My DH’s Mom

[Anonymous]

My DH gets so angry at his mother. He cannot offer her grace for small things. She is critical, nags, and is blind to her faults. But I truly don’t think she deserves his scorn. He was cared for as a child and while he wanted to get out, I think their relationship further declined when he got out of college. She is not my favorite person in the world but I would like to help them get to a better place if I can.

She is lonely and wishes she had a better relationship I think. But she doesn’t know how not to offer unsolicited advice which just starts him down a bad path. Any ideas for anything I can do? Or do I just let it be? I do take the kids to hang out with her and while they roll their eyes at her, they roll their eyes at me too.

We see her every week to make sure things are going ok. So he hasn’t cut off contact. Just a very poor relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH gets so angry at his mother. He cannot offer her grace for small things. She is critical, nags, and is blind to her faults. But I truly don’t think she deserves his scorn. He was cared for as a child and while he wanted to get out, I think their relationship further declined when he got out of college. She is not my favorite person in the world but I would like to help them get to a better place if I can.

She is lonely and wishes she had a better relationship I think. But she doesn’t know how not to offer unsolicited advice which just starts him down a bad path. Any ideas for anything I can do? Or do I just let it be? I do take the kids to hang out with her and while they roll their eyes at her, they roll their eyes at me too.

We see her every week to make sure things are going ok. So he hasn’t cut off contact. Just a very poor relationship.

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As someone with a toxic mom I would hate it if my spouse meddled into my relationship. You have no idea how bad it could have been. So yes myob

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound like a toxic mom. Your DH sounds like a bonehead.

[Anonymous]

You need to support him. My mom was toxic (she got therapy after my dad died and wow, she's a whole different person). Dh helped me handle her better so I was at a point I could set boundaries with her. If his mom is lonely, she should take a good hard look at herself to see how her behavior is contributing to it.

I also wouldn't bring my kids around a toxic person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't sound like a toxic mom. Your DH sounds like a bonehead.

Why should her DH put up with someone who is critical and nags?

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it and be on your husband's team. He has a history with her you don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't sound like a toxic mom. Your DH sounds like a bonehead.

" she is critical and nags" lovely qualities! Op will send her right over to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't sound like a toxic mom. Your DH sounds like a bonehead.

" she is critical and nags" lovely qualities! Op will send her right over to you!

Trust me. You are no better.

[Anonymous]

You weren't there and may not fully understand the impact she had on your husband.

It is honestly bizarre that of the person you're married to and his mother, your sympathy is with his mother in this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you could be describing the relationship between my brother and our mom. It's a very tricky dynamic that's a lifetime in the making. Brother is fine and patient with everyone else, but is easily triggered by mom, who's hyper-critical and controlling. I tolerate her behavior better but grit my teeth sometimes. I see his responses to her as immature, but I blame her for the unhealthy dynamic b/c she's instigator and he's always reacting to her.

I don't think there's much anyone else could do if the parties involved don't want to seek therapy. Maybe get your H books on grayrock?

[Anonymous]

I have that sort of mother, OP, and you must understand the CUMULATIVE effect of years of criticism and nagging. It's extremely damaging, particularly when it shapes your entire childhood. I have a deep fear of being criticized by everyone (boss, friends, spouse, etc) because of my childhood and I am socially anxious as a result.

The consequence is that when my mother utters the least little bit of negativity, it triggers a reaction in me, because of all the stuff she's said and done before. So a neutral observer would be surprised that I get upset over a small perceived slight, but in reality it just took me back to a lifetime of critique and nagging.

What you can do is help your husband distance himself and mature into someone who can occasionally even laugh at the silliness of his mother. It's taken me until my late 30s/early 40s to get there, OP! And I only reached that point after moving to a different continent in my late teens, and seeing my mother, at best, once a year! That way, I miss her, she misses me, and when we get together, the first days are happy and critique-free. By the end of the first week, it all goes downhill, because she can't help herself. Usually she only stays for 10 days - 2 weeks because of this. She does this to my husband and my children as well, so at least in my family, we are united in our "careful handling" of my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it and be on your husband's team. He has a history with her you don't understand.

This.

OP, the thing in your OP that bothers me is that you summarize his experience with her growing up and in young adulthood in very general terms and conclude his attitude is unfair. I went through this with a boyfriend I had before I met my current husband. My BF met my parents and was like "they seem totally normal and fine, I don't understand why you have such a difficult relationship -- it seems like you are overreacting." But my parents used to hit me and scream at me when I was a child. My mom would make fun of me when I cried (as a child). My dad would ignore me for weeks at a time. They were abusive and neglectful. But yeah, they now act "normal and fine" and have chosen to selectively forget a lot of the stuff they did when my siblings and I were kids because on some level they now realize they were totally in over their head and were really awful, but can't admit it to themselves.

One of the reasons my DH and I work is that after a few times of meeting my parents, my DH said "you know at first I didn't understand your relationship with your parents, but I'm starting to get it. your mom seems really nice but like 99% of everything she says is a half truth, and your dad doesn't even remember what your profession is, which is really weird when you think about it." He saw past the "nice and normal" to what was underneath it, and he did so with empathy towards me.

I would start by assuming your DH has ever reason to feel the way he does about his mom. Just accept it as totally valid. Then proceed from that position. I actually find it much easier to be polite to my parents knowing that when they leave, I can tell my DH how angry I am at them and he will back me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be describing the relationship between my brother and our mom. It's a very tricky dynamic that's a lifetime in the making. Brother is fine and patient with everyone else, but is easily triggered by mom, who's hyper-critical and controlling. I tolerate her behavior better but grit my teeth sometimes. I see his responses to her as immature, but I blame her for the unhealthy dynamic b/c she's instigator and he's always reacting to her.

I don't think there's much anyone else could do if the parties involved don't want to seek therapy. Maybe get your H books on grayrock?

This is my dh and his mom. Dh has some very deep anger around his mom. With her, he’s still an angry resentful child wanting her to be someone she’s not. I think for people with difficult parents you have to grieve for the childhood you didn’t get and reach a place where you accept it for what it was. My dh isn’t there, he’s still very angry. And his mom is extremely difficult. I’m pretty sure she has a personality disorder.

Anytime I’ve interfered, I’ve ended up regretting it. They have to work out their relationship. I support dh in whatever he wants to do, but that’s the extent of my involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it and be on your husband's team. He has a history with her you don't understand.

I agree with PP. You can understand a lot about a family being married into it for several years… but not everything. There is history there you can’t understand because you weren’t a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH gets so angry at his mother. He cannot offer her grace for small things. She is critical, nags, and is blind to her faults. But I truly don’t think she deserves his scorn. He was cared for as a child and while he wanted to get out, I think their relationship further declined when he got out of college. She is not my favorite person in the world but I would like to help them get to a better place if I can.

She is lonely and wishes she had a better relationship I think. But she doesn’t know how not to offer unsolicited advice which just starts him down a bad path. Any ideas for anything I can do? Or do I just let it be? I do take the kids to hang out with her and while they roll their eyes at her, they roll their eyes at me too.

We see her every week to make sure things are going ok. So he hasn’t cut off contact. Just a very poor relationship.

My thing is why do this? Either be "in" and work on it or be out completely (or nearly completely). Why choose the worse of both options? He's clearly miserable. So is she.

I think I'd have a conversation with him about the above and ask him "WTF do you want out of this?" and let's find a way to either end it or make it better.

And I say this as someone who endured a TRULY toxic and abusive relationship with one parent. And really struggles with resentment about the other one and has worked ro find the medium that works for me to be able to have a relationship.