Living with my Dad is so hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average person, not the wealthy on this forum, cannot save enough money to pay for assisted living, etc.

We are not talking about assisted living we are talking about independent living. Many are very affordable especially if you sell a house. You can pay $150,000 to get in and $3000/month which includes one meal a day, activities, maintenance, and shuttle to dr appointments.

Once you are in a place like this they will move you to other level's of living and take your SS and medicare as payment. They don't kick you out. Many never go to the next level.

I’m sorry but how do people have $3000/month laying around? It doesn’t sound affordable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents into a house with your kids is a disaster. It’s exhausting and steals so much time from your spouse and children.

They should move to continuous care facilities where they can live independently and have their own identity and friends.

Reclaim your life and enable your dad to have one of his own,

“Steals so much time.”

Wow. That’s really dehumanizing. An aging person’s needs reduced to “theft.”

“They should move.”

No they shouldn’t. They should have the money to stay home with full time live in care and attention. But almost nobody can afford that. Just like the vast majority of older people can’t afford to just move to a “continuous care facility.”

There’s no one size fits all solution to these situations, least of all a glib dismissal of the elderly as not even worthy of human dignity.

+1 Is it okay to say that having kids steals so much time from your spouse, so you should put your kids in boarding school and reclaim your life?

Some do feel this way, but I wonder why they have kids in the first place.

Your parents spent an enormous amount of time and money raising you. I don’t understand the selfishness of the adult children who won’t reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average person, not the wealthy on this forum, cannot save enough money to pay for assisted living, etc.

We are not talking about assisted living we are talking about independent living. Many are very affordable especially if you sell a house. You can pay $150,000 to get in and $3000/month which includes one meal a day, activities, maintenance, and shuttle to dr appointments.

Once you are in a place like this they will move you to other level's of living and take your SS and medicare as payment. They don't kick you out. Many never go to the next level.

I’m sorry but how do people have $3000/month laying around? It doesn’t sound affordable to me.

Again, if you were irresponsible then yes you can't stay in a really nice place like that. Can you find me a house that is < $500,000 today? If they sell a house they can afford it, plus social security, plus retirement savings. It's actually very reasonable.

$500,000-$150,000=$350,000 ... assume $1500 in SS that is $1500 a month so that is 19 years of money. at 80 they can live there until 99, basic math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents into a house with your kids is a disaster. It’s exhausting and steals so much time from your spouse and children.

They should move to continuous care facilities where they can live independently and have their own identity and friends.

Reclaim your life and enable your dad to have one of his own,

“Steals so much time.”

Wow. That’s really dehumanizing. An aging person’s needs reduced to “theft.”

“They should move.”

No they shouldn’t. They should have the money to stay home with full time live in care and attention. But almost nobody can afford that. Just like the vast majority of older people can’t afford to just move to a “continuous care facility.”

There’s no one size fits all solution to these situations, least of all a glib dismissal of the elderly as not even worthy of human dignity.

+1 Is it okay to say that having kids steals so much time from your spouse, so you should put your kids in boarding school and reclaim your life?

Some do feel this way, but I wonder why they have kids in the first place.

Your parents spent an enormous amount of time and money raising you. I don’t understand the selfishness of the adult children who won’t reciprocate.

You choose to have kids and yes if they are a burden to you after they are 25 there is a problem, barring disabilities.

I chose to have kids and raised them to be independent and we see each other regularly but I will never be a burden to them while they are raising kids and loving their spouse.

My parents spent an enormous amount of time teaching me about personal responsibility and they did so by being a role model, not living above their means, paying off a modest house, saving a little in retirement and going to live in a CC neighborhood once they could not care for their own home anymore.

I cared for them when they were sick like I do for anybody, especially family, but they are not just living with me so they can spend all their money. Nope.
 
Why did you have kids? to work the farm and support you? That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard of... reciprocate are you kidding me.

Grow up. If that is your plan get a job, put away for retirement, pay off your house and stop being a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents into a house with your kids is a disaster. It’s exhausting and steals so much time from your spouse and children.

They should move to continuous care facilities where they can live independently and have their own identity and friends.

Reclaim your life and enable your dad to have one of his own,

This was our experience as well. My MIL was with us for 3 years and had a dementia diagnosis bad enough to get disability but not enough to get care/housing.

This was essentially during COVID and she wouldn't eat meals with us or would ask my DH to make her something different while we were in the calamity of making dinner ourselves. She accused us of stealing her money. She would not shower regularly. Our house smelled. Her cat ruined the furniture we bought for her bedroom. We bought the house we live in because she needed a main level bedroom and bath and now we are stuck here even though the layout sucks with kids: 2 up 2 down. She wouldn't take her medications so we had to watch her take them 3-4 times a day. She did not assist with ANYTHING- not even taking her used dishes to the sink. I could only clean or vacuum her room when she was at the doctors office because she would complain about being pushed out.

0 stars. Not recommended. Not every elderly person is sweet and kind and helpful.

[Anonymous]

Gosh hope you dad didn't mind living with you while you were growing up.

[Anonymous]

Don't guilt yourself. If he's social he can make friends, there are activities, life is easier and geared to his tastes. My IL is in a good place and is happy and has adjusted well. It's better than being isolated with everyone gone during the day.

[Anonymous]

Has OP answered what the actual problem is yet? We can guess, but OP knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents into a house with your kids is a disaster. It’s exhausting and steals so much time from your spouse and children.

They should move to continuous care facilities where they can live independently and have their own identity and friends.

Reclaim your life and enable your dad to have one of his own,

This was our experience as well. My MIL was with us for 3 years and had a dementia diagnosis bad enough to get disability but not enough to get care/housing.

This was essentially during COVID and she wouldn't eat meals with us or would ask my DH to make her something different while we were in the calamity of making dinner ourselves. She accused us of stealing her money. She would not shower regularly. Our house smelled. Her cat ruined the furniture we bought for her bedroom. We bought the house we live in because she needed a main level bedroom and bath and now we are stuck here even though the layout sucks with kids: 2 up 2 down. She wouldn't take her medications so we had to watch her take them 3-4 times a day. She did not assist with ANYTHING- not even taking her used dishes to the sink. I could only clean or vacuum her room when she was at the doctors office because she would complain about being pushed out.

0 stars. Not recommended. Not every elderly person is sweet and kind and helpful.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents into a house with your kids is a disaster. It’s exhausting and steals so much time from your spouse and children.

They should move to continuous care facilities where they can live independently and have their own identity and friends.

Reclaim your life and enable your dad to have one of his own,

“Steals so much time.”

Wow. That’s really dehumanizing. An aging person’s needs reduced to “theft.”

“They should move.”

No they shouldn’t. They should have the money to stay home with full time live in care and attention. But almost nobody can afford that. Just like the vast majority of older people can’t afford to just move to a “continuous care facility.”

There’s no one size fits all solution to these situations, least of all a glib dismissal of the elderly as not even worthy of human dignity.

+1 Is it okay to say that having kids steals so much time from your spouse, so you should put your kids in boarding school and reclaim your life?

Some do feel this way, but I wonder why they have kids in the first place.

Your parents spent an enormous amount of time and money raising you. I don’t understand the selfishness of the adult children who won’t reciprocate.

Actually, many parents don’t put a lot of time and money into raising their kids. Mine sure didn’t, and I’m mindful of this when creating boundaries during their elder care.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the trolls/haters. Check out different assisted living places, they give tours. You'll be surprised, there are decent places and decent caregivers, you just have to look. I know it's hard. Call on a trusted sibling or relative that will hear you out and give you moral support.

No one knows what it's like to be in your shoes until they are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents into a house with your kids is a disaster. It’s exhausting and steals so much time from your spouse and children.

They should move to continuous care facilities where they can live independently and have their own identity and friends.

Reclaim your life and enable your dad to have one of his own,

“Steals so much time.”

Wow. That’s really dehumanizing. An aging person’s needs reduced to “theft.”

“They should move.”

No they shouldn’t. They should have the money to stay home with full time live in care and attention. But almost nobody can afford that. Just like the vast majority of older people can’t afford to just move to a “continuous care facility.”

There’s no one size fits all solution to these situations, least of all a glib dismissal of the elderly as not even worthy of human dignity.

Sorry you did not save and now you will be a burden to your children.

Yes, if you can’t be a full adult with your own life and your own living arrangements (unless you are disabled) you are irresponsible. You are a burden and you are stealing precious moments children should spend with their parent.

You are selfish and irresponsible.

Get a life and visit with your family once a week or once a month but don’t live with them.

Where did you learn to hate like this?

It's love not hate. Where did you learn to be so passive aggressive and needy and blame everybody for your own failings.

I cared for my parents until the day they died but they lived 15 minutes from me and made sure they had friend, activities and outings... with people their own age. Family was close and they were able to see their grandkids on the regular. They were strong, active and independent until their final weeks/months.

I truly feel for people who spent their whole live spending money and not saving and find themselves in a pickle but own you own decisions. Actions have consequences.

PP, you have a very narrow POV and world of experience. Yes, there are plenty of parents who blew through cash and expect their children to subsidize their lives. But there are plenty of others who worked and worked, yet never earned enough to live in the way that your parents were able to do till their final days. Some worked so hard that their bodies, even their minds, are now failing them.

Where the love is in your post is a mystery to me and probably other readers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average person, not the wealthy on this forum, cannot save enough money to pay for assisted living, etc.

We are not talking about assisted living we are talking about independent living. Many are very affordable especially if you sell a house. You can pay $150,000 to get in and $3000/month which includes one meal a day, activities, maintenance, and shuttle to dr appointments.

Once you are in a place like this they will move you to other level's of living and take your SS and medicare as payment. They don't kick you out. Many never go to the next level.

I’m sorry but how do people have $3000/month laying around? It doesn’t sound affordable to me.

For a lot of people in this area who bought a home 30+ years ago, that is affordable if they sell the home. My parents bought a home for $100,000 that they sold for $1,100,000. For people without assets, there are Medicaid nursing homes if you need a lot of care.

[Anonymous]

OP, your issue is genuine and common. Multigenerational living isn't easy and often damaging to marriages.

However, you owe it to your parents to help them find solutions within their budget or either supplement the difference or take them in.

If possible sell their house and use gains to pay for their assisted living facility or let them live with you but add a full bath and small kitchen to their room and hire an attendant so they have a private space and you can still go to work and your family has some privacy.

Its just tough but with love, grace, empathy and smart thinking, you can make it easier if not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents into a house with your kids is a disaster. It’s exhausting and steals so much time from your spouse and children.

They should move to continuous care facilities where they can live independently and have their own identity and friends.

Reclaim your life and enable your dad to have one of his own,

“Steals so much time.”

Wow. That’s really dehumanizing. An aging person’s needs reduced to “theft.”

“They should move.”

No they shouldn’t. They should have the money to stay home with full time live in care and attention. But almost nobody can afford that. Just like the vast majority of older people can’t afford to just move to a “continuous care facility.”

There’s no one size fits all solution to these situations, least of all a glib dismissal of the elderly as not even worthy of human dignity.

+1 Is it okay to say that having kids steals so much time from your spouse, so you should put your kids in boarding school and reclaim your life?

Some do feel this way, but I wonder why they have kids in the first place.

Your parents spent an enormous amount of time and money raising you. I don’t understand the selfishness of the adult children who won’t reciprocate.

To be fair, having kids and raising them is a choice in which kids have no say, so is helping parents and parents have no say.

That being said, find smart solutions for both so neither parents nor kids have to become full time caregivers.