If you’ve been married over a decade…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you share what your lowest marital point was and how you and spouse bounced back? Going through an incredibly tough two years that has included an emotional affair and trying to find hope

Who had the emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One kid with profound intellectual disability and then the other kid for cancer. We did a couple of brief stints in marital counseling (like 5 sessions each time) with the two diagnoses. We also have always participated in marriage enrichment stuff through church. I firmly believe that the strong communication foundation we had from marriage enrichment classes and groups is what kept us from falling apart.

Even if you are not religious, I think marriage enrichment type stuff is really helpful. You can ignore the Bible references. But that is for more practice stuff, not really couples in deep crisis where I think you need a secular counselor.

Thank you. Are there any links you would recommend? If anyone else has helpful online resources also feel free to share.

Again, these are not really for a crisis.
But, five love languages and the five languages of im sorry (same author) can be really interesting. Mark gungors (not sure of spelling) Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage is hilarious and compelling. Better Marriages is a secular organization with all kinds of materials and retreats/meetings. Better Marriages is an organization that is aging out, but the materials can still be valuable.

[Anonymous]

we had a rough few years of sick spouse, dying parents, two kids (one with SNs), Covid, and just general life stuff.

Spouse is healthy, parents died, kids are in MS/HS- things have gotten better but there were many moments where I felt like walking away.

[Anonymous]

Losing our teenager to suicide. Grief processed very differently. Hard things can feel very isolating & connections strained. 25 years married-We continue to choose each other. Communication is key. You are 2 separate people each with their own feelings and insecurities. Being vulnerable is tough but the only way past is through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing our teenager to suicide. Grief processed very differently. Hard things can feel very isolating & connections strained. 25 years married-We continue to choose each other. Communication is key. You are 2 separate people each with their own feelings and insecurities. Being vulnerable is tough but the only way past is through.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you made it through.

[Anonymous]

Earliest years were a little tough because husband’s money baggage appeared. People on this board seem to think everything about a person is evident before you get married. It’s simply untrue. People mask. New situations bring out hidden behavior or beliefs.

It was VERY hard when we had little kids and both of us were climbing career ladders. I became the default parent in every way and it was exhausting and frankly unfair. My kids needed a hands on parent and he should have helped shoulder more of the responsibilities but he was dealing with his own stuff.

Throughout the marriage we’ve had to deal with his dysfunctional family but thankfully he is now expert at setting up healthy boundaries.

Therapy has really helped us manage these “lows” and build better skills.

[Anonymous]

23 years had two rough patches.

First one, after second child was born we became sexless for years. She wanted more children I didn't, so she stopped with sex. For the record I was older and only I worked. I would have had more but money was tight.

Second rough patch was when she hit her mid forties and had a midlife crisis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years into a marriage with a spouse who has issues. There are always ups and downs. Always. If I had a better option, I would leave.

Same here, I do plan to when kids are out of the house in another 10 years. Length of marriage doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a healthy or happy one

[Anonymous]

The Trump years, and he didn’t even like Trump. But those sucked heartily.

[Anonymous]

You are going to have serious ups and downs over the life of a healthy marriage. I believe strongly in individual therapy for whomever will benefit (you, your spouse, both) and couples therapy when needed. I also believe in keeping yourself up... physically, mentally, professionally... have a life outside of your marriage so you feel good for you.

Listen to the Mel Robbins podcast on six tips for getting through marriage. I think it is great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20 years into a marriage with a spouse who has issues. There are always ups and downs. Always. If I had a better option, I would leave.

until "a better option" do us part. How modern.

Yeah. Walk a mile in my shoes. You'd understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years into a marriage with a spouse who has issues. There are always ups and downs. Always. If I had a better option, I would leave.

Same boat. I wish I would have not ignored the red flags and married someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing our teenager to suicide. Grief processed very differently. Hard things can feel very isolating & connections strained. 25 years married-We continue to choose each other. Communication is key. You are 2 separate people each with their own feelings and insecurities. Being vulnerable is tough but the only way past is through.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing our teenager to suicide. Grief processed very differently. Hard things can feel very isolating & connections strained. 25 years married-We continue to choose each other. Communication is key. You are 2 separate people each with their own feelings and insecurities. Being vulnerable is tough but the only way past is through.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you made it through.

+2

What a terrible loss, I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

18 years. DH had a ONS while on a business trip followed by almost a year of sexting that person. I told myself I'd give it 6 months to reevaluate if I wanted to continue in the marriage. We dove into marriage and individual therapy. I saw great strides so at 6 months I gave it another 6 months and eventually stayed. Happy I did. There was immense hurt and damage done, but we ultimately ended up more communicative and close than we'd ever been.