Not really happy with marriage counselor

[Anonymous]

*to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:futile. I personally can say I did a lot of confusing things. I was all over the place. That’s me, female. 15 year marriage. loyal, resentful, mean, rude, dismissive, cruel, clingy, overly dependant, withdrawing and then desperately wanting attention and gifts.

Everything was turned upside down. I feel we both turned different aspects upside down. It was a messy undoing dance. Think of a mating dance, backwards.

I feel like my husband and I are doing this. When we are together we go through this type of cycle. When we are apart, I think “I really need to leave.” It’s miserable. I was hoping the marriage counseling would help give me a greater sense of clarity.

[Anonymous]

Don’t look there. I think I had a female mid life crisis. I didn’t act out, but I helped make things miserable at home. He freaked out in return. It could have been two simultaneous mid life situations .. Not sure

[Anonymous]

I just know what I did wrong. Not what I should have done! I blamed him for a couple of years after but now I realize that was a simplified narrative about our marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of a chance to you give a marriage counselor if you feel like things are not working with them? I do not feel comfortable with our counselor and feel like she is putting words in my mouth and minimizing my concerns. We have had two sessions. I don’t think this is because she is “challenging” me as I have been challenged by my individual therapist before and I have not felt uncomfortable/unheard. DH is comfortable with her but I feel like we both should be comfortable with the person. I also do not believe that she has read the intake forms we did before our first session. Have you had an experience like this? What happened?

Both of you have to be comfortable, OP. DH and I once had a recently divorced woman who was a little on the angry side, and blamed me (shocker!), which would be slightly more acceptable, if she was not paid to be helping us?? Unprofessional, all around. A good, qualified counselor will help you and DH BOTH communicate and mediate, OP. If she is picking sides for any amount of time, or making you uncomfortable, you reserve every right to find someone who makes who comfortable. You are the paying client - paying for help, not trouble, OP.

[Anonymous]

Here is one more thing. This makes me feel bad as I write it. I asked him to lose weight and get in shape. He did. I was so confused when he lost the weight, as it happened so fast. He also didn’t tell me or let me in on his journey or talk about it. Probably bc our comms between us was down. I remember only thinking (and probably saying), “you think you can fix things by … this?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t look there. I think I had a female mid life crisis. I didn’t act out, but I helped make things miserable at home. He freaked out in return. It could have been two simultaneous mid life situations .. Not sure

Honestly, I do not think my marriage has been happy or healthy the entire time. It could be a midlife crisis talking but I don’t think so. I did not know what a healthy relationship looks like and regretted marrying DH almost immediately. He has a temper and makes me miserable. My ambivalence and regret makes him miserable. We made it work for a long time but now I feel very done, like my journey with him is over now. I’ve had a lot of therapy and am sort of disappointed that this is the conclusion I am reaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is one more thing. This makes me feel bad as I write it. I asked him to lose weight and get in shape. He did. I was so confused when he lost the weight, as it happened so fast. He also didn’t tell me or let me in on his journey or talk about it. Probably bc our comms between us was down. I remember only thinking (and probably saying), “you think you can fix things by … this?”

I relate to this. DH did a complete behavior 180. After criticizing everything about me- my looks, my voice, my parenting, suddenly I was the most important thing in his life. After having a horrible temper and outbursts all of a sudden he was patient. After refusing sex he was suddenly like we just met. I should be happy- but instead I am confused and angry that he could have just been nice the whole time but chose not to until the marriage was on the brink.

[Anonymous]

I feel a lot of marriage counselors I have used are single women and secretly wonder what my problem is, my husband is good looking and a decent earner and partner. One basically told me that. And that is so hard to find a man out there.

[Anonymous]

Are you in counseling expecting to feel validated and have the therapist take your side? That’s your first mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel a lot of marriage counselors I have used are single women and secretly wonder what my problem is, my husband is good looking and a decent earner and partner. One basically told me that. And that is so hard to find a man out there.

OP here. That is sort of the vibe I am getting too. Like… no this is not quite so simple.

[Anonymous]

You and I, we may be dialoguing together. So to me, that sounds like a man who is trying. He is …. trying. You are not processing these efforts in a way he expects. You have your reasons. You may be interpreting and going through your own stuff.

Your responses sound familiar to me and my experience. I kept it mostly to myself.

[Anonymous]

I can’t even tell you want I was going through. Just a 20 year end of relationship (15 married) and a need for change. regrets? you betcha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage counselor, who was quoted in the Washingtonian, told me and my long- time spouse, “This marriage is dead” followed by “who is going to move out?” I was shocked. 2 years later— he was correct!

He knew something from someone! Go figure.

OP: Start doing what YOU WANT

being correct is not really the role of a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage counselor, who was quoted in the Washingtonian, told me and my long- time spouse, “This marriage is dead” followed by “who is going to move out?” I was shocked. 2 years later— he was correct!

He knew something from someone! Go figure.

OP: Start doing what YOU WANT

being correct is not really the role of a therapist.

I would love to find a therapist like that. My dog can listen to me. I need advice