Not really happy with marriage counselor

[Anonymous]

How much of a chance to you give a marriage counselor if you feel like things are not working with them? I do not feel comfortable with our counselor and feel like she is putting words in my mouth and minimizing my concerns. We have had two sessions. I don’t think this is because she is “challenging” me as I have been challenged by my individual therapist before and I have not felt uncomfortable/unheard. DH is comfortable with her but I feel like we both should be comfortable with the person. I also do not believe that she has read the intake forms we did before our first session. Have you had an experience like this? What happened?

[Anonymous]

Hell yes you should be comfortable with them. I think you either need to speak up in the session or find a new counselor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of a chance to you give a marriage counselor if you feel like things are not working with them? I do not feel comfortable with our counselor and feel like she is putting words in my mouth and minimizing my concerns. We have had two sessions. I don’t think this is because she is “challenging” me as I have been challenged by my individual therapist before and I have not felt uncomfortable/unheard. DH is comfortable with her but I feel like we both should be comfortable with the person. I also do not believe that she has read the intake forms we did before our first session. Have you had an experience like this? What happened?

I have had some experiences like this. Both times the counselor ended up doing something pretty unprofessional later on and we had to terminate.

You might be part of the issue (as in, transference in triangles is very intense, and this situation may bring up something from childhood) but it sounds like there is maybe something else going on.

There are bad counselors out there, just like any other field. Look for someone with a PhD in clinical psych and specialty with couples, or at least a PsyD. There are many people out there with six months training in this or that and a MSW or LPCP that call themselves marriage counselors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much of a chance to you give a marriage counselor if you feel like things are not working with them? I do not feel comfortable with our counselor and feel like she is putting words in my mouth and minimizing my concerns. We have had two sessions. I don’t think this is because she is “challenging” me as I have been challenged by my individual therapist before and I have not felt uncomfortable/unheard. DH is comfortable with her but I feel like we both should be comfortable with the person. I also do not believe that she has read the intake forms we did before our first session. Have you had an experience like this? What happened?

I have had some experiences like this. Both times the counselor ended up doing something pretty unprofessional later on and we had to terminate.

You might be part of the issue (as in, transference in triangles is very intense, and this situation may bring up something from childhood) but it sounds like there is maybe something else going on.

There are bad counselors out there, just like any other field. Look for someone with a PhD in clinical psych and specialty with couples, or at least a PsyD. There are many people out there with six months training in this or that and a MSW or LPCP that call themselves marriage counselors.

What did they do? (Looking for any red flags I may be ignoring)

[Anonymous]

We just got rid of our first counselor after about 6 sessions. She was unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just got rid of our first counselor after about 6 sessions. She was unprofessional.

In what way?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know whether this is standard practice, but our marriage counselor booked an individual session with each of us soon after we started counseling so that we could speak freely and she could get a sense of where we each were. Maybe a one-on-one session with your marriage counselor would be a good way for you to feel heard and judge whether you can build a rapport with her.

[Anonymous]

You need to speak up. She works for you. If she is putting words in your mouth, then say it. I think it would be a huge red flag if I was your husband and you wanted to go with another counselor because she, in essence, is not taking your side. Reflect, is it you or the counselor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know whether this is standard practice, but our marriage counselor booked an individual session with each of us soon after we started counseling so that we could speak freely and she could get a sense of where we each were. Maybe a one-on-one session with your marriage counselor would be a good way for you to feel heard and judge whether you can build a rapport with her.

She has split us up and brought us back together both times, and at the end of both sessions I felt uncomfortable with her summary/takeaways. Like “no, that’s actually not what I said/meant.” Or she will say something to my husband like “well your wife is having this battle in her mind,” and I will be like “hmm.” Like that’s not really what I think is happening? But I am trying to be fair and give it a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to speak up. She works for you. If she is putting words in your mouth, then say it. I think it would be a huge red flag if I was your husband and you wanted to go with another counselor because she, in essence, is not taking your side. Reflect, is it you or the counselor?

+1 You need to speak up every time and clarify whatever she’s mischaracterizing. This is too important to be passive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to speak up. She works for you. If she is putting words in your mouth, then say it. I think it would be a huge red flag if I was your husband and you wanted to go with another counselor because she, in essence, is not taking your side. Reflect, is it you or the counselor?

+1 You need to speak up every time and clarify whatever she’s mischaracterizing. This is too important to be passive about it.

I have never had this issue with 2 other individual therapists. And it’s not like my husband is interrupting to add his piece, this is just her interaction with me that is making me uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to speak up. She works for you. If she is putting words in your mouth, then say it. I think it would be a huge red flag if I was your husband and you wanted to go with another counselor because she, in essence, is not taking your side. Reflect, is it you or the counselor?

I think she is interpreting a lot in his favor, but he has been so reticent about counselling that I really hesitate to change. It could be sort of a strategy to keep him open? In the end she has told him things that I think are useful but fairly minor, or not the real crux of the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to speak up. She works for you. If she is putting words in your mouth, then say it. I think it would be a huge red flag if I was your husband and you wanted to go with another counselor because she, in essence, is not taking your side. Reflect, is it you or the counselor?

+1 You need to speak up every time and clarify whatever she’s mischaracterizing. This is too important to be passive about it.

+2

It's important that you speak up either way - if the therapist is just confused about what you're saying, it clarifies. If the therapist is seeing things in a different way, it gives you a chance to learn more and understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much of a chance to you give a marriage counselor if you feel like things are not working with them? I do not feel comfortable with our counselor and feel like she is putting words in my mouth and minimizing my concerns. We have had two sessions. I don’t think this is because she is “challenging” me as I have been challenged by my individual therapist before and I have not felt uncomfortable/unheard. DH is comfortable with her but I feel like we both should be comfortable with the person. I also do not believe that she has read the intake forms we did before our first session. Have you had an experience like this? What happened?

I have had some experiences like this. Both times the counselor ended up doing something pretty unprofessional later on and we had to terminate.

You might be part of the issue (as in, transference in triangles is very intense, and this situation may bring up something from childhood) but it sounds like there is maybe something else going on.

There are bad counselors out there, just like any other field. Look for someone with a PhD in clinical psych and specialty with couples, or at least a PsyD. There are many people out there with six months training in this or that and a MSW or LPCP that call themselves marriage counselors.

What did they do? (Looking for any red flags I may be ignoring)

One told my spouse something about me in an individual session that was not true and not helpful, ie that maybe I had X diagnosis. Nope. She also talked a lot about her own life and called one of her other clients “idiots.”

The other one posted a vent about clients on social media the same day we had a session, tagging with many of the issues we had discussed. I don’t know if it was about us or another couple — it doesn’t matter. She was the one I felt most uncomfortable with. She also mischaracterized what I was saying often but I couldn’t be bothered to correct her because she was so high on herself it would have been fruitless.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like someone is being held accountable and not coddled.