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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My marriage is monogamous but I think a DADT marriage makes more sense than a true "open" marriage even though it seems less emotionally mature. Everyone I know who is in or has tried open marriage, it's just an endless series of annoying choices that you have to be "mature" about but actually suck. Everything from setting the rules of what people are allowed to do, to deciding how much to share with each other, to deciding who outside the marriage to tell about the openness, then dealing with kids... it's logistically just suuuuuuper annoying. I get why people do it but have seen enough of these from the outside (two that are still intact, the rest ended in divorce) to know it is very much not for me or my DH.

At least in a DADT marriage, it's pretty simple. Be discrete. Don't do anything that would compromise that discretion. Use protection. Never talk about it. I could even see it sort of helping to revive a marriage by adding some mystery and competition and just making the individual partners feel wanted and sexy again, which is the stuff it's hard to access after years of monogamy and kids. But without all the logistical annoyances of open marriage because the assumption is that any affairs must fit around the marriage without disturbing it. So there are no "arrangements." Figure out how to make your affairs happen on your lunch our or at "the gym" or during work travel, but no we are not sitting down as a couple to figure out how to arrange childcare so that you can do a couples weekend with your girlfriend, ffs.[/quote]

What are some of the differences between the marriages you've seen fold and those that survive?[/quote]

The two that survived, one of them closed the marriage back up and they are now monogamous but I think pretty sexually adventurous. With them I think the issue was getting married young, having kids young, hitting mid 30s and just being bored and feeling like they missed out. So they did the open marriage thing for a while, realized it didn't work and made them insanely jealous plus messed up their communication, but also realized they wanted to make it work and were lucky to have each other. They did therapy and worked it out.

The other one that survived, one of them has a diagnosed personal disorder that I think the open marriage helps to ameliorate. They have kids and I think zero interest in divorce. It "works" but is so specific to them. I think the one with the PD gets to feed their narcissism and need for constant affection and attention through serial relationships with often younger partners. The other one has a longterm relationship with another person who doesn't want kids or marriage but is happy to have that relationship and connection. I don't think you could recreate their marriage if you tried.

Everyone who divorced, I think open marriage just made them realize they weren't compatible anymore and wanted new relationships with other people. It was a weigh station on the way to divorce and to some extent I think they knew it would be all along.

I feel bad for the kids in almost all of these relationships except maybe the first one (two kids, one who I think is doing great and the other who is not, but I'm not sure that's the fault of the marriage). I think all of this is super confusing and tumultuous for them and the older the kids get, the more vocally... annoyed they are with their parents.

I think either a DADT marriage or a mature divorce where the couple divorces and THEN pursues other relationships would be better on the children.[/quote]

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