Signs of Trouble?

[Anonymous]

He’s a condescending ass! Recommending you show cleavage to get a raise. This guy thinks he is cute and then says it’s a joke? He is not respectful. I don’t know if therapy will help or not, but could not live with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in order to stay married you have to assume your spouse has decent/good intentions. Everyone’s spouse says things they find annoying, vulgar, rude, or even “abusive” sometimes. You have to assume that they don’t know how stupid or awful they are being and that they want to be better.

This is why OP needs to have a planned, focused, direct talk with him. Agree that if other aspects of his personality and their communication are not like this, then an instant leap to "Divorce him" (that good old DCUM knee-jerk staple!) is dumb. We don't know yet if OP has sat down and told him why she has issues with this, or if she has only reacted in each moment. He needs what some call a "come to Jesus" talk about this, not solely comments she says in the moment he makes these stupid, offensive things. Clearly, he dismisses anything she says when she objects then and there to his remarks, so he needs a face-to-face sit-down where she shows him the totality of these comments, over and over, year after year, and how they are making her feel belittled. She does say the examples she gives are just two, so one assumes this happens much more often than just these two times.

If he does "want to be better" he needs to listen when she tells him this. In her shoes, if he does this a lot, I would have this talk after I've already registered us for something like a couples communication workshop or couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

He seems very childish.

[Anonymous]

Previous posters are nuts. The second comment is a silly between married people comment that’s not remotely insulting and is clearly just a “hey nice boobs” comment - which honestly is the kind of thing that keeps marriages somewhat sexy beyond kid stage.

If you didn’t like it, tell him. But to call it abode, insulting or gaslighting is absolutely ridiculous.

I also don’t think the first one is a huge deal. Interrupting is rude, but not insulting. And you called him on it, so he got defensive (not unusual). He didn’t say you did something wrong, he said he was just kidding. I’d have mentioned it at the time that it wasn’t funny and you didn’t appreciate it. But beyond this; it sounds like you’re highly sensitive. I can’t imagine having a long go of marriage if stuff like this bothers you:

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I am sorry your preferences are routinely dismissed by a loved one.

There are a few dc urban mom posts on this topics.

Please read them. Maybe there is a fix. I don’t know of any examples off hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Previous posters are nuts. The second comment is a silly between married people comment that’s not remotely insulting and is clearly just a “hey nice boobs” comment - which honestly is the kind of thing that keeps marriages somewhat sexy beyond kid stage.

If you didn’t like it, tell him. But to call it abode, insulting or gaslighting is absolutely ridiculous.

I also don’t think the first one is a huge deal. Interrupting is rude, but not insulting. And you called him on it, so he got defensive (not unusual). He didn’t say you did something wrong, he said he was just kidding. I’d have mentioned it at the time that it wasn’t funny and you didn’t appreciate it. But beyond this; it sounds like you’re highly sensitive. I can’t imagine having a long go of marriage if stuff like this bothers you:

Maybe you should marry her husband then. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t offended. She was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband uses the "joking" excuse for most of the things I consider insults. Two examples:

While I talking to a neighbor about our gardens, he pops over and interrupts me (twice). The second time I ask him to please don't interrupt. He says he was just making my point more interesting as I was boring. I left. He tells me later he was just joking.

Today, as I'm leaving for work, he tells me I would be able to actually get raise if would show a lot more cleavage. I tell him I just got a raise a month ago with my brains. He says the raise would have been bigger if I was more "out there". I tell him that was hurtful. He says he was just joking. He was actually "implying a compliment".

Then he tries to tell me I'm too sensitive. Is this gaslighting?

DARVO applies here. Classic DARVO.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.

You told him she didn't like something he did and he denied that he was doing anything, insisted he was "just joking" ("just" anything is a red flag, as well, so keep that in mind), and then claims you are boring (Attack), and then he tells you that you are too sensitive, and basically it's your fault (Reverse Victim & Offender).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband uses the "joking" excuse for most of the things I consider insults. Two examples:

While I talking to a neighbor about our gardens, he pops over and interrupts me (twice). The second time I ask him to please don't interrupt. He says he was just making my point more interesting as I was boring. I left. He tells me later he was just joking.

Today, as I'm leaving for work, he tells me I would be able to actually get raise if would show a lot more cleavage. I tell him I just got a raise a month ago with my brains. He says the raise would have been bigger if I was more "out there". I tell him that was hurtful. He says he was just joking. He was actually "implying a compliment".

Then he tries to tell me I'm too sensitive. Is this gaslighting?

DARVO applies here. Classic DARVO.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.

You told him she didn't like something he did and he denied that he was doing anything, insisted he was "just joking" ("just" anything is a red flag, as well, so keep that in mind), and then claims you are boring (Attack), and then he tells you that you are too sensitive, and basically it's your fault (Reverse Victim & Offender).

Sorry about the typo ... You told him YOU didn't like something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Previous posters are nuts. The second comment is a silly between married people comment that’s not remotely insulting and is clearly just a “hey nice boobs” comment - which honestly is the kind of thing that keeps marriages somewhat sexy beyond kid stage.

If you didn’t like it, tell him. But to call it abode, insulting or gaslighting is absolutely ridiculous.

I also don’t think the first one is a huge deal. Interrupting is rude, but not insulting. And you called him on it, so he got defensive (not unusual). He didn’t say you did something wrong, he said he was just kidding. I’d have mentioned it at the time that it wasn’t funny and you didn’t appreciate it. But beyond this; it sounds like you’re highly sensitive. I can’t imagine having a long go of marriage if stuff like this bothers you:

You have missed, or chosen to ignore, the fact she says those two specific things are just examples. There seems to be a larger pattern of these kind of comments over time. That is extremely wearing at best and dismissive and insulting at worst. People are telling her it's time to deal with this pattern. A pattern, PP, not just two isolated incidents. Maybe you'd be delighted to be "complimented" about your boobs (or your d**k if you're a man) and told you need to sex things up for a work promotion--hilarious! But OP is not delighted, and there's nothing oversensitive about that, especially when similar comments go on and on.