Reply to How to parent hard child

Forum Index » Elementary School-Aged Kids

Reply to "How to parent hard child "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I have a child like this as well, and I know what you mean about how hard it can be to stay calm when they are losing it.

For me a major motivator is reminding myself constantly that the more often she sees me respond to her big feelings calmly, the more likely it will be that she will be able to respond to her own emotions that way. Here is my approach. It's one step at a time -- it's hard so I really need to take it one thing at a time:

1. I practice radical acceptance of her emotions. She feels how she feels. I never try to talk her out of feelings, even really unpleasant ones like hating me or her dad, feeling so angry "I could hit someone", etc. I just accept them. When I can, I tell her it's okay to feel that way and that I'm glad she feels comfortable telling me how she feels.

2. Then I set certain boundaries. Mine are: absolutely no hitting or physical violence, no name calling or bad language, no slamming doors or breaking things. If she does any of these things, I will say firmly "I cannot let you do that, I'm going to step away until you are ready to talk to me without [hitting me/calling me names/using those hurtful words"]. And then I do. Even if it means she rages in her room. If she tries to slam doors or throw or break things, I physically intervene and just say "I cannot let you do that." Sometimes I will suggest she take it out on a pillow or blanket instead. Calm, always calm. If I can't be calm, I leave the room until I can be.

3. Then I offer love and comfort. Depending on the size and severity of the meltdown, I will ask "Would you like a hug?" or "Would a hug help?" Or I might simply say "When you are ready for comfort or a hug, I am here," and then leave her alone. It's important to set boundaries before this because it needs to be clear first that you aren't going to accept abuse -- you aren't a punching bag. But if physical contact or just being near you would help, I always offer these things. They are a healthy way to regulate emotions. Sometimes she accepts this offer immediately, sometimes it can be an hour before she's ready. But I make sure she knows I'm available for comfort. Even if I'm really frustrated with her. I've given her calming hugs where in my head I've just been thinking what a jerk she's being and how much I don't feel like giving her a hug. But ultimately I want her to move past the rage to love faster, so I always offer.

4. Then we repair. If I have something to apologize for, I do. So if I lost my cool and yelled, or was dismissive of her feelings, or ignored her efforts to get my help or attention before she blew up, I will apologize and let her know that I will try to do better in the future. I give her an opportunity to apologize, but I don't make her apologize (forced apologies are meaningless). If she did or said something very hurtful to me, I will tell her "I really didn't like being called that name. It hurt my feelings and being talked to that way really challenges my ability to stay calm." I know they say you have to be careful not to blame your kid for your feelings, but I believe this is the exception -- if your kid is doing things that would be hurtful to anyone they did them to, you can let them know it hurt you. They need to learn they can't just take things out on people and expect them to accept it. I will also discuss matter-of-factly if I feel there were choices made that escalated the situation, and how I'd like us to make a different choice next time. So for instance, if being hungry or over-tired was a factor, I will suggest that we make sure to eat meals and not stay up late to avoid those triggers.

I am not a perfect parent by any means, and I don't always stay perfectly calm. But having this roadmap for DD's meltdowns helps me stay a lot calmer than I would otherwise. I also sometimes have to go somewhere by myself and just scream into a pillow.[/quote]

+1 Excellent advice![/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics