Please give me stories about being a step parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This post is titled "Please give me stories about being a step parent [sic]."

Why would it matter if the story is about being a stepfather instead of a stepmother?

OP should have asked about stories about being a stepmom. But it’s understandable that she didn’t because she probably doesn’t know yet how different society’s expectations are for men and women and how hard it is for somebody to treat a stepchild in a way that doesn’t cause family tension.

OP - Here is your chance to respond. This poster seems to know why you posted what you did.

You can both explain why stepfathers' stories do not matter.

Don’t drag me into this squabble! I’m happy to hear all perspectives and can parse out what relates to me and what doesn’t. PP is correct that my situation and yours are very different, but not just because you’re a man and I’m a woman. I do tend to agree now that I think about it that being a stepmom has very unique challenges a stepdad may not consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my stepkids but not their mother. She is supposed to have visitation every weekend. She seems them about once a month, and never for the full weekend. They are sad and confused and DH and I have to figure out how to explain why she doesn't prioritize them. It's especially hard when she sees my kids' father always taking all his visitation time. Dh has offered to drop the kids off at her place so she doesn't have to come to ours, letting her pick them up directly from school, all kinds of things.

The other day my stepdaugher was crying and we were talking about her mom, and she eventually said she appreciates what I do but wants her mom to do those things. And I NEVER step on her mom's toes - I'm always careful to offer her opportunities to be involved or in charge of stuff. Birthday parties, gifts, going somewhere new, clothing shopping, first manicure, telling her what book series the kids are into in case she wants to read them too so she can talk about it with them, sending her pics of artwork they do, all of it.

They're genuinely great kids. Kind, funny, smart, helpful - she's really missing out, and they miss her.

Yup. My aunt was a WONDERFUL stepmom to my stepcousin (my stepcousin would say that). But I still remember one time at camp her crying because my cousin, her stepmom sent her a care package. Her mom had not even sent a letter. She said, crying, "I love (insert stepmoms name here), but why won't my mom send me anything?" Her stepmom's kind gesture actually made her sad.

[Anonymous]

Getting to be the cool, easygoing stepdad who enters the picture when the "kids" were all basically launched and busy with their own lives is a VERY different situation than someone going into a situation with a toddler. You know this.

One of my wife's biological children is SN and will live with us for the rest of our lives. In some ways, he is like a toddler. I apologize for not mentioning this in my previous post since it makes a difference.

You believe you are right and do not need to listen to anyone else regarding an entirely different experience. For the next minute, try to believe that there are men in this world who love children and can love and marry a woman who already has kids (including toddlers.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids, and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a stepfather is a VERY different situation from being a stepmother. Stepfathers are generally more liked by stepkids.

Read Steptalk and Stepmonster.

This is not an answer to why it is a very different situation. Do you have any studies, etc. to cite? Are the books Steptalk and Stepmonster written with a balance between how both stepfathers and stepmothers can be stepparents? It does not appear that Stepmonster was written to apply to stepfather/stepchild relationships.

My answer to you, you are far too young to be dating divorced dads. 32? No way. Get on a few dating apps and aggressively date men with no kids.

I am a 60-year-old man with no interest in dating divorced dads.

I was talking to the OP when I said she was too young, obviously.

Multiple people are posting my point. You seem to think it is just one of this. Yes, the book Stepmonster addresses the fact that stepfathers have it easier. I don't have time to repeat all the arguments in that book and others.

[Anonymous]

You've already identified the child as a "problem" so you need to leave and let him find someone better. I can't imagine a normal person calling a 3 year old child's very existence a problem--you are gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've already identified the child as a "problem" so you need to leave and let him find someone better. I can't imagine a normal person calling a 3 year old child's very existence a problem--you are gross.

Such a strange thing to latch onto. Yes, that he has a child is a problem in the context of moving forward in our relationship since I am undecided whether that is something I want or can handle. How on earth does that make me gross?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've already identified the child as a "problem" so you need to leave and let him find someone better. I can't imagine a normal person calling a 3 year old child's very existence a problem--you are gross.

This is unfair.

Being a step parent is a HUGE deal and very challenging. Many relationships with step parents fail. She is right to question whether she want this.

And at 32, I think she should listen to her gut and keep dating single or divorced guys with no kids.

OP, once I turned 41, I started dating divorced dads. It's hard. I am in a relationship with one now. You just don't get prioirtized the way you would if there were no stepkids involved. You also wind up giving up control and decisionmaking on a LOT of things that women who DONT have stepkids DO get to control.

Like where you live (my boyfriend lives in a house i hate and he refuses to entertain the idea of moving to a new house, even in the same school district, if we get married). Like how you spend the holidays. Whether the kids living in your house put their dishes in the dish washer or not - if dad doesn't tell them to, it wont happen.

Not worth it at 32.

If you are still single at forty plus, there will be a TON of divorced dads you can date. A TON. You can always date divorced dads later if you dont find a guy with no kids now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already identified the child as a "problem" so you need to leave and let him find someone better. I can't imagine a normal person calling a 3 year old child's very existence a problem--you are gross.

Such a strange thing to latch onto. Yes, that he has a child is a problem in the context of moving forward in our relationship since I am undecided whether that is something I want or can handle. How on earth does that make me gross?

It doesnt. Ignore that person. It is probably a disgruntled divorced parent whose dating life is not going well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re only 32! Especially if you don’t want kids, I’d move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already identified the child as a "problem" so you need to leave and let him find someone better. I can't imagine a normal person calling a 3 year old child's very existence a problem--you are gross.

This is unfair.

Being a step parent is a HUGE deal and very challenging. Many relationships with step parents fail. She is right to question whether she want this.

And at 32, I think she should listen to her gut and keep dating single or divorced guys with no kids.

OP, once I turned 41, I started dating divorced dads. It's hard. I am in a relationship with one now. You just don't get prioirtized the way you would if there were no stepkids involved. You also wind up giving up control and decisionmaking on a LOT of things that women who DONT have stepkids DO get to control.

Like where you live (my boyfriend lives in a house i hate and he refuses to entertain the idea of moving to a new house, even in the same school district, if we get married). Like how you spend the holidays. Whether the kids living in your house put their dishes in the dish washer or not - if dad doesn't tell them to, it wont happen.

Not worth it at 32.

If you are still single at forty plus, there will be a TON of divorced dads you can date. A TON. You can always date divorced dads later if you dont find a guy with no kids now.

Thank you for sharing. A big part of this is just plain old terrible self-esteem. I’m terrified if I let the first man who has really truly treated me well there won’t be another. I might find one without kids but it’s so hard to imagine to find one as thoughtful, kind, mature, generous or well-matched for me. I am simply not the kind of woman who frequently attracts men like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already identified the child as a "problem" so you need to leave and let him find someone better. I can't imagine a normal person calling a 3 year old child's very existence a problem--you are gross.

This is unfair.

Being a step parent is a HUGE deal and very challenging. Many relationships with step parents fail. She is right to question whether she want this.

And at 32, I think she should listen to her gut and keep dating single or divorced guys with no kids.

OP, once I turned 41, I started dating divorced dads. It's hard. I am in a relationship with one now. You just don't get prioirtized the way you would if there were no stepkids involved. You also wind up giving up control and decisionmaking on a LOT of things that women who DONT have stepkids DO get to control.

Like where you live (my boyfriend lives in a house i hate and he refuses to entertain the idea of moving to a new house, even in the same school district, if we get married). Like how you spend the holidays. Whether the kids living in your house put their dishes in the dish washer or not - if dad doesn't tell them to, it wont happen.

Not worth it at 32.

If you are still single at forty plus, there will be a TON of divorced dads you can date. A TON. You can always date divorced dads later if you dont find a guy with no kids now.

Thank you for sharing. A big part of this is just plain old terrible self-esteem. I’m terrified if I let the first man who has really truly treated me well there won’t be another. I might find one without kids but it’s so hard to imagine to find one as thoughtful, kind, mature, generous or well-matched for me. I am simply not the kind of woman who frequently attracts men like this.

You write a lot about how well he treats you, but not much about you feel about him. Do you love him? How much do you enjoy spending time him, can you envision growing old with him? You don't even need to answer here and it's early days in the relationship still, but those are the considerations I would be thinking about. Just my two cents, but I'm not someone with any experience with step-parenting or dating people with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a stepparent, I encourage you strongly to get out now. I love my spouse, but if I knew back when I was in your shoes what I know now I would have hightailed it in the other direction.

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a stepfather is a VERY different situation from being a stepmother. Stepfathers are generally more liked by stepkids.

Read Steptalk and Stepmonster.

My answer to you, you are far too young to be dating divorced dads. 32? No way. Get on a few dating apps and aggressively date men with no kids.

I was and the pickings were slim and awful! I do appreciate you saying this though. Sometimes it's hard to feel like it's not too late to find a quality partner.

You are really young at 32

[Anonymous]

I admire my children’s stepfather very much and am thankful he is in their lives when I am not. The relationships can be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a stepparent, I encourage you strongly to get out now. I love my spouse, but if I knew back when I was in your shoes what I know now I would have hightailed it in the other direction.

I dropped off my stepdaughter for her first day of college and then again this summer when she traveled overseas to study abroad. I spend time with and love my stepchildren.

I have my biological kids and I love them as well. Nothing stops me from being a father to both sets.

Being a step father is an entirely different experience than being a step mother.

How so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Getting to be the cool, easygoing stepdad who enters the picture when the "kids" were all basically launched and busy with their own lives is a VERY different situation than someone going into a situation with a toddler. You know this.

One of my wife's biological children is SN and will live with us for the rest of our lives. In some ways, he is like a toddler. I apologize for not mentioning this in my previous post since it makes a difference.

You believe you are right and do not need to listen to anyone else regarding an entirely different experience. For the next minute, try to believe that there are men in this world who love children and can love and marry a woman who already has kids (including toddlers.)

I'm dating a man who claims he is such and I'm trying to let down my guard enough to believe him because I love him.