Irrationally angry at my teen daughter and having trouble forgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though your husband won’t re-engage in therapy you need to. Also maybe spare a thought for your kids who are living in a home with parents with no desire to be together and are just staying together because neither wants to be a single parent.

Yeah, this. I was going to say the exact same thing. 0P, you are in desperate need of individual therapy. You really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of your reasons matter, OP. Your husband’s parents are old and not doing well and when they are gone he will resent you.

Also you know that the reasons are just excuses. And the one you tacked in to the end of the list “I just don’t want to” is the actual truth.

You had “your way” for the better part of 20 years.
Where is the give in your version on give-and-take with this marriage?

Sure, you have a fed job now. And that makes it difficult. But you can do hard things OP.
There are other jobs. You just aren’t interested in trying. And that is sad.

OP has already mentally divorced her DH. And she seems fine with her DD choosing to live with her dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry. I have three high school aged kids (2 are girls) so I get the rollercoaster ride of parenting teens. Just wanted to throw one possibility out which might not relate but just in case - Do you think your daughter's desire to move was less to do with liking your husband more/not liking you as much - and more to do with her wanting a fresh start, wanting different friends or living someplace different?

I've sometimes been surprised at how self absorbed my otherwise seemingly nice kids can be and maybe her injecting her opinion/wanting to move was more of an indicator of her wanting a chance to start over again in high school?

Or, what about the possibility that the daughter is a caring person who realizes her grandparents are getting older and appreciates the fact that her father cares about them? What about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, my husband and I had a discussion about getting divorced. He wants to relocate across country to be closer to his aging parents, and I do not. We have been married twenty years, and have had this discussion about moving several times, and he knows my opinion on it. I don’t want to keep having the same argument, which is why we talked about getting divorced. We had counseling the first two times this discussion was had (over a decade ago), it wasn’t useful, and we eventually moved on and my husband wouldn’t be open to doing it again. The conclusion of the discussion was that we won’t get divorced, but it’s still something I feel very hurt by.
My teenage daughter overheard the conversation, and at the time felt the need to inject her opinion. She feels we should move. I tried to explain to her that it’s not practical for many adult reasons. I have a federal job and would be giving up my career since it would not transfer; I would have to come back to the dc area at least once a week which wouldn’t be practical; we just bought a bigger house and have a mortgage where we would lose money if we sold or rented right now and wouldn’t be able to afford the interest rate to buy a similar house if we decided to move back; their 529 plans are prepaid college plans that are tied to them living where we live right now (her and her three siblings would effectively have very little saved for college); she wouldn’t be able to graduate from highschool on time because some of her credits would not transfer; and frankly I don’t want to. I don’t even like my in laws, so the idea of leaving my home for twenty years to move to an area where I don’t know anyone. I did it right after we got married, and I was so unhappy that we moved back. Either way, I was very hurt by the fact that she felt to have an opinion on this, especially since she said she would likely move with my husband if we did get divorced and he moved.
The fight/discussion with my husband has blown over, he likely won’t bring up the idea of moving again until after 1-2 of our kids are in college (so in 3-4 years). Either way, I am just having a lot of trouble forgiving my daughter for injecting her opinion in this, when frankly she has no clue what she was talking about. I find myself doing stupid vindictive shit because I just don’t want to do things for her anymore. Like driving her around— I tell her to ask her dad when I used to take her everywhere, I don’t do her laundry even though I do everyone else’s or if I do it I won’t fold it, I’ll pack her brother a lunch for school but not her. I get really mad whenever she feels the need to comment on how I parent her younger siblings (which is annoying and inappropriate, but I used to handle in a less confrontational way). I think I don’t even like talking to her a lot of the time. She’s not particularly nice to me, but before it bothered me less.
I’m not sure how to handle this. I need to get over this but I don’t know how. I don’t want to bring up what I think I’m actually mad about, because it was several months ago at this point, and I imagine it was kind of a traumatic thing for her to overhear. Her dad and I will likely get divorced once everyone goes to college, assuming his parents haven’t passed away at that point, though honestly we may anyways even if they have. Having four kids is hard, and I don’t think either of us wants to be a single parent while they are still in elementary/middle/highschool. If/when that happens, I’m not even sure she would talk to me anymore, since she would likely want to move closer to her dad, and she’s not even particularly nice to me (and hasn’t been for years, she’s a teenager).

She actually does have a clue what she's talking about, she just disagrees with you on a question that at a minimum has two sides. Convincing yourself that she doesn't understand just seems like a way of making this into her being out of line, when actually she has every right to care about how her family supports her grandparents. She may not get a vote, but she's allowed to have an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon, ask your GP for Prozac. Call today.

Hon, that’s not how it works.

LOL NP and I actually wish it weren’t “how it works” but sadly, it is.
Years ago I went to my PCP to request a referral for a psychiatrist for my depression and PCP just blew it off and wrote a prescription.
When I eventually did go seek out a mental health professional on my own, same exact thing. Prozac must give some nice perks to the prescriber.

[Anonymous]

Why should your whole family uproot for people who are living their final years? They should move to be closer to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, my husband and I had a discussion about getting divorced. He wants to relocate across country to be closer to his aging parents, and I do not. We have been married twenty years, and have had this discussion about moving several times, and he knows my opinion on it. I don’t want to keep having the same argument, which is why we talked about getting divorced. We had counseling the first two times this discussion was had (over a decade ago), it wasn’t useful, and we eventually moved on and my husband wouldn’t be open to doing it again. The conclusion of the discussion was that we won’t get divorced, but it’s still something I feel very hurt by.
My teenage daughter overheard the conversation, and at the time felt the need to inject her opinion. She feels we should move. I tried to explain to her that it’s not practical for many adult reasons. I have a federal job and would be giving up my career since it would not transfer; I would have to come back to the dc area at least once a week which wouldn’t be practical; we just bought a bigger house and have a mortgage where we would lose money if we sold or rented right now and wouldn’t be able to afford the interest rate to buy a similar house if we decided to move back; their 529 plans are prepaid college plans that are tied to them living where we live right now (her and her three siblings would effectively have very little saved for college); she wouldn’t be able to graduate from highschool on time because some of her credits would not transfer; and frankly I don’t want to. I don’t even like my in laws, so the idea of leaving my home for twenty years to move to an area where I don’t know anyone. I did it right after we got married, and I was so unhappy that we moved back. Either way, I was very hurt by the fact that she felt to have an opinion on this, especially since she said she would likely move with my husband if we did get divorced and he moved.
The fight/discussion with my husband has blown over, he likely won’t bring up the idea of moving again until after 1-2 of our kids are in college (so in 3-4 years). Either way, I am just having a lot of trouble forgiving my daughter for injecting her opinion in this, when frankly she has no clue what she was talking about. I find myself doing stupid vindictive shit because I just don’t want to do things for her anymore. Like driving her around— I tell her to ask her dad when I used to take her everywhere, I don’t do her laundry even though I do everyone else’s or if I do it I won’t fold it, I’ll pack her brother a lunch for school but not her. I get really mad whenever she feels the need to comment on how I parent her younger siblings (which is annoying and inappropriate, but I used to handle in a less confrontational way). I think I don’t even like talking to her a lot of the time. She’s not particularly nice to me, but before it bothered me less.
I’m not sure how to handle this. I need to get over this but I don’t know how. I don’t want to bring up what I think I’m actually mad about, because it was several months ago at this point, and I imagine it was kind of a traumatic thing for her to overhear. Her dad and I will likely get divorced once everyone goes to college, assuming his parents haven’t passed away at that point, though honestly we may anyways even if they have. Having four kids is hard, and I don’t think either of us wants to be a single parent while they are still in elementary/middle/highschool. If/when that happens, I’m not even sure she would talk to me anymore, since she would likely want to move closer to her dad, and she’s not even particularly nice to me (and hasn’t been for years, she’s a teenager).

HOLY EFFING COW!! Do whatever you want, OP! You have 4 (FOUR) kids and you are a Fed WOHM. When did you ever get a break? When did your DH get a break? When did your kids get a break??

[Anonymous]

I empathize with you. I’ve made my own appalling mistakes with a teen.

I would say you need to work on your own thoughts and behavior. You can’t control anyone else’s behavior anyway, but it’s also empowering to realize your own role in things and actively work to change your own behavior.

In your shoes I would:

Start individual therapy and come clean about all this right away
Use a self-help workbook as an adjunct to therapy. Maybe the DBT workbook. Very helpful
Get a physical and see how your hormones look. HRT has helped many of us, mood wise
Confide in your healthcare provider and consider medication
Apologize sincerely to your daughter, take responsibility, continue to work on your own behavior, and ask people around you to hold you accountable

I’ll say it again: you can’t control anyone else’s behavior. But you can change your own.

One final note: don’t say it’s stressful to have four kids. Yes, having any number of kids is stressful. But presumably you chose to have four kids and you must have realized what a long-term commitment that is. I empathize with plenty of your post, but to talk about how hard things are with four kids is kind of beside the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of your reasons matter, OP. Your husband’s parents are old and not doing well and when they are gone he will resent you.

Also you know that the reasons are just excuses. And the one you tacked in to the end of the list “I just don’t want to” is the actual truth.

You had “your way” for the better part of 20 years.
Where is the give in your version on give-and-take with this marriage?

Sure, you have a fed job now. And that makes it difficult. But you can do hard things OP.
There are other jobs. You just aren’t interested in trying. And that is sad.

OP has already mentally divorced her DH. And she seems fine with her DD choosing to live with her dad.

Fatalism is often a symptom of depression.

[Anonymous]

You sound very unhappy, OP. I'm sorry about that. I agree with PPs recommending therapy.

[Anonymous]

You sound as if you have high-functioning autism. I know two families with that dynamic. The affected parent doesn't realize he (usually it's a he) has permanently alienated his spouse and kids until the kids become teens and they verbalize it to him, and the spouse sees the end of the road and makes practical plans to divorce.

You are angry because your daughter unwittingly opened your eyes to the consequences of your cumulative relationship mistakes over the course of your marriage and parenting. You are actually angry at yourself, but your conscious mind cannot accept that, so you punish your child for the truth that she expressed.

I'm not sure that therapy can help you, because by now all these emotional and social reflexes are deeply ingrained, but you can always try. What you must do immediately is stop punishing others for the consequences of your actions. Otherwise you will only accelerate the dissolution of your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Go to individual counseling because it's immature to be this mad at your daughter. P.s. I agree moving is insane. Also divorce is silly talk, move them here or he can go spend weeks at a time there BFD.

Also, I'm not a grammar nazi but I wanted to share this with you.

Inject and interject are both proper words, but they have different applications. Inject primarily means to introduce or force a substance, such as a liquid or a drug, into something. It is often used in medical contexts, where a syringe is used to inject medication into a patient’s body. On the other hand, interject means to interrupt or insert a comment or remark into a conversation or discussion. It is a way of interposing one’s thoughts or opinions into an ongoing dialogue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You sound as if you have high-functioning autism. I know two families with that dynamic. The affected parent doesn't realize he (usually it's a he) has permanently alienated his spouse and kids until the kids become teens and they verbalize it to him, and the spouse sees the end of the road and makes practical plans to divorce.

You are angry because your daughter unwittingly opened your eyes to the consequences of your cumulative relationship mistakes over the course of your marriage and parenting. You are actually angry at yourself, but your conscious mind cannot accept that, so you punish your child for the truth that she expressed.

I'm not sure that therapy can help you, because by now all these emotional and social reflexes are deeply ingrained, but you can always try. What you must do immediately is stop punishing others for the consequences of your actions. Otherwise you will only accelerate the dissolution of your relationships.

You sounds insane and stop using "autism" as a put down. WTF is wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

I am just having a lot of trouble forgiving my daughter for injecting her opinion

You sounded reasonable --- till this.
She is entitled to: An Opinoin. Want to live somewhere else because she has good reasons or is just a clueless teenager. She is entitled, under this extremely emotional and probably upsetting situation she witnessed, to perhaps lash-out. If that was at you, oh well.

You sound like you're an adult in the room -- except for emotionally when it comes to your DD. Forget this. Let this go. Hug her. Find nice things to talk about.

[Anonymous]

She has a clue what she is talking about. She lives in a dysfunctional home with a rigid mother. She may not have decision making power, but as a member of your family she has a right to express her opinion on things that deeply affect her.

You are angry because she picked a side and it wasn’t yours. She sympathizes with her father. You are transferring to her all the anger and frustration you feel due to your failing marriage.