Please give me stories about being a step parent

[Anonymous]

I love my stepkids but not their mother. She is supposed to have visitation every weekend. She seems them about once a month, and never for the full weekend. They are sad and confused and DH and I have to figure out how to explain why she doesn't prioritize them. It's especially hard when she sees my kids' father always taking all his visitation time. Dh has offered to drop the kids off at her place so she doesn't have to come to ours, letting her pick them up directly from school, all kinds of things.

The other day my stepdaugher was crying and we were talking about her mom, and she eventually said she appreciates what I do but wants her mom to do those things. And I NEVER step on her mom's toes - I'm always careful to offer her opportunities to be involved or in charge of stuff. Birthday parties, gifts, going somewhere new, clothing shopping, first manicure, telling her what book series the kids are into in case she wants to read them too so she can talk about it with them, sending her pics of artwork they do, all of it.

They're genuinely great kids. Kind, funny, smart, helpful - she's really missing out, and they miss her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To have a kid that young and be divorced (and not a widow/er) something bad went down in his marriage. At this point you don't know if his wife cheated or he cheated or one of them is abusive, etc. But, generally infant/toddlers and divorce isn't a great sign.

OP said nothing about divorce

" It seems like an amicable and peaceful coparenting relationship

although he doesn't really think highly of her

. I haven't met her, or the daughter."

That one is raising red flags for me. Was he married? Was this a 'oops' with someone he wasn't in a relationship with? Was he a sperm donor? What is the reason he is co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a step father is an entirely different experience than being a step mother.

Really? Please tell me why. FYI = All but one of our kids were adults when we got married.

[Anonymous]

Being a step father is an entirely different experience than being a step mother.

This post is titled "Please give me stories about being a step parent [sic]."

Why would it matter if the story is about being a stepfather instead of a stepmother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want his ex to be in your life forever
If you want to be restricted in where you can live and where you can move to
If you want to have child support as part of your budget (if not now, possibly later)
If you don't mind not having the focus-on-our-first-baby experience with him
If you're ok with having 100% custody if anything happens with the ex
If you really truly think he will be a full parent in terms of setting limits, doing boring tasks, and all the other annoying stuff, and not try to dump that on you
If you want your children to have the experience of a sibling who's only there part-time
Then definitely go for it

I can't quite tell if this is sarcasm but I think it's worthwhile to consider these.

If you want his ex to be in your life forever
- This doesn't bother me much on the face of it. Not too much different than dealing with an unpleasant mother-in-law; unfortunate but not a dealbreaker. I am comfortable setting firm boundaries. But she is not a very mature or "together" person and seems potentially needy. I could see where situations would arise where he would feel the need to bail her out for whatever reason and that causing tension.

If you want to be restricted in where you can live and where you can move to
- This is huge. I really don't love where I live right now and do not like the idea of not being able to leave the area.

If you want to have child support as part of your budget (if not now, possibly later)
- This doesn't bother me when I think about it, but it's hard to say how I'd really feel if it was a reality.

If you don't mind not having the focus-on-our-first-baby experience with him
- Undecided if I want kids but I could definitely see unpleasant feelings and jealousy arising with this.

If you're ok with having 100% custody if anything happens with the ex
- Sure, if I'm going to do this it wouldn't make much of a difference whether it was 50% or 100%. I can even see benefits to him having sole custody. He has very involved parents close by that are happy to provide childcare so I'm not concerned about us being able to have kid-free time together.

If you really truly think he will be a full parent in terms of setting limits, doing boring tasks, and all the other annoying stuff, and not try to dump that on you
- I can't say for sure, but I really believe this would be true. He is extremely considerate of me and my boundaries.

If you want your children to have the experience of a sibling who's only there part-time
- I don't know much about what this experience is like for children so it's hard to say either way.

Then definitely go for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To have a kid that young and be divorced (and not a widow/er) something bad went down in his marriage. At this point you don't know if his wife cheated or he cheated or one of them is abusive, etc. But, generally infant/toddlers and divorce isn't a great sign.

OP said nothing about divorce

" It seems like an amicable and peaceful coparenting relationship

although he doesn't really think highly of her

. I haven't met her, or the daughter."

That one is raising red flags for me. Was he married? Was this a 'oops' with someone he wasn't in a relationship with? Was he a sperm donor? What is the reason he is co-parenting.

I explained upthread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a stepparent, I encourage you strongly to get out now. I love my spouse, but if I knew back when I was in your shoes what I know now I would have hightailed it in the other direction.

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a stepfather is a VERY different situation from being a stepmother. Stepfathers are generally more liked by stepkids.

Read Steptalk and Stepmonster.

My answer to you, you are far too young to be dating divorced dads. 32? No way. Get on a few dating apps and aggressively date men with no kids.

[Anonymous]

I met my stepkid when she was 10, married her dad when she was 13, and she’s 25 now. We were lucky to have hit it off well; I know many who were not lucky and it’s been tenuous.

Her mom had primary custody in a different state so we got her for vacation weeks, holidays, the entire summer, and one weekend a month DH would fly down. The entire summer was an adjustment, but we got through it ok and every other summer since had been fine.

Not a fan of the mom so very glad we don’t have to deal with her any more; that ended after college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Being a step father is an entirely different experience than being a step mother.

This post is titled "Please give me stories about being a step parent [sic]."

Why would it matter if the story is about being a stepfather instead of a stepmother?

OP should have asked about stories about being a stepmom. But it’s understandable that she didn’t because she probably doesn’t know yet how different society’s expectations are for men and women and how hard it is for somebody to treat a stepchild in a way that doesn’t cause family tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a stepparent, I encourage you strongly to get out now. I love my spouse, but if I knew back when I was in your shoes what I know now I would have hightailed it in the other direction.

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a stepfather is a VERY different situation from being a stepmother. Stepfathers are generally more liked by stepkids.

Read Steptalk and Stepmonster.

My answer to you, you are far too young to be dating divorced dads. 32? No way. Get on a few dating apps and aggressively date men with no kids.

I was and the pickings were slim and awful! I do appreciate you saying this though. Sometimes it's hard to feel like it's not too late to find a quality partner.

[Anonymous]

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids, and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a stepfather is a VERY different situation from being a stepmother. Stepfathers are generally more liked by stepkids.

Read Steptalk and Stepmonster.

This is not an answer to why it is a very different situation. Do you have any studies, etc. to cite? Are the books Steptalk and Stepmonster written with a balance between how both stepfathers and stepmothers can be stepparents? It does not appear that Stepmonster was written to apply to stepfather/stepchild relationships.

My answer to you, you are far too young to be dating divorced dads. 32? No way. Get on a few dating apps and aggressively date men with no kids.

I am a 60-year-old man with no interest in dating divorced dads.

[Anonymous]

OP, your life will be governed by the custody order if you stay involved with this man. Your life will never be your own again, and you won't even be the actual parent. You'll be a Supporting Character in your own story. Being a stepparent is a whole animal and not everyone is cut out for it.

Better to break up with this guy and find a kid-free single man. They're out there.

[Anonymous]

This post is titled "Please give me stories about being a step parent [sic]."

Why would it matter if the story is about being a stepfather instead of a stepmother?

OP should have asked about stories about being a stepmom. But it’s understandable that she didn’t because she probably doesn’t know yet how different society’s expectations are for men and women and how hard it is for somebody to treat a stepchild in a way that doesn’t cause family tension.

OP - Here is your chance to respond. This poster seems to know why you posted what you did.

You can both explain why stepfathers' stories do not matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a step father is an entirely different experience than being a step mother.

Really? Please tell me why. FYI = All but one of our kids were adults when we got married.

Getting to be the cool, easygoing stepdad who enters the picture when the "kids" were all basically launched and busy with their own lives is a VERY different situation than someone going into a situation with a toddler. You know this.

[Anonymous]

There will always be a third party in your life/relationship -- the other parent. You will have to grit your teeth and keep the peace with her, no matter how she acts. Everything with the kid will have to be approved by her. If relations with her go south, you will never be able to experience life without her, she will always be in her kid's life (and yours as well).

The little girl is 3, that's 15 guaranteed years of living a life where your choices are limited because your man has joint custody. His priority will be his child (as it should be). The fact that he "doesn't seem to think highly" of the girl's mom is a red flag, because he may lean on you to be the go-between when things get rough with her.

IDK, you are young, no kids... hit the eject button. Don't give up trying to find a guy who doesn't already have kids.