Irrationally angry at my teen daughter and having trouble forgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, my husband and I had a discussion about getting divorced. He wants to relocate across country to be closer to his aging parents, and I do not. We have been married twenty years, and have had this discussion about moving several times, and he knows my opinion on it. I don’t want to keep having the same argument, which is why we talked about getting divorced. We had counseling the first two times this discussion was had (over a decade ago), it wasn’t useful, and we eventually moved on and my husband wouldn’t be open to doing it again. The conclusion of the discussion was that we won’t get divorced, but it’s still something I feel very hurt by.
My teenage daughter overheard the conversation, and at the time felt the need to inject her opinion. She feels we should move. I tried to explain to her that it’s not practical for many adult reasons. I have a federal job and would be giving up my career since it would not transfer; I would have to come back to the dc area at least once a week which wouldn’t be practical; we just bought a bigger house and have a mortgage where we would lose money if we sold or rented right now and wouldn’t be able to afford the interest rate to buy a similar house if we decided to move back; their 529 plans are prepaid college plans that are tied to them living where we live right now (her and her three siblings would effectively have very little saved for college); she wouldn’t be able to graduate from highschool on time because some of her credits would not transfer; and frankly I don’t want to. I don’t even like my in laws, so the idea of leaving my home for twenty years to move to an area where I don’t know anyone. I did it right after we got married, and I was so unhappy that we moved back. Either way, I was very hurt by the fact that she felt to have an opinion on this, especially since she said she would likely move with my husband if we did get divorced and he moved.
The fight/discussion with my husband has blown over, he likely won’t bring up the idea of moving again until after 1-2 of our kids are in college (so in 3-4 years). Either way, I am just having a lot of trouble forgiving my daughter for injecting her opinion in this, when frankly she has no clue what she was talking about. I find myself doing stupid vindictive shit because I just don’t want to do things for her anymore. Like driving her around— I tell her to ask her dad when I used to take her everywhere, I don’t do her laundry even though I do everyone else’s or if I do it I won’t fold it, I’ll pack her brother a lunch for school but not her. I get really mad whenever she feels the need to comment on how I parent her younger siblings (which is annoying and inappropriate, but I used to handle in a less confrontational way). I think I don’t even like talking to her a lot of the time. She’s not particularly nice to me, but before it bothered me less.
I’m not sure how to handle this. I need to get over this but I don’t know how. I don’t want to bring up what I think I’m actually mad about, because it was several months ago at this point, and I imagine it was kind of a traumatic thing for her to overhear. Her dad and I will likely get divorced once everyone goes to college, assuming his parents haven’t passed away at that point, though honestly we may anyways even if they have. Having four kids is hard, and I don’t think either of us wants to be a single parent while they are still in elementary/middle/highschool. If/when that happens, I’m not even sure she would talk to me anymore, since she would likely want to move closer to her dad, and she’s not even particularly nice to me (and hasn’t been for years, she’s a teenager).

You need help. Your vindictiveness is particularly cruel and will have a lasting impact on your daughter. Clearly it already has.

My mother did this to be growing up and after years of therapy, I realized her singling me out or excluding me was part of her narcissistic parenting.

You should be deeply ashamed of what you’ve done so far and work to fix what you can.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm glad I'm not married to you and that you're not my mom. What team are you on? Team you and only you. No wonder your family is ready to leave you!

[Anonymous]

I realize this is an old thread but my take is that OP seems to be the only person in the family who actually wants to live in DC. You can’t keep everyone hostage there because you like your job. That’s very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel I should clarify a few things:
— my behavior/response isn’t honestly as bad as I made it sound. Having a big family with two working parents means that you don’t always get to do things or get as much done for you. My husbands mentality is that once they are over the age of 13, they should take responsibility and do it themselves. Your laundry is dirty and you don’t have clothes— you know where the washer is. You don’t like what they are serving for lunch at school— get up early and make yourself lunch. My daughter is 14, and I feel bad that I do things for her 12 year old brother (and her ten year old sister, and her seven year old other brother) but not her. So I do them most of the time, but technically our house rule is that she’s supposed to be doing them. My husband says I’m coddling her by doing this stuff for her. Maybe I am. Not driving her— she signed up for an activity that is at the same time as two of her other sibling’s practices, and when I have to pick up my youngest from extended day, on the day that I have to go in to the office. We told her that she could do it if she figured out a way to get there and home , and she agreed to walk there. I had been leaving work early to take her, but I stopped and told her she should follow the original plan which she agreed to. It’s more that I’m less likely to blow off mean things she says, before I used to gloss over it but now I kind of feel like I just raised a mean girl, and I worry my perception of her is based on the fact that she sided with her dad on this thing that I was really hurt by.
— I really can’t get a job where his parents live. I’ve tried for several years. Moving would mean giving up by career (which I have a PhD, I worked really hard for apparently no reason), and getting a job teaching. Which wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it would be a huge pay cut and I’m not sure if we could keep our current standard of living.
— Every vacation I have taken for the past twenty years has been to visit his parents. In contrast we haven’t seen my parents since before covid. I went and visited them a few weekends each year, but the kids haven’t spent substantial time with them in a long time. My daughter says she doesn’t like to visit them because she doesn’t know them. We built a house for his parents to come live with us less than two years ago. They come for maybe a day or two every other month. The only time I’ve ever complained about visiting them has been times when my husband had wanted to pull the kids out of school early. His parents are too busy traveling and with their hobbies to really come see us much.
— my husband I never fight. Like literally ever. I don’t think I am as in love with him, just because I’ve had to force myself to think about what life would be like if he decided to randomly move. That used to be a really foreign concept. Now I feel more and more like it’s likely which is hard to imagine. I think that’s why my daughter felt the need to talk to both of us about what she overheard, it was very out of character and when I said I wouldn’t move, she said that she would stay here and that I needed to convince my husband to stay too.
— I think I am hormonal. I get very depressed these days and it makes me sad to watch movies where people are in love and happily married. Which is sad.

OP keep digging yourself deeper. Get help.

Also, as someone who left DC after 20 years very reluctantly I now regret being so focused my career there. While it’s incredibly rewarding it’s a bubble and once you’re out you realize there’s plenty of other opportunities, may with less or more pay, not fewer demands and a more relaxed lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

OP is an abusive parent to her child and justifies it because… she’s a teen now? I wonder what happened. Hopefully her children are ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is an abusive parent to her child and justifies it because… she’s a teen now? I wonder what happened. Hopefully her children are ok.

Exactly! This is 100% abuse. My heart goes out to her daughter and her other kids who are caught in the middle of their mothers favoritism and scapegoating.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a you problem. You are taking out your feelings on your teenage daughter and need to stop immediately. You’re associating her with the frustration of the situation and it’s unfair to everyone. She is not to blame and doesn’t deserve this.

If you don’t want to move, fine. You can choose to separate and remain in DC or just have a long-distance marriage with your husband relocating. There are always options even if they’re not ideal. But you’re punishing a 14 yo and that’s cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband tends to behave in a vindictive manner as well. When he's upset, he will seek to blame and punish a scapegoat: me or one of his two teens. It can get quite extreme.

As a result, my teens have long abandoned any attempt to get closer to him. They are forced to obey him, but they don't like him. I am their emotional support and the parent they would stay with if we separated.

Regarding your particular situation, my teens interject their opinions in my husband and my business all the time, because we're a rather open-book family, and I respect that they have opinions, even though sometimes their opinions can be hurtful. I actually like that they speak up, OP. I was an extremely sheltered teen and I don't want them to live in a fake bubble of safety.

However the mere fact that you are bringing up divorce, and that this is not the first time, shows how your relationship with your husband is actually very fragile. You have one kid who said she would rather live with her other parent, not you. Red flags abound. When are you going to realize that your punitive mindset has ruined, or is near to ruining, every family bond you have?

My college aged son doesn't return home to visit his father. He returns to talk to his sister and me. I have warned my husband multiple times that this would happen. Please be aware that if you continue with your punitive mindset every time you feel emotionally disturbed, your kids will not want to have a relationship with you as adults.

This a million times.

My parents are still married and I speak with my dad on the phone about once a year for less than 5 min. My mom can be very vindictive and spiteful like you. The words, "I'll teach you/them a lesson" ring in my ear. The only lesson I learned is that she's mean vindictive and spiteful. I do have a very distant relationship with her. We visit once or twice a year for never more than 2 or 3 days. I can handle her on the phone in small doses, so we do talk on the phone. When we visit I only make small talk with my dad.

OP, you reap what you sow. Just remember that. I think my mom is completely ignorant as to why we are not closer. Every few years she asks why I don't come for Christmas and I have to tell her I don't like the way I'm treated and the family I grew up in is dysfunctional. I have to put my and my family's that I created health and happiness first.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is having more than two kids in the first place. 4 KIDS means that this marriage was emotionally depleted for years. There is nothing left to save. You will continue to endure because of finances.

Also, your kids are damaged by all of this. The only thing I feel bad is that in this kind of situations parents raise traumatized children and they will go and wreck havoc on their own families in the future.