Irrationally angry at my teen daughter and having trouble forgiving

[Anonymous]

A couple of months ago, my husband and I had a discussion about getting divorced. He wants to relocate across country to be closer to his aging parents, and I do not. We have been married twenty years, and have had this discussion about moving several times, and he knows my opinion on it. I don’t want to keep having the same argument, which is why we talked about getting divorced. We had counseling the first two times this discussion was had (over a decade ago), it wasn’t useful, and we eventually moved on and my husband wouldn’t be open to doing it again. The conclusion of the discussion was that we won’t get divorced, but it’s still something I feel very hurt by.
My teenage daughter overheard the conversation, and at the time felt the need to inject her opinion. She feels we should move. I tried to explain to her that it’s not practical for many adult reasons. I have a federal job and would be giving up my career since it would not transfer; I would have to come back to the dc area at least once a week which wouldn’t be practical; we just bought a bigger house and have a mortgage where we would lose money if we sold or rented right now and wouldn’t be able to afford the interest rate to buy a similar house if we decided to move back; their 529 plans are prepaid college plans that are tied to them living where we live right now (her and her three siblings would effectively have very little saved for college); she wouldn’t be able to graduate from highschool on time because some of her credits would not transfer; and frankly I don’t want to. I don’t even like my in laws, so the idea of leaving my home for twenty years to move to an area where I don’t know anyone. I did it right after we got married, and I was so unhappy that we moved back. Either way, I was very hurt by the fact that she felt to have an opinion on this, especially since she said she would likely move with my husband if we did get divorced and he moved.
The fight/discussion with my husband has blown over, he likely won’t bring up the idea of moving again until after 1-2 of our kids are in college (so in 3-4 years). Either way, I am just having a lot of trouble forgiving my daughter for injecting her opinion in this, when frankly she has no clue what she was talking about. I find myself doing stupid vindictive shit because I just don’t want to do things for her anymore. Like driving her around— I tell her to ask her dad when I used to take her everywhere, I don’t do her laundry even though I do everyone else’s or if I do it I won’t fold it, I’ll pack her brother a lunch for school but not her. I get really mad whenever she feels the need to comment on how I parent her younger siblings (which is annoying and inappropriate, but I used to handle in a less confrontational way). I think I don’t even like talking to her a lot of the time. She’s not particularly nice to me, but before it bothered me less.
I’m not sure how to handle this. I need to get over this but I don’t know how. I don’t want to bring up what I think I’m actually mad about, because it was several months ago at this point, and I imagine it was kind of a traumatic thing for her to overhear. Her dad and I will likely get divorced once everyone goes to college, assuming his parents haven’t passed away at that point, though honestly we may anyways even if they have. Having four kids is hard, and I don’t think either of us wants to be a single parent while they are still in elementary/middle/highschool. If/when that happens, I’m not even sure she would talk to me anymore, since she would likely want to move closer to her dad, and she’s not even particularly nice to me (and hasn’t been for years, she’s a teenager).

[Anonymous]

It’s good that you recognize how twisted and self-centered your thought process is and how your impulse to punish is completely inappropriate.

I recommend maybe using your EA program to find a therapist to speak to in order to work through these invalid feelings you have.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I am so sorry. Just empathy, no ideas. I think it's good you are aware that you are angry and hurt. I would be, too.

On a totally unrelated note, the mortage resettlement may be less $ than a divorce. BUt that's not the point.

[Anonymous]

Even though your husband won’t re-engage in therapy you need to. Also maybe spare a thought for your kids who are living in a home with parents with no desire to be together and are just staying together because neither wants to be a single parent.

[Anonymous]

You're burning down your relationship with her. Stop. She is a child who doesn't know what she doesn't know: you're supposed to be the cooler head.

Agree, therapy for you, alone not with DH.

Also, I hate the stereotype but from experience: the anger may be hormonal. Talk to your doc or therapist about counteracting that.

[Anonymous]

Hon, ask your GP for Prozac. Call today.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry. I have three high school aged kids (2 are girls) so I get the rollercoaster ride of parenting teens. Just wanted to throw one possibility out which might not relate but just in case - Do you think your daughter's desire to move was less to do with liking your husband more/not liking you as much - and more to do with her wanting a fresh start, wanting different friends or living someplace different?

I've sometimes been surprised at how self absorbed my otherwise seemingly nice kids can be and maybe her injecting her opinion/wanting to move was more of an indicator of her wanting a chance to start over again in high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hon, ask your GP for Prozac. Call today.

Hon, that’s not how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s good that you recognize how twisted and self-centered your thought process is and how your impulse to punish is completely inappropriate.

I recommend maybe using your EA program to find a therapist to speak to in order to work through these invalid feelings you have.

Agree with this and the third post. It’s good you can at least intellectually understand how wrong you are and how your behavior could destroy your relationship with your daughter. Get therapy. Please.

[Anonymous]

My husband tends to behave in a vindictive manner as well. When he's upset, he will seek to blame and punish a scapegoat: me or one of his two teens. It can get quite extreme.

As a result, my teens have long abandoned any attempt to get closer to him. They are forced to obey him, but they don't like him. I am their emotional support and the parent they would stay with if we separated.

Regarding your particular situation, my teens interject their opinions in my husband and my business all the time, because we're a rather open-book family, and I respect that they have opinions, even though sometimes their opinions can be hurtful. I actually like that they speak up, OP. I was an extremely sheltered teen and I don't want them to live in a fake bubble of safety.

However the mere fact that you are bringing up divorce, and that this is not the first time, shows how your relationship with your husband is actually very fragile. You have one kid who said she would rather live with her other parent, not you. Red flags abound. When are you going to realize that your punitive mindset has ruined, or is near to ruining, every family bond you have?

My college aged son doesn't return home to visit his father. He returns to talk to his sister and me. I have warned my husband multiple times that this would happen. Please be aware that if you continue with your punitive mindset every time you feel emotionally disturbed, your kids will not want to have a relationship with you as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon, ask your GP for Prozac. Call today.

Hon, that’s not how it works.

Reread the OP. It sure is how it works. Prozac and maybe HRT.

Or edibles.

[Anonymous]

None of your reasons matter, OP. Your husband’s parents are old and not doing well and when they are gone he will resent you.

Also you know that the reasons are just excuses. And the one you tacked in to the end of the list “I just don’t want to” is the actual truth.

You had “your way” for the better part of 20 years.
Where is the give in your version on give-and-take with this marriage?

Sure, you have a fed job now. And that makes it difficult. But you can do hard things OP.
There are other jobs. You just aren’t interested in trying. And that is sad.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say I'm sorry, OP. I'd be very hurt, too. But as others said, and you yourself recognize, she is the child and you need to rise above.

Also, sounds like she's having other issues if she's pro-moving. That's unusual for a HS student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon, ask your GP for Prozac. Call today.

Hon, that’s not how it works.

DP. It probably shouldn't be how it works, but some primary care doctors are comfortable prescribing meds like this (in my DH's case, it was Xanax).

[Anonymous]

OP, your daughter has every right to have an opinion about where the family lives. She is a human being with a brain and heart. All people should be able to express opinions without being met with anger. Doesn't mean you do what she wants, or talk about her opinions endlessly. But you need to take them seriously and ensure she knows you listened to her.

I don't know why she is making you so angry, OP. But there is something deeper than where you live going on. You are not treating her like a full human.