How long did it take to get over /feel somewhat normal after spouse’s affair?

[Anonymous]

Over 7 years now and I’m not over it. And I think we will finally divorce bc if it. I have read on this forum about spouses who have made great efforts to repair - my DH did not. So please consider that a major factor. Address it head on, both of you, as fully as you can. Or else it will continue to chip away at your marriage.

[Anonymous]

You will never forgive and never forget unfortunately. I tried very hard but nothing was anywhere in the same universe of “normal” and it ate away at my confidence, nerves, self esteem. I was always worrying if he was late or didn’t answer a call or had a biz trip that he was cheating. We did divorce in the end because he cheated a few more times.

[Anonymous]

I left and I’ll never be the person I was before I learned about it. It changed me forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left and I’ll never be the person I was before I learned about it. It changed me forever.

Me too. Changed me forever in so many ways I could have never imagined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never.

You live on the brink, essentially. You catch your cheater spouse in a white lie, you're immediately back to that dark D-Day place. Because if they're lying about whether or not they picked up the dry cleaning, what else are they lying about? Doesn't matter how much work they've allegedly done on themselves, you can't relax.

Right. You never know what is true and what isn’t. Also, there was a lot of “I don’t know, I can’t remember” when it came to answering questions about how/why certain things happened. It’s hard to believe someone can’t remember such emotional things, so I always feel that he is deliberately not telling me things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dear friend made a conscious decision to move beyond the pain and come out the other side. She is trying to enjoy life despite it and is surprisingly succeeding with her DH making major life changes. He was terrified and ashamed and now she says they appreciate what was almost lost. She’s amazing and has always seen life more in shades than me. Her DH doesn’t deserve her. I hate him now.

Continue to support her. And if she could forgive him, you should try to do the same for her benefit. A lot of people keep this stuff to themselves because they know family or friends would never be able to forgive…and that makes life difficult for the betrayed if they have moved on and the spouse has done the work and is truly remorseful.

However, if he was always an @-hole that you never liked from the start- that’s different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never.

You live on the brink, essentially. You catch your cheater spouse in a white lie, you're immediately back to that dark D-Day place. Because if they're lying about whether or not they picked up the dry cleaning, what else are they lying about? Doesn't matter how much work they've allegedly done on themselves, you can't relax.

Right. You never know what is true and what isn’t. Also, there was a lot of “I don’t know, I can’t remember” when it came to answering questions about how/why certain things happened. It’s hard to believe someone can’t remember such emotional things, so I always feel that he is deliberately not telling me things.

I am not saying your husband doesn’t remember, he well may and is trying to squirm out of uncomfortable conversations - but do consider the possibility that he does not remember. Men are very good at compartmentalizing and are unlikely to have attached much emotional weight to their clandestine meetings. If you want to talk to someone who absolutely does remember in technicolor detail, you would have to speak with his AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dear friend made a conscious decision to move beyond the pain and come out the other side. She is trying to enjoy life despite it and is surprisingly succeeding with her DH making major life changes. He was terrified and ashamed and now she says they appreciate what was almost lost. She’s amazing and has always seen life more in shades than me. Her DH doesn’t deserve her. I hate him now.

You are your “dear friend,” and you will never get over it. Nor should you. Someone who had any respect for you wouldn’t have a long term affair, but he did, and you pretend to look past it because he pretends to have made major internal changes and pretends to laud you as amazing. Much like you pretend here that he was “terrified” about what he almost “lost.” Hard to lose a lump that’s scared of leaving.

[Anonymous]

Until death. I am waiting for their death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dear friend made a conscious decision to move beyond the pain and come out the other side. She is trying to enjoy life despite it and is surprisingly succeeding with her DH making major life changes. He was terrified and ashamed and now she says they appreciate what was almost lost. She’s amazing and has always seen life more in shades than me. Her DH doesn’t deserve her. I hate him now.

Continue to support her. And if she could forgive him, you should try to do the same for her benefit. A lot of people keep this stuff to themselves because they know family or friends would never be able to forgive…and that makes life difficult for the betrayed if they have moved on and the spouse has done the work and is truly remorseful.

However, if he was always an @-hole that you never liked from the start- that’s different.

I did like him. He doesn’t know I know so I have to act normal. I continue to support whatever she wants and did not tell my own DH. All I can do is listen but this is one of those times it is not easy being a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dear friend made a conscious decision to move beyond the pain and come out the other side. She is trying to enjoy life despite it and is surprisingly succeeding with her DH making major life changes. He was terrified and ashamed and now she says they appreciate what was almost lost. She’s amazing and has always seen life more in shades than me. Her DH doesn’t deserve her. I hate him now.

You are your “dear friend,” and you will never get over it. Nor should you. Someone who had any respect for you wouldn’t have a long term affair, but he did, and you pretend to look past it because he pretends to have made major internal changes and pretends to laud you as amazing. Much like you pretend here that he was “terrified” about what he almost “lost.” Hard to lose a lump that’s scared of leaving.

Um..ok. Sorry you must be dealing with something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until death. I am waiting for their death.

Focus on you to help yourself get to a better place in YOUR life. it’s not fair but bitterness will consume you and they won’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over 7 years now and I’m not over it. And I think we will finally divorce bc if it. I have read on this forum about spouses who have made great efforts to repair - my DH did not. So please consider that a major factor. Address it head on, both of you, as fully as you can. Or else it will continue to chip away at your marriage.

Ugh this is me too, only we're in the very early stages of reconciliation. I'm scared that this will be our outcome, too. Right now it feels like I'm doing almost all the work. I'm sorry, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over 7 years now and I’m not over it. And I think we will finally divorce bc if it. I have read on this forum about spouses who have made great efforts to repair - my DH did not. So please consider that a major factor. Address it head on, both of you, as fully as you can. Or else it will continue to chip away at your marriage.

Ugh this is me too, only we're in the very early stages of reconciliation. I'm scared that this will be our outcome, too. Right now it feels like I'm doing almost all the work. I'm sorry, PP.

If you are still in the early stages and feel like you are doing all the work, this is over. Mine pretended to be sorry maybe 3 months and then acted like I needed to just get over it. I left after a year, don’t stick around for this guy who clearly doesn’t care. You are better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over 7 years now and I’m not over it. And I think we will finally divorce bc if it. I have read on this forum about spouses who have made great efforts to repair - my DH did not. So please consider that a major factor. Address it head on, both of you, as fully as you can. Or else it will continue to chip away at your marriage.

Ugh this is me too, only we're in the very early stages of reconciliation. I'm scared that this will be our outcome, too. Right now it feels like I'm doing almost all the work. I'm sorry, PP.

If you are still in the early stages and feel like you are doing all the work, this is over. Mine pretended to be sorry maybe 3 months and then acted like I needed to just get over it. I left after a year, don’t stick around for this guy who clearly doesn’t care. You are better than that.

Same timeline for me. He acted super remorseful and loving for a few months, then back to “normal.” Especially infuriating as I was in my first trimester of pregnancy when I found out, and I found myself in this constantly churning flood of emotions (on top of the pregnancy emotions!) and he just didn’t have the capacity/caring to at least pretend. In hindsight I am still so angry for how flippant he was.