Signs of Trouble?

[Anonymous]

My husband uses the "joking" excuse for most of the things I consider insults. Two examples:

While I talking to a neighbor about our gardens, he pops over and interrupts me (twice). The second time I ask him to please don't interrupt. He says he was just making my point more interesting as I was boring. I left. He tells me later he was just joking.

Today, as I'm leaving for work, he tells me I would be able to actually get raise if would show a lot more cleavage. I tell him I just got a raise a month ago with my brains. He says the raise would have been bigger if I was more "out there". I tell him that was hurtful. He says he was just joking. He was actually "implying a compliment".

Then he tries to tell me I'm too sensitive. Is this gaslighting?

[Anonymous]

Something tells me he's always been like this. Why is it an issue now?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an idiot, but you already know that.

[Anonymous]

I would not be offended by those particular examples, my dh and I rib each other a bit. If anything I might think the second comment just makes him seem a bit coarse and I’d probably think less of him. But I guess it depends on how frequent it is and whether you feel he demeans or belittles you in other ways, like it’s a pattern because he feels threatened in some way.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't be with someone like that.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand passive aggressive people.

[Anonymous]

He's always been like this. It's bothering you now, because something needs to be addressed. I'd go see a really good counselor on your own to figure out what's bothering you. Take it from there.

[Anonymous]

"Just joking" is a form of gaslighting.

I couldn't be with a partner like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand passive aggressive people.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband uses the "joking" excuse for most of the things I consider insults. Two examples:

While I talking to a neighbor about our gardens, he pops over and interrupts me (twice). The second time I ask him to please don't interrupt. He says he was just making my point more interesting as I was boring. I left. He tells me later he was just joking.

Today, as I'm leaving for work, he tells me I would be able to actually get raise if would show a lot more cleavage. I tell him I just got a raise a month ago with my brains. He says the raise would have been bigger if I was more "out there". I tell him that was hurtful. He says he was just joking. He was actually "implying a compliment".

Then he tries to tell me I'm too sensitive. Is this gaslighting?

Check out the Duluth power and abuse wheel --several concepts fit -- emotional abuse, minimizing denying and blaming, and possibly control/isolation (since he keeps interrupting your conversations and contact with others).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband uses the "joking" excuse for most of the things I consider insults. Two examples:

While I talking to a neighbor about our gardens, he pops over and interrupts me (twice). The second time I ask him to please don't interrupt. He says he was just making my point more interesting as I was boring. I left. He tells me later he was just joking.

Today, as I'm leaving for work, he tells me I would be able to actually get raise if would show a lot more cleavage. I tell him I just got a raise a month ago with my brains. He says the raise would have been bigger if I was more "out there". I tell him that was hurtful. He says he was just joking. He was actually "implying a compliment".

Then he tries to tell me I'm too sensitive. Is this gaslighting?

Really? I would never ask my husband not to interrupt in front of other people! Maybe OP has the problem.

[Anonymous]

Gaslighting and passive aggression. That behavior can lead to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Since these are just two examples, OP, we're all figuring there are many more. How long have you been married? How old are you? In other words, how long has this gone on? And do you normally second-guess yourself over communications with him, or ask others (friends, family, now us strangers on the Internet) if we're hearing him the same way you're hearing him?

Asking all those things seriously. Please take ownership of your reaction here. You feel insulted and belittled and find him unfunny. That's completely appropriate and you need to realize that "I was just joking," "You take things too seriously" and their friends "Don't be so sensitive" and "You have no sense of humor" and "You can't take a joke" (ever heard those?) are ALL red flags. And they're ones that the person using them often has ZERO understanding are problems.

Sit him down. Pick a time when there are no kids around, no one is going to interrupt, he isn't out the door in 20 minutes to go somewhere. Then talk to him about it. Say that you see a problem with your communication as a couple, and recent examples have prompted you to talk to him about a behavior that is making you feel differently about him and about the marriage. Then use a non-blaming construction like "When you do X, I feel Y." If he tries to interrupt, defend himself etc. etc., ask him coolly to let you finish everything you want to lay out before he responds. Explain that "You're too sensitive" is dismissive and makes you feel that what YOU experience as belittling is something HE is expressing is no big deal. Note that you are proud of your work advances and when he "jokes" about cleavage over brains-and then doubles down on the "joke" after you correct him!!--it makes you question if he values your brains and achievement or just your breasts.

Tell him you want these comments to end, because you feel belittled, and that when he fobs off things as a joke or says you have no sense of humor (which is frankly an insult to many of us) you feel he's denying your reactions are legit. See how he reacts to that.

You likely will still need couples counseling with a strong focus on communication skills, OP. I would bet he was raised in a family where "teasing" and "joking" were their everyday normal, and he himself grew up hearing "Don't be so sensitive" and "You need to be able to take a joke." It seems so harmless but can turn so toxic. It can make people start to hide genuine feelings that might be seen as weakness or wimpiness, too.

Someone said solo counseling for you and that could be good, but I do not believe in the idea that "You must change yourself and your reaction because you can't change him." Of course you can't change another person. But the idea here is to communicate so he clearly understands, if he does not choose to change his communication style, he is putting your love and marriage in jeopardy.

[Anonymous]

I think in order to stay married you have to assume your spouse has decent/good intentions. Everyone’s spouse says things they find annoying, vulgar, rude, or even “abusive” sometimes. You have to assume that they don’t know how stupid or awful they are being and that they want to be better.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask him not to interrupt you while you were talking to the neighbor? Honestly, your husband sounds like a passive-aggressive doofus, but you sound annoying, too.