I think a DADT marriage makes more sense than a true "open" marriage even though it seems less emotionally mature. Everyone I know who is in or has tried open marriage, it's just an endless series of annoying choices that you have to be "mature" about but actually suck. Everything from setting the rules of what people are allowed to do, to deciding how much to share with each other, to deciding who outside the marriage to tell about the openness, then dealing with kids... it's logistically just suuuuuuper annoying. I get why people do it but have seen enough of these from the outside (two that are still intact, the rest ended in divorce) to know it is very much not for me or my DH.

At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, ffs.

What are some of the differences between the marriages you've seen fold and those that survive?

The two that survived, one of them closed the marriage back up and they are now monogamous but I think pretty sexually adventurous. With them I think the issue was getting married young, having kids young, hitting mid 30s and just being bored and feeling like they missed out. So they did the open marriage thing for a while, realized it didn't work and made them insanely jealous plus messed up their communication, but also realized they wanted to make it work and were lucky to have each other. They did therapy and worked it out.

The other one that survived, one of them has a diagnosed personal disorder that I think the open marriage helps to ameliorate. They have kids and I think zero interest in divorce. It "works" but is so specific to them. I think the one with the PD gets to feed their narcissism and need for constant affection and attention through serial relationships with often younger partners. The other one has a longterm relationship with another person who doesn't want kids or marriage but is happy to have that relationship and connection. I don't think you could recreate their marriage if you tried.

Everyone who divorced, I think open marriage just made them realize they weren't compatible anymore and wanted new relationships with other people. It was a weigh station on the way to divorce and to some extent I think they knew it would be all along.

I feel bad for the kids in almost all of these relationships except maybe the first one (two kids, one who I think is doing great and the other who is not, but I'm not sure that's the fault of the marriage). I think all of this is super confusing and tumultuous for them and the older the kids get, the more vocally... annoyed they are with their parents.

I think either a DADT marriage or a mature divorce where the couple divorces and THEN pursues other relationships would be better on the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, FFS.

I saw the "DADT marriage" play out with one of my wife's BBFs. The DW wanted to have a relationship with a man she worked with and did not want a divorce (her AP was married, and he was not looking to get divorced either.)

She talked her DH into it and here is the timeline:

Month 1-6: DW was on Cloud Nine, having a great time with her AP. Her DH was stuck minding the kids, often doing so alone since the DW and the AP were able to travel together. The DH tried to find his own AP(s), but finding someone who wanted in on this type of arrangement was hard. The DH joined a running class at his gym since he had extra time.
Month 6-12: DW was still doing fine with her AP; however, the AP did not have a DADT agreement with his wife, and the wife started asking questions. The DH got in better shape and even set up a little mojo-dojo-casa house (an apartment in downtown DC) so he could have a place (other than his house) for his OLD profile. Still, he did not have much luck.
Month 12-18: The DW's AP broke up with her because his wife started to get wise to the situation. The DH changed his OLD profile to indicate he was separated and soon to be divorced. His love life picked up, and he became the one going out of town. The DW pointed out that he was breaking their agreement by imitating that he was seeking a new DW. However, once started, he had no interest in stopping and told her he had much better luck when women thought he was available for a relationship.

They were well off, but not well enough to support his single lifestyle and their married lifestyle. They started fighting more and more about the money and it ended their marriage.

That's not DADT. That's an open marriage. They had a spoken agreement.

DADT is when one or both partners cheat but no one tells anyone else and they pretend they are still monogamous.

[Anonymous]

That's not DADT. That's an open marriage. They had a spoken agreement.

DADT is when one or both partners cheat but no one tells anyone else and they pretend they are still monogamous.

Wut. How is DADT not an agreement to have an affair?

What do mean "no one tells anyone else"?

[Anonymous]

How is any marriage not DADT?

Do you continually interrogate and investigate your spouse as to whether they're cheating in ways you can't see?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is any marriage not DADT?

Do you continually interrogate and investigate your spouse as to whether they're cheating in ways you can't see?

????

Have you never heard of a spouse confessing to or asking about an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is monogamous but I think a DADT marriage makes more sense than a true "open" marriage even though it seems less emotionally mature. Everyone I know who is in or has tried open marriage, it's just an endless series of annoying choices that you have to be "mature" about but actually suck. Everything from setting the rules of what people are allowed to do, to deciding how much to share with each other, to deciding who outside the marriage to tell about the openness, then dealing with kids... it's logistically just suuuuuuper annoying. I get why people do it but have seen enough of these from the outside (two that are still intact, the rest ended in divorce) to know it is very much not for me or my DH.

At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, ffs.

But don't you have to talk about it a little bit for it to be this and not just an affair? You can't just assume your spouse is also sleeping with other people, right?

I think sometimes people in these marriage will have told each other "I would never want to know" but won't necessarily make a formal arrangement. My DH once told me he'd never want to know if I cheated, that it would be cruel to tell him unless we were getting a divorce because they he'd have to live with the knowledge. I've never had an affair, but I think people in DADT marriages sometimes have conversations like that.

Or they might have conversations where they address it indirectly and one or both say explicitly "I don't want to know." Like maybe someone discovers evidence of cheating by accident and there's a moment when a confession could take place but instead the other person says, "let it be" or "I don't want to know."

Willful ignorance is a VERY popular method of coping.

Okay, I can see the second scenario. The first one, though, yikes. I have had that theoretical conversation with my husband and like you I'd never interpret that as the initiation of a DADT policy in the sense that OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a one way DADT. it's fine but not what I expected when I got married. Did a lot of therapy, both couples and individual. I find myself constantly redrawing agreed-upon boundaries, which is annoying.

Are you the person with the pass? What are examples of boundary redrawing? Do you think the arrangement has improved your marriage?

Yes I'm the person with the pass. Boundaries include don't ask me what I did last night or who I hung out with; I have plans and no sort you can't come along; things like that.

The arrangement keeps us married because i certainly did not expect 0% intimacy with my spouse after my wedding night!

[Anonymous]

I think DADT used to just be called "marriage." Then a strange team of liberal and conservative morality police got involved and made everyone's marriage worse.