DH broke no contact with my mom

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in therapy? You really need to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Oh please. He is an idiot.

I do wonder if in his stress with a family emergency his brain just short circuited. From here on out, your mom's number should be blocked

This.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know anything about the mother situation, but doing stims while he is out of town does not seem like a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Oh please. He is an idiot.

I do wonder if in his stress with a family emergency his brain just short circuited. From here on out, your mom's number should be blocked

Definitely. He's under a lot of stress. His grandmother died two weeks ago. He knew it was a long time coming. And he's been down visiting with his entire family. They all rallied around his grandfather. I couldn't make it because I was advised my my Dr not to travel right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

+1. Boundaries are for you, not for other people.

You don’t seem well—being “terrified” she shows up is a totally disproportionate reaction based on the information you’ve given, and you’re looking for a reason to take your tenuous grasp of emotional regulation out on DH too. Anyone can always restart no contact after a slip up (it happens to the best of us), but for some reason you want this whole affair to be a huge cosmic drama with you at the center.

Looks like OP’s abuser found this thread.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you are upset.

I'm not sure why you are worried about being home alone and your mother finding out. You lock all the doors and if your mother shows up unannounced, you do not open the door or let her in. You need a peephole or a window by the door so you can see outside. If it's her, you talk through the door or through a window. If it is a townhome or a SFH, you can go to the second floor and open the window and tell her to leave. You do not allow her to come in and you do not allow her to talk to you. If she will not leave, then explain that you will be calling 911 and tell them that there is a trespasser trying to break into your house. If this is an apartment or condo, then explain that through the door without opening.

[Anonymous]

I don't think people understand how something they deem as inconsequential as a "visit" can plunge someone (who has experienced trauma from this person) right back into that mindset. You posters are so cruel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand how something they deem as inconsequential as a "visit" can plunge someone (who has experienced trauma from this person) right back into that mindset. You posters are so cruel

I’d be upset too, thinking the mother and a user have power over her - they know where she is and her own husband broke the no contact situation. Mother may be wondering if there are problems in the marriage (which I don’t but the mother doesn’t know husband was under stress and slipped), another thing for her to make OP feel bad about. Hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Oh please. He is an idiot.

I do wonder if in his stress with a family emergency his brain just short circuited. From here on out, your mom's number should be blocked

Definitely. He's under a lot of stress. His grandmother died two weeks ago. He knew it was a long time coming. And he's been down visiting with his entire family. They all rallied around his grandfather. I couldn't make it because I was advised my my Dr not to travel right now.

Why are you both defending him and complaining he broke the no contact? So what, he slipped up? Start the no contact day count all over again and move on. Your mom has always known where you lived she could come by at any time unless you move and don't give her the address.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband you are booking into a hotel room for the remainder of the time he will be away.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel like we got an explanation why he responded OP. What did he say happened?

It's very easy to not respond to a text.

What he said happened would matter a lot to me in how I felt about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Oh please. He is an idiot.

I do wonder if in his stress with a family emergency his brain just short circuited. From here on out, your mom's number should be blocked

THIS, OP, this. Can you take one step back from your emotion for a second and see that possibly he responded unthinkingly and regretted it the instant he realized he'd hit "send"? Yes, "unthinking" is not good, but he's in another state from you, he knows you're stressed, he's surely stressed about the IVF and being on travel rather than with you, etc. Some here are saying he's out of state for a family emergency -- is that the case, OP? If so, you should give him a LOT more grace about one single mess-up. If not? Still give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if he was distracted by work or whatever has him on travel when he'd rather be with you.

It's not a good sign that your immediate, unthinking (yes, that again) reaction is to act as if this was some intentional betrayal he planned out in advance or whatever. Of course you're angry and rightly so, and his reply was dumb, but do you really want to expend energy on raging at him instead of saying, "That was a dumb slip, but you get one dumb slip, now block her number entirely so it won't happen again" --? That's all you can actually DO about it at this point; you can't undo it and neither can he, much as he might wish he could.

If you feel genuinely unsafe right now, tonight, as if your mom will show up at your doorstep in person, take action. Go to a hotel or a friend's house instead of spending energy venting here.

If you default this quickly to anger at him, instead of anger followed by some grace for a mistake he's never made before -- it seems like a possible sign you need to do some work in therapy re: your mom and the abuse--before you have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand how something they deem as inconsequential as a "visit" can plunge someone (who has experienced trauma from this person) right back into that mindset. You posters are so cruel

There is no "visit" yet. OP is going through anticipatory fear in a big way. It's understandable but she's lashing out at her DH out of all proportion to his actions.

Don't lose sight of the fact the post is about the DH responding to a text, not about mom on the doorstep. OP needs to go somewhere else if she thinks that mom is going to come to her house. No, it is not "cruel" to point out to the OP that she may be displacing some of her intense (and completely justified) lifelong anger at mom onto her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are upset.

I'm not sure why you are worried about being home alone and your mother finding out. You lock all the doors and if your mother shows up unannounced, you do not open the door or let her in. You need a peephole or a window by the door so you can see outside. If it's her, you talk through the door or through a window. If it is a townhome or a SFH, you can go to the second floor and open the window and tell her to leave. You do not allow her to come in and you do not allow her to talk to you. If she will not leave, then explain that you will be calling 911 and tell them that there is a trespasser trying to break into your house. If this is an apartment or condo, then explain that through the door without opening.

Nope, you lock the doors, turn off the downstairs lights and go to your bedroom to watch TV or read. You do not, do not, do not engage the person by talking through a window or picking up the phone if they call, or anything at all. This is true not just in OP's situation (IF it happens) but for anyone who does not want contact. You either leave entirely and go to a hotel or you lock up tight, make it look as if you're not home, and never engage verbally like PP suggests. If you're afraid of actual harm, call the cops if you want -- though in most places they won't be able to do anything, unless you have an actual restraining order you can say is being violated by the person at your doorstep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Oh please. He is an idiot.

I do wonder if in his stress with a family emergency his brain just short circuited. From here on out, your mom's number should be blocked

Definitely. He's under a lot of stress. His grandmother died two weeks ago. He knew it was a long time coming. And he's been down visiting with his entire family. They all rallied around his grandfather. I couldn't make it because I was advised my my Dr not to travel right now.

I hope that you re-read your own post above, OP, and have some forgiveness for your DH. Death in the family (even an anticipated one) plus being away from you? He's likely distracted. Not an excuse but certainly it's an explanation. Give him some benefit of the doubt. You love him enough to want to have a child with him; can you also exercise some forgiveness and understanding?