DH broke no contact with my mom

[Anonymous]

We've been no contact with my mom since last November. Lifelong history of abuse in every way shape and form. Finally cut her off from all contact last year. She is aware of what she's done, even if she's denial. She knows the only way we will entertain a conversation with her is if she takes accountability and stops seeing/asking us to see a man who sexually abused me for years.

She texted DH today and he responded. I feel crushed. Not only did he respond, she asked if I was with him (out of state) and he told her I was home (essentially alone). Now not only am I devastated and so sad he couldn't respect this boundary that I've worked so hard to put in place now I'm terrified she shows up unannounced because she knows I'm here alone.

This is all on top of me doing stims for an IVF cycle this week. DH left for a family emergency the day I started stims. He hasn't be here for this part and it sucks. I already feel alone. So this just feels extra shitty and completely let down

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry your DH caved and talked to your mom. Sounds like he's under a little stress, too. You are home alone and he can't be there to support you.

Best of luck with the IVF cycle!

[Anonymous]

He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I can see why you are upset. He should have sent you a screenshot of the text and said, "What do you want me to respond, if anything?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Oh please. He is an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Wrong. She has every right to her privacy from abusers. He should have never told them she was alone. That is frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry your DH caved and talked to your mom. Sounds like he's under a little stress, too. You are home alone and he can't be there to support you.

Best of luck with the IVF cycle!

Thanks. Hoping for the best.

He usually asks or tells me if she texted and he doesn't respond. They aren't close he never had a separate relationship with her. We were supposed to be a united front on this boundary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

Oh please. He is an idiot.

I do wonder if in his stress with a family emergency his brain just short circuited. From here on out, your mom's number should be blocked

[Anonymous]

I am sorry it happened. Please understand that for a person not familiar with the psychology of victims of sexual abuse this all sounds overly dramatic. You need to have him block your mother’s number on his phone if you don’t want things like this happening. He can’t be attuned to every nuance of your relationship with your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

I don't agree with this. If DH asked me to not be friends with someone because they hurt him or even if it was trivial if it mattered enough to him I'd go along with it because that's my partner and it matters to him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry your DH caved and talked to your mom. Sounds like he's under a little stress, too. You are home alone and he can't be there to support you.

Best of luck with the IVF cycle!

Thanks. Hoping for the best.

He usually asks or tells me if she texted and he doesn't respond. They aren't close he never had a separate relationship with her. We were supposed to be a united front on this boundary

Why did he suddenly f*ck this up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry it happened. Please understand that for a person not familiar with the psychology of victims of sexual abuse this all sounds overly dramatic. You need to have him block your mother’s number on his phone if you don’t want things like this happening. He can’t be attuned to every nuance of your relationship with your mother.

I agree on blocking her. After 10 years of marriage and knowing who she is - I think he'd be attuned. The no contact isn't recent. November will be a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s his own person and a separate human being. You want to cut off contact with someone, great. But don’t tell him what to do.

+1. Boundaries are for you, not for other people.

You don’t seem well—being “terrified” she shows up is a totally disproportionate reaction based on the information you’ve given, and you’re looking for a reason to take your tenuous grasp of emotional regulation out on DH too. Anyone can always restart no contact after a slip up (it happens to the best of us), but for some reason you want this whole affair to be a huge cosmic drama with you at the center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry your DH caved and talked to your mom. Sounds like he's under a little stress, too. You are home alone and he can't be there to support you.

Best of luck with the IVF cycle!

Thanks. Hoping for the best.

He usually asks or tells me if she texted and he doesn't respond. They aren't close he never had a separate relationship with her. We were supposed to be a united front on this boundary

Why did he suddenly f*ck this up?

He's going through a family emergency and dealing with stuff at home as well. To me, it's understandable that he made a mistake in responding. I don't understand why mom isn't blocked though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry your DH caved and talked to your mom. Sounds like he's under a little stress, too. You are home alone and he can't be there to support you.

Best of luck with the IVF cycle!

Thanks. Hoping for the best.

He usually asks or tells me if she texted and he doesn't respond. They aren't close he never had a separate relationship with her. We were supposed to be a united front on this boundary

Why did he suddenly f*ck this up?

He's going through a family emergency and dealing with stuff at home as well. To me, it's understandable that he made a mistake in responding. I don't understand why mom isn't blocked though

+1

If you truly feel unsafe find a solution to not be home. But don’t flip out at him while he’s under his own crisis.