If you’ve been married over a decade…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Birth of a child and my husband completely checking out (with his parents full support and approval). You know how when someone much stronger is hitting you, you can't really fight back and can only minimize the damage by covering the more sensitive parts? That was me, I didn't have the bandwidth to fight back because I needed to get through each day. Finally, after a few years when the kid was older, I had a come to Jesus talk with my husband and told him that if he doesn't change pronto, his life is about to become his worst nightmare. And then a few weeks later Covid happened.

The in-laws were instantly muted. For one thing, they couldn't visit for a couple of years, for another, it's hard to give their daily pep talk of reigning in the witch when the said witch is in the house within hearing distance. Plus, being together 24/7, finally made my husband understand on one hand what family really requires and on the other, that he has it really, really good. We've weathered the lockdown beautifully, and our relationship has been blooming since.

The pandemic was terrible in general but also very beneficial to some. We fall in that category too. It was wonderful to get our commutes back and spend so much more time with our kids. It made our marriage and family stronger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you share what your lowest marital point was and how you and spouse bounced back? Going through an incredibly tough two years that has included an emotional affair and trying to find hope

I had an emotional affair with a lot of sexting and I think I definitely had real feelings for the other person, if not love.

Our marriage was very unhealthy, the way we resolved conflicts was unhealthy, we had stopped having sex. It was just bad all around.

DH had an incredible amount of maturity and forgiveness in letting it go, and our marriage is healing. I think we are over this hump. Hang in there OP.

[Anonymous]

From my perspective it has been mostly downs that from DH’s perspective are all my fault. So that’s fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years into a marriage with a spouse who has issues. There are always ups and downs. Always. If I had a better option, I would leave.

What would a better option look like?

[Anonymous]

We've been married 18 years and have 3 kids who are now in middle school and high school, but the years when they were little (under 4) were pretty rough. Career priorities have also been a point of contention. We lived in a lot of different places (opposite coasts, other countries, etc) because of his career and it's caused tension as I've needed to pivot and reinvent my career several times. One of the current struggles now is I don't like where we live and I also miss my family, but I also want stability of schools for the kids and just don't want to move again regardless of the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

25+ years.

Right now on the surface everything looks good. But I'm annoyed at DH, as he is not looking for a job - he's in a job he doesn't like, doesn't want to be in, and pays like crap. He's had 3 opportunities in the last month and has BLOWN THEM ALL. (yes, I work. Not we aren't rich. This is more about contributing fairly than the amount of money he makes.

Whenever I ask about a job search I get the sad sack Eyore response of "I've got to get on that" ... it's his bull excuse and I anticipate he'll never get on that!

We've had other stressors/much worse stressors. But this is the current stress for me.

[Anonymous]

It was right when we got married. We were both working a lot, so had maybe two waking hours together daily? I don't think that was good for us. But also, I'd never learned how to argue properly and DH dealt with being upset by staying at work. So our communication was horrible. We went to couples counseling. I grew up. We learned how to argue effectively.

[Anonymous]

We had three kids within four years and then hit some financial problems that freaked me out and almost broke me. I was a mess and it really affected our marriage. No affairs or anything like that but we were a mess. But my husband was so calm and solve the problem oriented that we somehow recovered financially. It took awhile for our relationship to fully recover but I realized I was the weak link and from then on I worked hard to end that. We’ve been married 27 years and we are doing fine. My husband lime to say that “marriage ain’t for sissies” and he is right.

[Anonymous]

Not being able to fully embrace one of my rediscovered passions. I get to participate but only to the extent HE sees fit. I didn’t realize how insecure he was till now. I need to figure out how to remedy this so I can do what I want—I let him do whatever makes him happy, so I feel it’s really not a lot to ask. It’s a low point because it’s not just about the drudgery of kids and work and expected stuff—it’s me feeling UNexpectedly stifled and controlled but not wanting to compromise our relationship, and that’s a pretty heavy thing to carry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not being able to fully embrace one of my rediscovered passions. I get to participate but only to the extent HE sees fit. I didn’t realize how insecure he was till now. I need to figure out how to remedy this so I can do what I want—I let him do whatever makes him happy, so I feel it’s really not a lot to ask. It’s a low point because it’s not just about the drudgery of kids and work and expected stuff—it’s me feeling UNexpectedly stifled and controlled but not wanting to compromise our relationship, and that’s a pretty heavy thing to carry.

What is the rediscovered passion? Why does DH protest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not being able to fully embrace one of my rediscovered passions. I get to participate but only to the extent HE sees fit. I didn’t realize how insecure he was till now. I need to figure out how to remedy this so I can do what I want—I let him do whatever makes him happy, so I feel it’s really not a lot to ask. It’s a low point because it’s not just about the drudgery of kids and work and expected stuff—it’s me feeling UNexpectedly stifled and controlled but not wanting to compromise our relationship, and that’s a pretty heavy thing to carry.

What is the rediscovered passion? Why does DH protest?

Theatre. He has things he doesn’t want me doing, even though none of it’s real. So I could land a coveted role but have to turn it down because there might be a romantic arc to it or the character might be too “slutty.” (For the record, I have boundaries about certain things too!) I get the discomfort but he’s been in much more compromising positions through work and has made responsible judgments, so why can’t he trust me to do the same?

[Anonymous]

Mental illness. Required regular psych visits and medication. I turned into Nurse Ratchet for a while.

[Anonymous]

Unexpected death of our baby.

[Anonymous]

Together 20 years. Lowest point coincided with my year-long fight with dark depression. I was very, very hard to be around and my very generous and loving DH finally started getting frustrated. I'll never forget the shock on his face when I started screaming at him. We are still crawling out of that hole. We are doing well, but probably won't ever be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing our teenager to suicide. Grief processed very differently. Hard things can feel very isolating & connections strained. 25 years married-We continue to choose each other. Communication is key. You are 2 separate people each with their own feelings and insecurities. Being vulnerable is tough but the only way past is through.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you made it through.

+1. God Bless.