Not really happy with marriage counselor

[Anonymous]

My marriage counselor, who was quoted in the Washingtonian, told me and my long- time spouse, “This marriage is dead” followed by “who is going to move out?” I was shocked. 2 years later— he was correct!

He knew something from someone! Go figure.

OP: Start doing what YOU WANT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage counselor, who was quoted in the Washingtonian, told me and my long- time spouse, “This marriage is dead” followed by “who is going to move out?” I was shocked. 2 years later— he was correct!

He knew something from someone! Go figure.

OP: Start doing what YOU WANT

How long did it take for your counselor to reach this conclusion? Like how many sessions?

I believe that if a counselor told me this after talking to both me and my spouse for an extensive period, I would be outta here faster than a bat out of hell. I am hoping to repair the marriage primarily for the sake of my children, and because DH and I work together relatively well and have built a fairly nice life. We are also actively having sex a lot, because for a long time we had a dead bedroom (I was the partner who wanted sex).

So the counselor initially seemed really positive and said “everything is fixable!” But to me everything is not “fixable.” I find her positivity almost a little off putting. I just find her off putting I guess. In many ways my love for him is gone. And he has always said he wanted to have a “fresh start” and then returned to the exact dynamic. She loved his language and uses the term “fresh start,” now with therapy! I guess I sort of hated that she did that when I told her how much I hated all the fake “fresh starts” in our marriage. We may just be two people who don’t connect. But she’s not posting about how much she hates clients on Instagram or something ridiculous, it’s just bugging me. I will give it one more chance and see how I feel next week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage counselor, who was quoted in the Washingtonian, told me and my long- time spouse, “This marriage is dead” followed by “who is going to move out?” I was shocked. 2 years later— he was correct!

He knew something from someone! Go figure.

OP: Start doing what YOU WANT

How long did it take for your counselor to reach this conclusion? Like how many sessions?

I believe that if a counselor told me this after talking to both me and my spouse for an extensive period, I would be outta here faster than a bat out of hell. I am hoping to repair the marriage primarily for the sake of my children, and because DH and I work together relatively well and have built a fairly nice life. We are also actively having sex a lot, because for a long time we had a dead bedroom (I was the partner who wanted sex).

So the counselor initially seemed really positive and said “everything is fixable!” But to me everything is not “fixable.” I find her positivity almost a little off putting. I just find her off putting I guess. In many ways my love for him is gone. And he has always said he wanted to have a “fresh start” and then returned to the exact dynamic. She loved his language and uses the term “fresh start,” now with therapy! I guess I sort of hated that she did that when I told her how much I hated all the fake “fresh starts” in our marriage. We may just be two people who don’t connect. But she’s not posting about how much she hates clients on Instagram or something ridiculous, it’s just bugging me. I will give it one more chance and see how I feel next week.

This doesn’t sound like a counselor issue per se. It sounds like you need to put yourself in dialogue with this so your resistance to things working out or changing significantly can be fully voiced. You need to do that to get to the next stage. You need to fully express all your reservations and doubts. I would start out by saying the thing about everything being fixable. Really list the reasons why you feel it’s not for you. Ask her if she’s seen people come back from that, and how.

Honestly if you’re not open to counseling and to a different perspective, why are you going? You sound either depressed and/or very ambivalent.

[Anonymous]

OP there are a lot of bad marriage counselors out there, SOOOO many bad ones. Pretty sure it's NOT YOU it's THEM. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage counselor, who was quoted in the Washingtonian, told me and my long- time spouse, “This marriage is dead” followed by “who is going to move out?” I was shocked. 2 years later— he was correct!

He knew something from someone! Go figure.

OP: Start doing what YOU WANT

How long did it take for your counselor to reach this conclusion? Like how many sessions?

I believe that if a counselor told me this after talking to both me and my spouse for an extensive period, I would be outta here faster than a bat out of hell. I am hoping to repair the marriage primarily for the sake of my children, and because DH and I work together relatively well and have built a fairly nice life. We are also actively having sex a lot, because for a long time we had a dead bedroom (I was the partner who wanted sex).

So the counselor initially seemed really positive and said “everything is fixable!” But to me everything is not “fixable.” I find her positivity almost a little off putting. I just find her off putting I guess. In many ways my love for him is gone. And he has always said he wanted to have a “fresh start” and then returned to the exact dynamic. She loved his language and uses the term “fresh start,” now with therapy! I guess I sort of hated that she did that when I told her how much I hated all the fake “fresh starts” in our marriage. We may just be two people who don’t connect. But she’s not posting about how much she hates clients on Instagram or something ridiculous, it’s just bugging me. I will give it one more chance and see how I feel next week.

It seemed like 3 or so months. I learned little. I should have been working on myself that entire time. I found therapy to be another burden I didn’t have time for. We spent a lot of the time talking about his growing up gay in the South. I learned a lot about the therapist but I was lost in my morass! It might’ve been me deflecting… haha i

[Anonymous]

I too was the partner who wanted sex. I’m female.

[Anonymous]

Same poster as above. If I were to do it again, I would not go to marriage therapy. My second one was much better than the first. Yoga or talking to a friend would have been time better spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too was the partner who wanted sex. I’m female.

Was there a temporary change while you were in therapy? DH is having sex a lot- sex was a huge issue for several years. I feel like he is sort of making himself do this in an effort to hold the marriage together. Whenever I mention my ambivalence he says “but we’re having so much sex!” I feel like he is doing this because he does not feel secure.

[Anonymous]

This one is tricky. there are multiple theories when guys withdraw physical attention. But your case is the opposite?

I would not try to judge a guys security. That is silly territory. Guys are pretty simple. I know I misjudged a lot in my final years of M. For me, I wanted the physical attention and I wasn’t getting any. That hurt.

[Anonymous]

+ I don’t think someone would be doing that if they weren’t trying (might not be what you would do but that’s how he is dealing). two cents:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same poster as above. If I were to do it again, I would not go to marriage therapy. My second one was much better than the first. Yoga or talking to a friend would have been time better spent.

I have liked individual therapy a lot. My therapist does not mind repeatedly talking about issues I think would be exhausting to my friends after awhile. She has been a helpful sounding board and had helped me stay accountable for things I need to do. I found my attitude really improved with my children and my husband with her help. She also sort of functions as the mother-like figure I never had, because my mother is mentally unwell.

After therapy I sometimes feel a bit sad and exhausted, but over time I have worked through a lot and feel better. So it sort of surprises me how unhappy I am with the marriage counselor, even when she is saying really similar things.

[Anonymous]

Ya, gal. Hit the pause button with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This one is tricky. there are multiple theories when guys withdraw physical attention. But your case is the opposite?

I would not try to judge a guys security. That is silly territory. Guys are pretty simple. I know I misjudged a lot in my final years of M. For me, I wanted the physical attention and I wasn’t getting any. That hurt.

So are you saying that basically he is having sex because he wants to have sex now? That’s so confusing- we were having miserable unenthusiastic sex about once every couple months for at least a year, the spigot going dry for much longer. I have a high libido and it was miserable. He was also… really cruel and critical. Everything I did was wrong, everything about my body was unappealing. Now he has done a 180, and it’s jarring.

But I have also learned that trying to analyze my husband’s thought process is largely futile.

[Anonymous]

futile. I personally can say I did a lot of confusing things. I was all over the place. That’s me, female. 15 year marriage. loyal, resentful, mean, rude, dismissive, cruel, clingy, overly dependant, withdrawing and then desperately wanting attention and gifts.

Everything was turned upside down. I feel we both turned different aspects upside down. It was a messy undoing dance. Think of a mating dance, backwards.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, to be me, based on very little, he is simplifying things

That is what guys do. One causation.
Id v id? That is something to consider