Irrationally angry at my teen daughter and having trouble forgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have an entire level for the in-laws, he is trying to move you all to divorce you.

Sounds like he is playing narcissist victim to get his way.

Wake up!

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment is abuse. Imagine a child coming home to a house where her MOTHER is not talking to her and hence feeling unsafe in her own house that is supposed to be her safest place on earth.
The silent treatment is a particularly insidious form of abuse because it might force the victim to reconcile with the perpetrator in an effort to end the behavior, even if the victim doesn’t know why they’re apologizing. “It’s especially controlling because it deprives both sides from weighing in,” Williams said. “One person does it to the other person, and that person can’t do anything about it.”

This.
The OP is passive aggressive, emotionally abusive and manipulative.
She can dress it up with whatever excuses that help her sleep at night and allow her to look at herself in the mirror, but the fact of the matter is that she's been treating her daughter like this for MONTHS... she makes lunch for all of the rest of her kids but not her daughter? She does all of the other kids laundry but not her daughters? That's really despicable behavior.

Rather than using her words like an actual adult (since the op seems to favor the word "adult") she'd rather passive-aggressively give her poor daughter the cold shoulder, while simultaneously doting on her other kids.
That isn't acting like an adult at all, it's acting like a mean high school girl.
No wonder her daughter doesn't like her, would you??

Does the OP think that treating her daughter like THIS will make her want to live with her, like ever?? Fat chance.

The OP should absolutely be ashamed of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment is abuse. Imagine a child coming home to a house where her MOTHER is not talking to her and hence feeling unsafe in her own house that is supposed to be her safest place on earth.
The silent treatment is a particularly insidious form of abuse because it might force the victim to reconcile with the perpetrator in an effort to end the behavior, even if the victim doesn’t know why they’re apologizing. “It’s especially controlling because it deprives both sides from weighing in,” Williams said. “One person does it to the other person, and that person can’t do anything about it.”

Shunning is the most psychologically damaging tactic you can use. Animals who experience it die from depression.

Don't tell the OP this, she'll only continue treating her daughter in this sadistic way.
I haven't read as self centered a post on here as this one in a very long time.

[Anonymous]

People are being overly mean to OP. But OP does need to do a reset:
- Recognize that she is the adult and her DD is a teen without a fully formed brain
- Apologize to DD for the silent treatment (very immature and ineffective way of dealing with anger)
- Speak calmly to DD about why you were hurt in the first place
- Hear her out without interrupting or respond point by point
- Resolve to openly communicate in the future

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment is abuse. Imagine a child coming home to a house where her MOTHER is not talking to her and hence feeling unsafe in her own house that is supposed to be her safest place on earth.
The silent treatment is a particularly insidious form of abuse because it might force the victim to reconcile with the perpetrator in an effort to end the behavior, even if the victim doesn’t know why they’re apologizing. “It’s especially controlling because it deprives both sides from weighing in,” Williams said. “One person does it to the other person, and that person can’t do anything about it.”

This.
The OP is passive aggressive, emotionally abusive and manipulative.
She can dress it up with whatever excuses that help her sleep at night and allow her to look at herself in the mirror, but the fact of the matter is that she's been treating her daughter like this for MONTHS... she makes lunch for all of the rest of her kids but not her daughter? She does all of the other kids laundry but not her daughters? That's really despicable behavior.

Rather than using her words like an actual adult (since the op seems to favor the word "adult") she'd rather passive-aggressively give her poor daughter the cold shoulder, while simultaneously doting on her other kids.
That isn't acting like an adult at all, it's acting like a mean high school girl.
No wonder her daughter doesn't like her, would you??

Does the OP think that treating her daughter like THIS will make her want to live with her, like ever?? Fat chance.

The OP should absolutely be ashamed of herself.

Absolutely spot on. I received silent treatment as a kid on occasion, and I made sure that my kids will never, ever be exposed and hopefully not do it to others. They are young adults now, and no matter the argument we had, I always said, we are a family, we talk to each other, we disagree with each other, but we never stop talking to each other.
I mean clearly when they were teens, they had their times when they would not want to talk to me for a short period, never days, more an hour or two, and I was not in any way forceful and making them talk or lecture them, but as a parent I never, ever stopped talking and shunned my child, nor will I do it ever now that they are young adults.
I apologized to my kids when I was wrong, I apologized if I did not follow up, I admitted I make mistakes.

I can't believe some pps are calling her DH a narcissist, when she is the one guilting and gaslighting dh and her dd. She can't believe that he brought it up again. She can't believe that her DD took the other side and voiced her opinion? Who does that? Abusive narcs. She dislikes her ILS, she is shunning her DD, she is threatening her Dh with divorce and telling him they will divorce once kids are adults. She should divorce him now and he should take the kids from this abusive mother where she has her golden kid, her scapegoat and her flying monkeys. Though, her post here might be the first step to realizing she has NPD traits.

All parents are flawed, all humans are flawed, but instead of making amends for her behavior OP is blaming her teen DD for something DD, in the mind of op, did to her. Not only is she not recognizing that her DD is a victim of her abuse, but she has also made DD an abuser of her. Textbook narc gaslighting. In her mind, op truly thinks she is the victim of her DD! and of her DH.

Yes, I have a strong opinion about this, and one part of me hopes OP is a troll, because otherwise my heart breaks for her dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel I should clarify a few things:
— my behavior/response isn’t honestly as bad as I made it sound. Having a big family with two working parents means that you don’t always get to do things or get as much done for you. My husbands mentality is that once they are over the age of 13, they should take responsibility and do it themselves. Your laundry is dirty and you don’t have clothes— you know where the washer is. You don’t like what they are serving for lunch at school— get up early and make yourself lunch. My daughter is 14, and I feel bad that I do things for her 12 year old brother (and her ten year old sister, and her seven year old other brother) but not her. So I do them most of the time, but technically our house rule is that she’s supposed to be doing them. My husband says I’m coddling her by doing this stuff for her. Maybe I am. Not driving her— she signed up for an activity that is at the same time as two of her other sibling’s practices, and when I have to pick up my youngest from extended day, on the day that I have to go in to the office. We told her that she could do it if she figured out a way to get there and home , and she agreed to walk there. I had been leaving work early to take her, but I stopped and told her she should follow the original plan which she agreed to. It’s more that I’m less likely to blow off mean things she says, before I used to gloss over it but now I kind of feel like I just raised a mean girl, and I worry my perception of her is based on the fact that she sided with her dad on this thing that I was really hurt by.
— I really can’t get a job where his parents live. I’ve tried for several years. Moving would mean giving up by career (which I have a PhD, I worked really hard for apparently no reason), and getting a job teaching. Which wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it would be a huge pay cut and I’m not sure if we could keep our current standard of living.
— Every vacation I have taken for the past twenty years has been to visit his parents. In contrast we haven’t seen my parents since before covid. I went and visited them a few weekends each year, but the kids haven’t spent substantial time with them in a long time. My daughter says she doesn’t like to visit them because she doesn’t know them. We built a house for his parents to come live with us less than two years ago. They come for maybe a day or two every other month. The only time I’ve ever complained about visiting them has been times when my husband had wanted to pull the kids out of school early. His parents are too busy traveling and with their hobbies to really come see us much.
— my husband I never fight. Like literally ever. I don’t think I am as in love with him, just because I’ve had to force myself to think about what life would be like if he decided to randomly move. That used to be a really foreign concept. Now I feel more and more like it’s likely which is hard to imagine. I think that’s why my daughter felt the need to talk to both of us about what she overheard, it was very out of character and when I said I wouldn’t move, she said that she would stay here and that I needed to convince my husband to stay too.
— I think I am hormonal. I get very depressed these days and it makes me sad to watch movies where people are in love and happily married. Which is sad.

Look, you and your husband decided to have a bonkers crazy life with two jobs and four kids. It’s not your daughter’s fault.

This. Np and I am so sick of hearing 'well with 4 kids' (from you and various people in real life). You made that choice. The only people who have navigated that well in my experience are people with a ton of grandparent logistical support or just loads of money. You don't seem to have either.

[Anonymous]

I would never get mad at my child for voicing her opinion. She overheard your conversation for goodness sakes. You better get over these ill feelings towards your daughter because it's not nice nor is it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being vindictive and emotionally abusive to your child. All because she had an opinion on what happens in her life?

You are going to massacre your relationship with her if you continue on this way. Yeah having 4 kids is hard, that isnt HER fault! You need therapy asap.

You make me gag. Stop the screaming.

Gag on then. You sound as abusive as OP.

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter has a right to an opinion. And it sucks that it doesn't line up with how you feel but she is still entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find it absolutely crazy that OP is the one who has dictated where her family has lived for the past 20 years and SHE’s the one who is mad because her husband has the NERVE to revisit the issue every few years? How DARE he question her??’

They collectively built their futures around this decision!! They invested in regional 529s and built a house to accommodate his family visiting!

Team OP ALL THE WAY

+ 1 million.

OP, fix your behavior toward your kid. But DO NOT MOVE.

[Anonymous]

Who knows maybe dad is horrible too. But, OP thinks she is a victim of her own DD while punishing child for having an opinion.

[Anonymous]

I hope you’ve gotten over your mood & forgiven your daughter. She’s human, she thought she could share her opinion & move on. She’s a child & clearly didn’t think, and that’s ok. I kept reading your post thinking I was going to find some extreme, unforgivable, ‘lost her moral compass’ mistake she made, but an opinion..that’s it?! Your negative thoughts toward your husband and family in general are making you bitter. Yes, parenting is hard, but it was an opinion from a child. This could’ve been an opportunity to explain to her that you made a decision a long time ago that clearly caused you some pain/trauma & for those reasons, the decision making would not be taken lightly & maybe she would’ve learned something from you & felt connected to you as a human being & not ‘just a mom.’ Maybe, you could’ve asked her why she wanted to move so bad..Children crave connection. Instead, you’re pushing her away with fake punishment. Lifting you all up. Life is hard, but there’s always room for Jesus & growth.

[Anonymous]

I kept forgetting this was in 2023..sorry for the present & past tense time. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

She is worried you will get divorced. She wants you to stay together and see moving as the way to make this happen. I doubt she can articulate this or much else. She's a kid and doesn't understand any of your reasons or what they really mean.

I suspect you are also angry that she doesn't side with you. She won't. She wants her dad and she wants her family together.

Please get some perspective. You're angry at him.

[Anonymous]

Haven't seen the other comments but my opinion is this. Your daughter only has a few more years with you until she leaves home and teens say a lot of stuff they don't mean especially out of anger or frustration. Be the parent here and just show her love. Think about what kind of relationship you want with her five, ten years from now. If you can't get over the anger, then you need to see a therapist