Please give me stories about being a step parent

[Anonymous]

Good, bad, and ugly. I have been dating a guy and he treats me so well, miles better than I've ever been with. I feel like he could be the one, 5 months in.

The only problem is he has a three year old daughter. Previously I would have considered this a dealbreaker and wouldn't have even gone on a date with him to prevent what is happening now, but I wasn't initially super attracted to him and thought we would make good friends, maybe with benefits. I didn't think I'd get invested. I told him as much, and he was okay with it because we were both just trying to get out and have some fun after a long period of celibacy, but he slowly won me over.

I'm 32, so it's definitely not going to be easy to find someone like him at all again, much less someone without a kid. I'm really trying to picture how this would look long term and think about if I want to do this or if it's time to break things off.

He has her every other week, mom is also local. It seems like an amicable and peaceful coparenting relationship although he doesn't really think highly of her. I haven't met her, or the daughter.

I worry about my own emotional maturity. I imagine being in a situation where I am essentially jealous of a preschooler and the thought is just so ugly I don't even want to put myself in the situation. I have always been ambivalent about having my own children partially due to what I know about my personality and shortcomings, and partially due to family history of cancer and severe mental health issues. But I like kids, I've spent a lot of time as a nanny and way too much time here on DCUM, so I have picked up a lot of knowledge on parenting topics.

I don't know. I just don't have many people to talk to about this and need advice.

[Anonymous]

Check out steptalk.com It has entire forums dedicated to this stuff

That said, I wouldn’t let an amazing guy go simply because he has a kid. But if the ex seems mature (at least based on what you know about her) like you’re saying, I’d probably take his not being with his child’s mother as a red flag. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

To have a kid that young and be divorced (and not a widow/er) something bad went down in his marriage. At this point you don't know if his wife cheated or he cheated or one of them is abusive, etc. But, generally infant/toddlers and divorce isn't a great sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To have a kid that young and be divorced (and not a widow/er) something bad went down in his marriage. At this point you don't know if his wife cheated or he cheated or one of them is abusive, etc. But, generally infant/toddlers and divorce isn't a great sign.

OP said nothing about divorce

[Anonymous]

Why did they break up?

[Anonymous]

As a stepparent, I encourage you strongly to get out now. I love my spouse, but if I knew back when I was in your shoes what I know now I would have hightailed it in the other direction.

[Anonymous]

Here's a good podcast about the complexities of being a stepmother. It's multilayered and we're not evil. The first episode is with Wednesday Martin who wrote Stepmonster, required reading for stepmothers.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/youre-not-my-mum-the-stepmums-side/id1596737394

[Anonymous]

As a stepparent, I encourage you strongly to get out now. I love my spouse, but if I knew back when I was in your shoes what I know now I would have hightailed it in the other direction.

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did they break up?

They were not married. He was not ready for marriage or a baby, she was, and she deceived him about birth control and got pregnant. I take this with a grain of salt because there are two sides to every story but I have seen text messages where she alludes to having lied so I do believe it for the most part. He tried to make it work for about a year after his daughter was born but could not get past the deception.

To me it's somewhat of a red flag that his judgment is poor enough to even be with someone who would do that, but we've discussed openly why and how he ended up feeling stuck and codependent in a long term relationship he couldn't see marrying or having children with.

[Anonymous]

I think even the fact that you are asking yourself these questions means you could be a good stepparent. It really just comes down to whether you are happy living with a child half the month and all of that entails. If you really like him is sounds like you should have some serious discussion about it. With a kid that little you also need to make sure he’s not gonna offload the work onto you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a stepparent, I encourage you strongly to get out now. I love my spouse, but if I knew back when I was in your shoes what I know now I would have hightailed it in the other direction.

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a step father is an entirely different experience than being a step mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did they break up?

They were not married. He was not ready for marriage or a baby, she was, and she deceived him about birth control and got pregnant. I take this with a grain of salt because there are two sides to every story but I have seen text messages where she alludes to having lied so I do believe it for the most part. He tried to make it work for about a year after his daughter was born but could not get past the deception.

To me it's somewhat of a red flag that his judgment is poor enough to even be with someone who would do that, but we've discussed openly why and how he ended up feeling stuck and codependent in a long term relationship he couldn't see marrying or having children with.

If he wasn’t ready for a baby, he should have used a condom.

This is not your Prince Charming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did they break up?

They were not married. He was not ready for marriage or a baby, she was, and she deceived him about birth control and got pregnant. I take this with a grain of salt because there are two sides to every story but I have seen text messages where she alludes to having lied so I do believe it for the most part. He tried to make it work for about a year after his daughter was born but could not get past the deception.

To me it's somewhat of a red flag that his judgment is poor enough to even be with someone who would do that, but we've discussed openly why and how he ended up feeling stuck and codependent in a long term relationship he couldn't see marrying or having children with.

If he wasn’t ready for a baby, he should have used a condom.

This is not your Prince Charming.

What? He’s not my price charming because he… didn’t use a condom? Obviously he knew there was a risk of pregnancy but the issue is not that they accidentally got pregnant. He left his ex because she is deceitful.

[Anonymous]

Honestly the child is three and it doesn’t seem like he and the ex-girlfriend had much of a relationship. He’s 50/50 custody now but I could see that changing in the future once the ex marries or he marries. One or the other could want the kid more. Three years old is a minimum of 15 more years in each others lives. You’d not only be inheriting a child but also the ex and whatever baggage is there. But I wouldn’t count on the custody being the same in the future as it is now.

[Anonymous]

If you want his ex to be in your life forever
If you want to be restricted in where you can live and where you can move to
If you want to have child support as part of your budget (if not now, possibly later)
If you don't mind not having the focus-on-our-first-baby experience with him
If you're ok with having 100% custody if anything happens with the ex
If you really truly think he will be a full parent in terms of setting limits, doing boring tasks, and all the other annoying stuff, and not try to dump that on you
If you want your children to have the experience of a sibling who's only there part-time
Then definitely go for it