Husband told me he hates me and mocked me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have said anything while he was venting and let it blow over. Asking him to stop wasn't helpful.

so.. it's the woman's fault that he emotionally/mentally abused her?

Of course. Who else could it possibly be?

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get your ducks in row to leave if you don't have kids. Do not risk any chance of pregnancy with him. You don't have kids, right, OP? And you work?

[Anonymous]

He's probably having an affair.

Contempt is one of the 4 horsemen of divorce. The clock is ticking, better copy financial records and get a lawyer, OP.

Once you are out, therapy to figure out why you picked this guy and normalized this so you still wanted to get lunch.

Do you have any kids? Please say no...

[Anonymous]

You two are both idiots. Deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Your post reminded me of the "four horsemen of the Apocalypse of marriage" from the Gottman Institute: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Especially contempt: "Most importantly, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated."

"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship."

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have said anything while he was venting and let it blow over. Asking him to stop wasn't helpful.

so.. it's the woman's fault that he emotionally/mentally abused her?

Of course. Who else could it possibly be?

of course.. it's always the woman's fault when a man abuses her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce

ASAP

This. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I have severe anxiety and before I was in treatment I would react like this (occasionally, and not as extreme as this DH sounds- but I would be mean in an unhelpful way). Now I am in therapy and it doesn’t happen anymore, I’ve worked (hard) on coping mechanisms.

But if your DH doesn’t see a problem, you can’t fix it.

[Anonymous]

Not ok, not normal. Try to get out and leave him to be someone else's problem.
I hate when the sickos try to be in a relationship and get married hiding their sick part. It all comes out at one point.

[Anonymous]

Run. Who has time for this?

[Anonymous]

This is just so, so not OK. It really isn't, OP. Please consider leaving and start taking steps toward it.

Like, OK, he doesn't like you. Why he's married to someone he doesn't like, IDK, but unless you kidnapped him and forced him into marriage, then he is there of his own free will. But most human beings have decency, and they would not treat someone so horribly, no matter how strongly they disliked them. For him to treat his own wife this way means he is really, well, toxic. Truly, truly toxic. I'm sure he has a lot of baggage and shame and hardly any ability to self-regulate, but none of that means you put up with abuse. I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I concur with everyone. This is unacceptable behavior. He will not change. I really hope you two don't have children yet, and that you're financially stable enough to divorce.

Seriously. It's not OK to live with someone like this. He probably has a mental illness, but this does not excuse his behavior, and in the end, whether it's beyond his control or not, the consequences are the same for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have severe anxiety and before I was in treatment I would react like this (occasionally, and not as extreme as this DH sounds- but I would be mean in an unhelpful way). Now I am in therapy and it doesn’t happen anymore, I’ve worked (hard) on coping mechanisms.

But if your DH doesn’t see a problem, you can’t fix it.

This post above is perceptive--and useful. OP, re-read it. Then look at your own post. You say this one incident is an example of a normal day in your marriage. Don't focus on the one incident (I know, easy to say but hard to do, but you need big picture focus now).

Focus on this: If this is normal for you -- and it is absolutely not normal in any remotely healthy relationship -- is it possible that, like the PP above, your DH has a much, much deeper issue?

Sit down solo, write out a list of what seems to trigger these things, events, times of day, how long this has been going on, etc. If this is a change and he didn't used to turn on you and act this way, then realize that a change is a huge red flag for things like anxiety, depression (which in men often comes out as anger, OP!), etc. In other words, this may not be about him or about you or about the marriage; it may be about his having a condition that manifests in behaviors like these. That is NOT an excuse for his behavior, but it may be an explanation, OP. Sit and really think it through and then I'd make an appointment for him to see his doctor for an overall health screening and I'd tell him that it needs to include depression/anxiety screening as well, and that you have already made an appointment with a marriage therapist. Stat. If he continues, or refuses, tell him you are going to consider separating.

I really hope you don't have kids. If you do, I'd move even faster to separate physically while deciding if he is ill and would agree to treatment or not.

[Anonymous]

So sorry this happened to you OP.

Was this an isolated issue or does stuff like this happen on a regular basis??

[Anonymous]

OP's self-esteem must be in tatters to put up with this. What happened in her life to make her think she deserved to be treated like dirt? People treat their dogs better than OP's husband treats her.