How long did it take to get over /feel somewhat normal after spouse’s affair?

[Anonymous]

My husband's affair was 8 or 9 years ago now, and honestly I have no idea when I felt better enough to be somewhat normal because it's not a linear thing, it's two steps forward and one step back, over and over. But the thing is, so is life. You are living your life today, with no guarantee of tomorrow, and if there's not enough good in your marriage to stay today, then it's time for some real contemplation.

FWIW my husband's progress, for lack of a better word, was slow to start, and then slow and steady. I am wary when I hear people say their spouse was immediately remorseful and super duper committed to reconciliation immediately because in my experience humans don't gain new skills overnight. So I would be worried that that's just a show, just a means to an end. A cheater needs to confront their shame and if they were super adept at confronting hard things, they probably wouldn't have had an affair, right? It took my husband months to get into therapy but once he did, he didn't stop. He's grown a lot and continues to grow, and I try to do the same. And because I'm a long-term thinker and have a lot of strength and patience, I was able to stay with the reasonable hope that things/he would continue to improve. None of us has a crystal ball; all we can do is look objectively at our situation and make the best decision for today.

Hang in there, OP. You are still you, living your life, and I hope you have some peace and joy in the midst of the storm you're in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's affair was 8 or 9 years ago now, and honestly I have no idea when I felt better enough to be somewhat normal because it's not a linear thing, it's two steps forward and one step back, over and over. But the thing is, so is life. You are living your life today, with no guarantee of tomorrow, and if there's not enough good in your marriage to stay today, then it's time for some real contemplation.

FWIW my husband's progress, for lack of a better word, was slow to start, and then slow and steady. I am wary when I hear people say their spouse was immediately remorseful and super duper committed to reconciliation immediately because in my experience humans don't gain new skills overnight. So I would be worried that that's just a show, just a means to an end. A cheater needs to confront their shame and if they were super adept at confronting hard things, they probably wouldn't have had an affair, right? It took my husband months to get into therapy but once he did, he didn't stop. He's grown a lot and continues to grow, and I try to do the same. And because I'm a long-term thinker and have a lot of strength and patience, I was able to stay with the reasonable hope that things/he would continue to improve. None of us has a crystal ball; all we can do is look objectively at our situation and make the best decision for today.

Hang in there, OP. You are still you, living your life, and I hope you have some peace and joy in the midst of the storm you're in.

You waited MONTHS for him to get into therapy??!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH put in a lot of work, and I don’t think he’s cheating. I’m still a mess 4 years later. Mostly scarred by my DH choosing to be with so many other women. I’ve lost my self esteem and don’t feel pretty anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

Gosh this is so sad. I’m sorry. I hope you can love yourself again.

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling I feel like it’s up to me to keep the family together and finding it hard to figure out what I actually want, and can live with.

The piece I keep coming back to is how can I stay with someone that could do this to me (I have several past traumas) just seems unbelievable. I’m 7 months from knowing. Affair was about 9 months

[Anonymous]

There is really no bounce back and it gnaws at you. Your DH can do “all the work” and still at the end of the day, the bottom line is he cheated, put your physical and mental health at risk, and put time, energy, emotion, money, and his d-ck into someone else to the detriment of you and your family. It may feel better some days but most days even years and years later you will continue to always wonder what he is doing or where he was or when he will do it again. And sadly, most of them do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's affair was 8 or 9 years ago now, and honestly I have no idea when I felt better enough to be somewhat normal because it's not a linear thing, it's two steps forward and one step back, over and over. But the thing is, so is life. You are living your life today, with no guarantee of tomorrow, and if there's not enough good in your marriage to stay today, then it's time for some real contemplation.

FWIW my husband's progress, for lack of a better word, was slow to start, and then slow and steady. I am wary when I hear people say their spouse was immediately remorseful and super duper committed to reconciliation immediately because in my experience humans don't gain new skills overnight. So I would be worried that that's just a show, just a means to an end. A cheater needs to confront their shame and if they were super adept at confronting hard things, they probably wouldn't have had an affair, right? It took my husband months to get into therapy but once he did, he didn't stop. He's grown a lot and continues to grow, and I try to do the same. And because I'm a long-term thinker and have a lot of strength and patience, I was able to stay with the reasonable hope that things/he would continue to improve. None of us has a crystal ball; all we can do is look objectively at our situation and make the best decision for today.

Hang in there, OP. You are still you, living your life, and I hope you have some peace and joy in the midst of the storm you're in.

I'm 21:57 and this is really helpful to read and I've been telling myself some of the things you put in this response (partially to self-soothe, admittedly, but also because it does make sense to me). It's hard to read about husbands who immediately went above and beyond to reassure and compensate for the hurt, went no contact, blah blah blah. But I know if that happened here, I would be so wary. I think it would feel forced and unnatural. Progress is going slowly for us, and that definitely hurts for a myriad of reasons, but I guess there is some amount honesty in that as well, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's affair was 8 or 9 years ago now, and honestly I have no idea when I felt better enough to be somewhat normal because it's not a linear thing, it's two steps forward and one step back, over and over. But the thing is, so is life. You are living your life today, with no guarantee of tomorrow, and if there's not enough good in your marriage to stay today, then it's time for some real contemplation.

FWIW my husband's progress, for lack of a better word, was slow to start, and then slow and steady. I am wary when I hear people say their spouse was immediately remorseful and super duper committed to reconciliation immediately because in my experience humans don't gain new skills overnight. So I would be worried that that's just a show, just a means to an end. A cheater needs to confront their shame and if they were super adept at confronting hard things, they probably wouldn't have had an affair, right? It took my husband months to get into therapy but once he did, he didn't stop. He's grown a lot and continues to grow, and I try to do the same. And because I'm a long-term thinker and have a lot of strength and patience, I was able to stay with the reasonable hope that things/he would continue to improve. None of us has a crystal ball; all we can do is look objectively at our situation and make the best decision for today.

Hang in there, OP. You are still you, living your life, and I hope you have some peace and joy in the midst of the storm you're in.

I'm 21:57 and this is really helpful to read and I've been telling myself some of the things you put in this response (partially to self-soothe, admittedly, but also because it does make sense to me). It's hard to read about husbands who immediately went above and beyond to reassure and compensate for the hurt, went no contact, blah blah blah. But I know if that happened here, I would be so wary. I think it would feel forced and unnatural. Progress is going slowly for us, and that definitely hurts for a myriad of reasons, but I guess there is some amount honesty in that as well, if that makes sense.

You're replying to me. I feel you, PP. One thing I did was ask my sister and my best friend if I was being crazy to stay, if they thought he was an irredeemable nincompoop or I was putting up with too much. So that was a touchstone for me, to know that people looking in thought our chances seemed OK. Another thing I did was kind of give him marks for empathy. I remember thinking he was 2 out of 10 after DDay, and then he worked up to a 4, and so on. So if I could see progress then I felt like I could continue to stay because the costs of divorce and the potential pay-off of a successful reconciliation were both high. So maybe you can get some outside perspective from people who know both of you.

And while it took him a while to find an IC, we did go to MC straight away. The MC was NOT a fan of my DH, lol. That was a good reality check for him too because here was an objective person who was like, I'm sorry, you're saying WHAT. It helped to reset reality because he had to go from put-upon martyr to inexcusable cheater in his mind. Having a few close friends and family (but by no means all) know helped with that too.

[Anonymous]

I pretended to be 'ok' for a year, but then we separated and divorced. I just couldn't ever fully relax or trust him again and that came through in my behaviors.