Envy of other women’s husbands

[Anonymous]

I won't deny that there's some correlation between partners' attractiveness or that appearances matter, but looking around, there's a huge variance. Some hunky guys with average looking women, and vice versa. (And of course, most of us are pleasant but typical looking matched with the same.) Personality matters much more.

[Anonymous]

Oh really, you’d be a “good fit” for a husband who is fit, attractive, devoted, family-oriented, emotionally mature, and makes a lot of money?

Shocker. What is he’s also hung like a donkey? Are you also uniquely compatible with that?

[Anonymous]

My DH is all those things, but a fed so not super high earner, by dcum standards. I imagine you wouldn’t consider a guy like him.

[Anonymous]

I only feel this fleetingly when I see a friend's husband doing something that I wish my DH did. I love my husband but like anyone, he has some personality quirks and challenges. The things I've been envious of in the past:

- A husband who truly takes on a fair share of cleaning and household management. My DH will do most things I ask, will push back against certain requests, and would be happy to let the house become unlivable if it meant he didn't have to do anything. I'm really on top of it, so it works out, but sometimes I see a husband who is like wiping down kitchen cabinets after cooking or just decides on his own that the deck needs to be cleaned up and figures it out and does it himself and I think about how nice that would be.

- A husband who spends more freely. My DH can be really cheap. This isn't related to actual finances -- DH and I are on the same page with that. But sometimes he's just really tight with money or unnecessarily frugal, largely because of how he was raised. Like on Mother's Day he was asking for input on a gift for his mom, and I suggested getting a couple nice hanging floral planters for her deck because she has liked that in the past, and he balked at getting two because they were $60 apiece. I had to roll my eyes. There's no issue in spending $120 on flowers for his mom, we can afford it no problem. But some part of him is like "well she should be happy with one." He's aware that this isn't his best quality and generally comes around, but it gets exhausting having to explain/justify a lot of relatively minor spending because his first response is "that's extravagant" even when it's like an extra $10 appetizer for the table.

But these are minor things in the grand scheme of things. I never actually wish I was married to someone else, just occasionally think "oh it would be nice if my husband had that specific quality or attitude about this specific thing. I can't think of any of my friends' husbands who I'd rather be married to than my own, despite his flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course looks make all the difference.

This is OP. But, I have everything else! I am well educated, cultured and sophisticated. I dress well. I am told I am kind and empathetic and I grew up in a warm and loving family. There is every reason a high quality man should want me! Except I wasn’t born with lean long legs, great hair and a gorgeous face. I do what I can but… I am not really the prettiest girl in the room.

Are you a high earner? That makes up for a lot in women as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only feel this fleetingly when I see a friend's husband doing something that I wish my DH did. I love my husband but like anyone, he has some personality quirks and challenges. The things I've been envious of in the past:

- A husband who truly takes on a fair share of cleaning and household management. My DH will do most things I ask, will push back against certain requests, and would be happy to let the house become unlivable if it meant he didn't have to do anything. I'm really on top of it, so it works out, but sometimes I see a husband who is like wiping down kitchen cabinets after cooking or just decides on his own that the deck needs to be cleaned up and figures it out and does it himself and I think about how nice that would be.

- A husband who spends more freely. My DH can be really cheap. This isn't related to actual finances -- DH and I are on the same page with that. But sometimes he's just really tight with money or unnecessarily frugal, largely because of how he was raised. Like on Mother's Day he was asking for input on a gift for his mom, and I suggested getting a couple nice hanging floral planters for her deck because she has liked that in the past, and he balked at getting two because they were $60 apiece. I had to roll my eyes. There's no issue in spending $120 on flowers for his mom, we can afford it no problem. But some part of him is like "well she should be happy with one." He's aware that this isn't his best quality and generally comes around, but it gets exhausting having to explain/justify a lot of relatively minor spending because his first response is "that's extravagant" even when it's like an extra $10 appetizer for the table.

But these are minor things in the grand scheme of things. I never actually wish I was married to someone else, just occasionally think "oh it would be nice if my husband had that specific quality or attitude about this specific thing. I can't think of any of my friends' husbands who I'd rather be married to than my own, despite his flaws.

My exh was unable to see/do anything like this and the man I am with now sees and does more than I do. It is so freaking hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on unmarried men in your league. If you take high earner and hot off of the list, you'll find many kind, mature, educated, responsible potential family men out there getting labeled as mediocre.

This is terrible, misogynistic advice.

If you marry someone you don’t find hot, they will resent the fact that you don’t want to have *a lifetime of* monogamous sex. Do not do this. It’s not fair to either of you.

If you marry someone who is going to be in a different SES than you plan for, you are going to resent the struggling, not setting your kids up, delayed retirement, etc. Money is a leading cause of marital disharmony.

OP maximize your own potential, especially earning potential. Make as much money as you reasonably can because that will keep you in the peer group of the men you are trying to attract.

Use that money to maximize your attractiveness. Spend on good clothes, good food, very high end enhancements.

Hot is usually defined as hot to majority, you can be attracted to a good woman/man and find them hot even if they aren't 10/10 on public meter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

+1

OP, you fail to see what goes on behind closed doors, and how much work it is to be married to someone like this. Some of my friends have husbands like you describe, and I hear so much dirt about his personality, family, baggage and failures. The wives are left cleaning up the husbands figurative messes. You have no idea. All seems perfect from the outside, of course, as always.

Women like you would not last a minute with a man like that - all you see is the money - you have no idea what it takes to get there, and where it came from. In many cases, it is the woman whose family has the money, so you would never get near that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course looks make all the difference.

This is OP. But, I have everything else! I am well educated, cultured and sophisticated. I dress well. I am told I am kind and empathetic and I grew up in a warm and loving family. There is every reason a high quality man should want me! Except I wasn’t born with lean long legs, great hair and a gorgeous face. I do what I can but… I am not really the prettiest girl in the room.

Are you a high earner? That makes up for a lot in women as well.

+1

OP, you have to prove to single men that you are literally "worth" something - not just tell us how hot you are, weekly, on these stupid posts.

[Anonymous]

Looks are basically all that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol you never know what is going on is someone else marriage.

+1

The most charming men I know are people I would never (never) live with, I know too many truths about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

This is pretty interesting. Can you expand on that?

I can see it in my husband a bit -- i'm someone who always tries to look good (size 2, have been called beautiful, exercise every day, use the fancy face creams, pay attention to my clothes), and I have noticed that my husband looks better now than he did 15 years ago when I met him: his clothes fit better, he is more fit, etc. he's a bit more ambitious in his work. I'm not buying his clothes or anything, but he occasionally makes a comment about "wanting to keep up."

[Anonymous]

and he's DEFINITELY more emotionally mature than he was when I met him. And is a devoted family man, but that is also the result of a lot of specific conversations. So i think that PP is onto something... the relationship matters. someone may not be "a catch" in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

I literally don’t know anybody I think wow id love to be married to you.

When single women ask me if I know anybody they could date the answer is 100% no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

"Work on marriage, family, DH" .... and one more missing piece?