My DH’s Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be describing the relationship between my brother and our mom. It's a very tricky dynamic that's a lifetime in the making. Brother is fine and patient with everyone else, but is easily triggered by mom, who's hyper-critical and controlling. I tolerate her behavior better but grit my teeth sometimes. I see his responses to her as immature, but I blame her for the unhealthy dynamic b/c she's instigator and he's always reacting to her.

I don't think there's much anyone else could do if the parties involved don't want to seek therapy. Maybe get your H books on grayrock?

Your brother’s relationship with your mom sounds closest to what I have seen. I do feel for my MIL but to the other posters points, I absolutely know she created this mess.

He and I have been married for 25 years now and i met him when we were in our 20’s. His tolerance with her has dropped over the years. I would love for him to get back to where he was 20 years ago - mostly for his own peace of mind. I have stayed out of their relationship for most of our time together but have been wondering lately if there is anything I should be doing.

To be clear, I am on team DH all the way. I don’t really like my MIL and I can totally see why she triggers him - she is passive aggressive with me but I just let it slide. I do wonder if it would be better for DH if he can get there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH gets so angry at his mother. He cannot offer her grace for small things. She is critical, nags, and is blind to her faults. But I truly don’t think she deserves his scorn. He was cared for as a child and while he wanted to get out, I think their relationship further declined when he got out of college. She is not my favorite person in the world but I would like to help them get to a better place if I can.

She is lonely and wishes she had a better relationship I think. But she doesn’t know how not to offer unsolicited advice which just starts him down a bad path. Any ideas for anything I can do? Or do I just let it be? I do take the kids to hang out with her and while they roll their eyes at her, they roll their eyes at me too.

We see her every week to make sure things are going ok. So he hasn’t cut off contact. Just a very poor relationship.

My thing is why do this? Either be "in" and work on it or be out completely (or nearly completely). Why choose the worse of both options? He's clearly miserable. So is she.

I think I'd have a conversation with him about the above and ask him "WTF do you want out of this?" and let's find a way to either end it or make it better.

And I say this as someone who endured a TRULY toxic and abusive relationship with one parent. And really struggles with resentment about the other one and has worked ro find the medium that works for me to be able to have a relationship.

You’ve given me something to think about here. Thank you. I think it’s a sense of family obligation and guilt that keeps him in her life but that isn’t enough for either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have that sort of mother, OP, and you must understand the CUMULATIVE effect of years of criticism and nagging. It's extremely damaging, particularly when it shapes your entire childhood. I have a deep fear of being criticized by everyone (boss, friends, spouse, etc) because of my childhood and I am socially anxious as a result.

The consequence is that when my mother utters the least little bit of negativity, it triggers a reaction in me, because of all the stuff she's said and done before. So a neutral observer would be surprised that I get upset over a small perceived slight, but in reality it just took me back to a lifetime of critique and nagging.

What you can do is help your husband distance himself and mature into someone who can occasionally even laugh at the silliness of his mother. It's taken me until my late 30s/early 40s to get there, OP! And I only reached that point after moving to a different continent in my late teens, and seeing my mother, at best, once a year! That way, I miss her, she misses me, and when we get together, the first days are happy and critique-free. By the end of the first week, it all goes downhill, because she can't help herself. Usually she only stays for 10 days - 2 weeks because of this. She does this to my husband and my children as well, so at least in my family, we are united in our "careful handling" of my mother.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, it’s the cumulative effect from a time when he was totally dependent on her (and his dad) that has got us to where we are. No doubt about it. My own parents are “normal annoying” so it is a totally different dynamic. I can be more patient with them because they didn’t fail me when I was helpless.

I think I am going to suggest that he consults a therapist who can help him think things through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be describing the relationship between my brother and our mom. It's a very tricky dynamic that's a lifetime in the making. Brother is fine and patient with everyone else, but is easily triggered by mom, who's hyper-critical and controlling. I tolerate her behavior better but grit my teeth sometimes. I see his responses to her as immature, but I blame her for the unhealthy dynamic b/c she's instigator and he's always reacting to her.

I don't think there's much anyone else could do if the parties involved don't want to seek therapy. Maybe get your H books on grayrock?

Your brother’s relationship with your mom sounds closest to what I have seen. I do feel for my MIL but to the other posters points, I absolutely know she created this mess.

He and I have been married for 25 years now and i met him when we were in our 20’s. His tolerance with her has dropped over the years. I would love for him to get back to where he was 20 years ago - mostly for his own peace of mind. I have stayed out of their relationship for most of our time together but have been wondering lately if there is anything I should be doing.

To be clear, I am on team DH all the way. I don’t really like my MIL and I can totally see why she triggers him - she is passive aggressive with me but I just let it slide. I do wonder if it would be better for DH if he can get there too.

Look you have to remember you are seeing this relationship now. You have not had to deal with the MIL as a child to adult. It is easier for you to not be triggered by his mom. He had no power as child. Now he is grown, has kids of his own(assuming) and does not like her. He is allowed to not like her and not want to be around her.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH's Mom your MIL?