What’s it like being married to a medical doctor (MD)?

[Anonymous]

Mother worked in a hospital in a moderate level administrative position. Was 1) shocked at how much never discovered/covered-up malpractice went on

More to the point here: 2) thought many doctors had a God complex and were trained in med school to think this to give them the confidence to make constant decisions with whatever information they had on hand. She thought some could leave the god complex at the hospital door but many could not and were therefore iffy marital material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved to a wealthy town in the south. The doctors' network is bizarre.

The cheating is rampant, and they have very traditional, weird relationships with their wives. The wives are typically far less educated (think, college degree - but from directional U in communications), and aren't typically best friends with their husbands. The wives have totally separate lives with a lot of other wealthy sahms, and when you meet them at a social event, the women are socialize in one group, and the men in another. The men would never make friends directly (or honestly, even waste their time talking to) with someone from the opposite gender.

One of my close friends is a doctor (in a fairly low stress specialty on a PT basis) and is married to a cardiologist. Her DH cheated on her, is a narcissist and his highs and lows dictate the emotional stability of the entire household. Like, when he's going through a 'bad' patch where the world isn't sucking up to him enough, his mood dramatically impacts the whole house for months - they are walking on eggshells. And vice versa, when he's good, they all come out more from their shells. They have teen daughters, and those girls are so kind and sweet but they are f-d. They think their dad walks on water, but he treats them and their mother horribly - and it's almost certain they're going to seek out men just like him. DH was out for lunch with them all a few months ago, and some random woman came up and was like "your dad saved my life! He's a god! You have the most amazing dad in the world!" and my husband was horrified with the messaging to those poor girls.

Sounds like you’re around Florida docs married to trophy wives? I assume similar can be found in California and Scottsdale. On the East Coast, I see younger docs married to college sweethearts and normal-looking striver peers; other MDs they met in medical school, lawyers, and MBAs.

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends on the generation we’re talking about. Boomer and older Gen X MDs didn’t come up the same way millennial MDs came up. Older doctors seem pretty normal, while younger doctors had to be ruthless strivers to claw their way medical school, residency, and fellowships. I would safely assume younger docs are far more susceptible to extreme personality dysfunctions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on the generation we’re talking about. Boomer and older Gen X MDs didn’t come up the same way millennial MDs came up. Older doctors seem pretty normal, while younger doctors had to be ruthless strivers to claw their way medical school, residency, and fellowships. I would safely assume younger docs are far more susceptible to extreme personality dysfunctions.

Please tell us more about how younger MDs had to be ruthless strivers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously on paper an MD is a serious catch. Educated, fairly high to very high income (surgeons), community status and professional network. Any noteworthy looming issues or are MD wives generally a very satisfied cohort?

One of my former coworkers was in a prestigious surgery fellowship. His wife had supported him throughout medical school and residency and raising their 3 children. He got a PA pregnant, dumped his wife and she got to enjoy the high salary and SAHM lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mother worked in a hospital in a moderate level administrative position. Was 1) shocked at how much never discovered/covered-up malpractice went on

More to the point here: 2) thought many doctors had a God complex and were trained in med school to think this to give them the confidence to make constant decisions with whatever information they had on hand. She thought some could leave the god complex at the hospital door but many could not and were therefore iffy marital material.

Your mother as an administrator without a medical education was probably not in a position to judge what was malpractice, sounds like she had a lot of biases and opinions that may or may not have been accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on the generation we’re talking about. Boomer and older Gen X MDs didn’t come up the same way millennial MDs came up. Older doctors seem pretty normal, while younger doctors had to be ruthless strivers to claw their way medical school, residency, and fellowships. I would safely assume younger docs are far more susceptible to extreme personality dysfunctions.

Please tell us more about how younger MDs had to be ruthless strivers?

Is this sarcasm? Are you truly unaware of how hyper-competitive pre-med programs, U.S. medical school admissions, residencies and fellowships are? Super elbowy ruthless strivers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously on paper an MD is a serious catch. Educated, fairly high to very high income (surgeons), community status and professional network. Any noteworthy looming issues or are MD wives generally a very satisfied cohort?

One of my former coworkers was in a prestigious surgery fellowship. His wife had supported him throughout medical school and residency and raising their 3 children. He got a PA pregnant, dumped his wife and she got to enjoy the high salary and SAHM lifestyle.

I don’t think one anomaly is some broad pattern. My first boss out of college was a married 40-something multi-millionaire financier and knocked up his 25 year old assistant. I don’t run around condemning all rich men in that industry.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s like most prestigious professions- people tend to be very extreme. The people are either amazing, kind, etc., or complete and total jerks. As a lawyer I feel this way about other lawyers. They either dazzle me or make me want to leave the room.

[Anonymous]

My good friend is married to a surgeon. He's the most self-centered man I've ever met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on the generation we’re talking about. Boomer and older Gen X MDs didn’t come up the same way millennial MDs came up. Older doctors seem pretty normal, while younger doctors had to be ruthless strivers to claw their way medical school, residency, and fellowships. I would safely assume younger docs are far more susceptible to extreme personality dysfunctions.

Please tell us more about how younger MDs had to be ruthless strivers?

Is this sarcasm? Are you truly unaware of how hyper-competitive pre-med programs, U.S. medical school admissions, residencies and fellowships are? Super elbowy ruthless strivers.

Not how I would describe my classmates in med school, residency, and fellowship but okay.

[Anonymous]

I have found that being a doctor’s wife is harder than being a doctor. I wrote this 10 years ago and emailed it to myself. I’m not sure if I posted it on a message board or not:


DH and I are both physicians. We met in med school and had our children during our second and fourth years of residency. I have been working off and on PT since I finished residency a year ago.
Anyway, I just feel like I am going to lose it sometimes. DH's job takes so much out of him that everything at home is on me all of the time, and I don't get any credit for it. DH just finished residency this year. We moved, he started a new job immediately, and I started just last week. He also took his boards last week. So, all of the finding a house, getting a loan, packing, moving, unpacking, childcare, housekeeping, cooking, etc. is on me. I chose to potty train our three year old right after we moved because I was home FT and he is starting preschool soon. DH encourages me to hire help if I need it, but it isn't that I need help with the childcare, I just don't want to be doing everything alone all of the time. We did move to my mom's hometown (my mom moved away when she was 18, so I didn't grow up here), so I have some family around, but I have no good friends, and no one I can talk to about frustrations at home unless I want to hear people gossiping about my husband and children.

I was looking online the other day, and I found an article written in the 1980's that physician wives were more likely to commit suicide than the average person, and even more likely than physicians themselves. I could only find an abstract and not the entire paper. In addition, there was no follow-up in the last thirty years on the suicide rate of physician spouses (or at least none that I could find), although there are numerous studies on the suicide rates of physicians. Somehow that just epitomized my frustration. No one is wondering or thinking about the cost of suicide in physician spouses. No one cares. Honestly, I couldn't even find anything about suicide and stay at home mothers. If you google "Stay at home mom and suicide" you get a bunch of resources for stay at home moms on how to look for signs of depression or suicidal thoughts in their children and spouses, the effect of mother working or not on suicide rates of their children, and a couple of people blogging or asking questions. There is nothing with an objective concern for depression and anxiety in stay at home mothers. It is like the mothers themselves are invisible forces on others lives. Like a mother is more like gravity than like a human being. I can't find another profession like that. Even if you type in "therapist" or "psychologist" or "florist," there is at least something talking about the treaters themselves, and not just recommendations to care for others.
It isn't that I want to start working FT. Nothing changes when I work FT as far as my responsibilities at home, and honestly, I can't handle it. I still feel the same stress about being a physician wife with the added stress of being a physician on top of it. I have no idea why some of it doesn't seem to transfer to my husband (well, I have some ideas, but this is already too long), but it just doesn't.
Sigh. I don't know what I am looking for here. I guess I just needed to vent or share. I am not suicidal. lol...being pregnant and primary caregiver for two young children are great protective factors.
I am blessed, and if you look at my life, there is nothing that I really want for, and a lot that people would envy. I just feel like I am teetering on the edge sometimes. ughh...I am not sure how much longer I can keep playing "next month will be better."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found that being a doctor’s wife is harder than being a doctor. I wrote this 10 years ago and emailed it to myself. I’m not sure if I posted it on a message board or not:


DH and I are both physicians. We met in med school and had our children during our second and fourth years of residency. I have been working off and on PT since I finished residency a year ago.
Anyway, I just feel like I am going to lose it sometimes. DH's job takes so much out of him that everything at home is on me all of the time, and I don't get any credit for it. DH just finished residency this year. We moved, he started a new job immediately, and I started just last week. He also took his boards last week. So, all of the finding a house, getting a loan, packing, moving, unpacking, childcare, housekeeping, cooking, etc. is on me. I chose to potty train our three year old right after we moved because I was home FT and he is starting preschool soon. DH encourages me to hire help if I need it, but it isn't that I need help with the childcare, I just don't want to be doing everything alone all of the time. We did move to my mom's hometown (my mom moved away when she was 18, so I didn't grow up here), so I have some family around, but I have no good friends, and no one I can talk to about frustrations at home unless I want to hear people gossiping about my husband and children.

I was looking online the other day, and I found an article written in the 1980's that physician wives were more likely to commit suicide than the average person, and even more likely than physicians themselves. I could only find an abstract and not the entire paper. In addition, there was no follow-up in the last thirty years on the suicide rate of physician spouses (or at least none that I could find), although there are numerous studies on the suicide rates of physicians. Somehow that just epitomized my frustration. No one is wondering or thinking about the cost of suicide in physician spouses. No one cares. Honestly, I couldn't even find anything about suicide and stay at home mothers. If you google "Stay at home mom and suicide" you get a bunch of resources for stay at home moms on how to look for signs of depression or suicidal thoughts in their children and spouses, the effect of mother working or not on suicide rates of their children, and a couple of people blogging or asking questions. There is nothing with an objective concern for depression and anxiety in stay at home mothers. It is like the mothers themselves are invisible forces on others lives. Like a mother is more like gravity than like a human being. I can't find another profession like that. Even if you type in "therapist" or "psychologist" or "florist," there is at least something talking about the treaters themselves, and not just recommendations to care for others.
It isn't that I want to start working FT. Nothing changes when I work FT as far as my responsibilities at home, and honestly, I can't handle it. I still feel the same stress about being a physician wife with the added stress of being a physician on top of it. I have no idea why some of it doesn't seem to transfer to my husband (well, I have some ideas, but this is already too long), but it just doesn't.
Sigh. I don't know what I am looking for here. I guess I just needed to vent or share. I am not suicidal. lol...being pregnant and primary caregiver for two young children are great protective factors.
I am blessed, and if you look at my life, there is nothing that I really want for, and a lot that people would envy. I just feel like I am teetering on the edge sometimes. ughh...I am not sure how much longer I can keep playing "next month will be better."

I’m sorry that you are going through all that, pp. It does sound very lonely and hard. It is ok to feel bad about your problems even when you are “privileged.” Acknowledging problems is the first step in solving them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved to a wealthy town in the south. The doctors' network is bizarre.

The cheating is rampant, and they have very traditional, weird relationships with their wives. The wives are typically far less educated (think, college degree - but from directional U in communications), and aren't typically best friends with their husbands. The wives have totally separate lives with a lot of other wealthy sahms, and when you meet them at a social event, the women are socialize in one group, and the men in another. The men would never make friends directly (or honestly, even waste their time talking to) with someone from the opposite gender.

One of my close friends is a doctor (in a fairly low stress specialty on a PT basis) and is married to a cardiologist. Her DH cheated on her, is a narcissist and his highs and lows dictate the emotional stability of the entire household. Like, when he's going through a 'bad' patch where the world isn't sucking up to him enough, his mood dramatically impacts the whole house for months - they are walking on eggshells. And vice versa, when he's good, they all come out more from their shells. They have teen daughters, and those girls are so kind and sweet but they are f-d. They think their dad walks on water, but he treats them and their mother horribly - and it's almost certain they're going to seek out men just like him. DH was out for lunch with them all a few months ago, and some random woman came up and was like "your dad saved my life! He's a god! You have the most amazing dad in the world!" and my husband was horrified with the messaging to those poor girls.

I am from the South and to me the male-female social dynamic you describe is a southern thing, not a doctor thing.

[Anonymous]

This thread feels ridiculous. People are different. Doctors are different. Different types of doctors have different demands. I think the issue is more around stressful, high hour careers and not being a Dr specifically.