Envy of other women’s husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hard for me to admit but I sometimes have a passing thought when I meet a couple and the husband appears to be a total catch! Or at least, the kind of men I’d want to be married to.

They’re fit, smart, devoted family men, high earners and emotionally mature.

I’d think on paper I’d be a good fit for men like that as I have all similar interests and goals. But! I am not as beautiful as their wives! The women they pick are definitely hotter than me and…I guess that makes all the difference?

well, there's your answer. Yes, if you were hotter, you could've probably attracted a "higher quality man". Don't you think these higher quality men attracted hot women because they were "high quality"?

Actually a lot if the types of guys that OP is describing are married to fairly plain women who have a certain suburban look— dyed blonde hair, petite, but plain faced. Not exactly “hot.” But hey, Americans have a strange definition of that that encompasses anyone who is thin with light hair.

I disagree with the "petite" part, in terms of height. A lot of these women married to these "high quality" men are average to above average in height. But they are very slim and dyed blonde.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

Curious about this. I’m dating a wonderful kind man behind closed doors - great sex, he takes care of me emotionally, we have fun together. But in public he doesn’t come across very confident and definitely isn’t a high earner or have high social status. However, I am confident and in a public facing job and get told I’m beautiful often. Will he get more confident over time? Or will this lead to resentment?

maybe he's not an extrovert? If you are looking for a man to be like that, then maybe he's not for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course looks make all the difference.

This is OP. But, I have everything else! I am well educated, cultured and sophisticated. I dress well. I am told I am kind and empathetic and I grew up in a warm and loving family. There is every reason a high quality man should want me! Except I wasn’t born with lean long legs, great hair and a gorgeous face. I do what I can but… I am not really the prettiest girl in the room.

Something went wrong for you to have this level of envy/insecurity. You're not ENTITLED to any life or man. You get what you deserve - in that if you're insecure, you're not attracting a well-adjusted and great partner, just not happening. The desperation is probably palpable. If you're always looking at others and comparing, it isn't a good look as someone else mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't deny that there's some correlation between partners' attractiveness or that appearances matter, but looking around, there's a huge variance. Some hunky guys with average looking women, and vice versa. (And of course, most of us are pleasant but typical looking matched with the same.) Personality matters much more.

What I don’t get is the hunky guys with all the great qualities with the unattractive, unkind, not fun woman. I know a couple like this and it just totally leaves me scratching my head. He could have any woman and he chose someone who is just straight mean and ugly. It’s so bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't deny that there's some correlation between partners' attractiveness or that appearances matter, but looking around, there's a huge variance. Some hunky guys with average looking women, and vice versa. (And of course, most of us are pleasant but typical looking matched with the same.) Personality matters much more.

What I don’t get is the hunky guys with all the great qualities with the unattractive, unkind, not fun woman. I know a couple like this and it just totally leaves me scratching my head. He could have any woman and he chose someone who is just straight mean and ugly. It’s so bizarre.

I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are different in private, but I do know one woman who is really genuinely rude, even to her husband. She teases him in a way that really isn't funny and just gives off contempt vibes, and it's often very apparent he gets really sick of it. I only knew her a little when they were dating and I think she was the same way then. I don't know why anybody marries somebody like this. I think he regrets it and it's such a shame because he is a very nice guy and had options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't deny that there's some correlation between partners' attractiveness or that appearances matter, but looking around, there's a huge variance. Some hunky guys with average looking women, and vice versa. (And of course, most of us are pleasant but typical looking matched with the same.) Personality matters much more.

What I don’t get is the hunky guys with all the great qualities with the unattractive, unkind, not fun woman. I know a couple like this and it just totally leaves me scratching my head. He could have any woman and he chose someone who is just straight mean and ugly. It’s so bizarre.

I see a lot of this too. A real headscratcher. Maybe the women come from money or they met through certain social circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't deny that there's some correlation between partners' attractiveness or that appearances matter, but looking around, there's a huge variance. Some hunky guys with average looking women, and vice versa. (And of course, most of us are pleasant but typical looking matched with the same.) Personality matters much more.

What I don’t get is the hunky guys with all the great qualities with the unattractive, unkind, not fun woman. I know a couple like this and it just totally leaves me scratching my head. He could have any woman and he chose someone who is just straight mean and ugly. It’s so bizarre.

If your assessment is, in fact true, she is probably similar to one or both of his parents in important ways. In other words, he is replicating his relationship with a difficult parent because it fills a need in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t get why women seek out high-achieving husbands. These men will be on work travel constantly, work 65+ hours a week & are constantly surrounded by younger, better options. Do you really want to be married to him??????

Yes they do. They want to be a mom but a part time wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course looks make all the difference.

This is OP. But, I have everything else! I am well educated, cultured and sophisticated. I dress well. I am told I am kind and empathetic and I grew up in a warm and loving family. There is every reason a high quality man should want me! Except I wasn’t born with lean long legs, great hair and a gorgeous face. I do what I can but… I am not really the prettiest girl in the room.

Something went wrong for you to have this level of envy/insecurity. You're not ENTITLED to any life or man. You get what you deserve - in that if you're insecure, you're not attracting a well-adjusted and great partner, just not happening. The desperation is probably palpable. If you're always looking at others and comparing, it isn't a good look as someone else mentioned.

+1. No one is initially attracted to desperate people unless they are incredibly hot, wealthy, or famous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

Curious about this. I’m dating a wonderful kind man behind closed doors - great sex, he takes care of me emotionally, we have fun together. But in public he doesn’t come across very confident and definitely isn’t a high earner or have high social status. However, I am confident and in a public facing job and get told I’m beautiful often. Will he get more confident over time? Or will this lead to resentment?

maybe he's not an extrovert? If you are looking for a man to be like that, then maybe he's not for you.

m

He’s definitely not an extrovert that’s true. I don’t need for him to be a big talker but don’t want his confidence to shrink either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't deny that there's some correlation between partners' attractiveness or that appearances matter, but looking around, there's a huge variance. Some hunky guys with average looking women, and vice versa. (And of course, most of us are pleasant but typical looking matched with the same.) Personality matters much more.

What I don’t get is the hunky guys with all the great qualities with the unattractive, unkind, not fun woman. I know a couple like this and it just totally leaves me scratching my head. He could have any woman and he chose someone who is just straight mean and ugly. It’s so bizarre.

Lol she probably knows you talk s* about her behind her back and has no interest in you. He sees mutual great qualities in her that you don’t have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

Curious about this. I’m dating a wonderful kind man behind closed doors - great sex, he takes care of me emotionally, we have fun together. But in public he doesn’t come across very confident and definitely isn’t a high earner or have high social status. However, I am confident and in a public facing job and get told I’m beautiful often. Will he get more confident over time? Or will this lead to resentment?

maybe he's not an extrovert? If you are looking for a man to be like that, then maybe he's not for you.

m

He’s definitely not an extrovert that’s true. I don’t need for him to be a big talker but don’t want his confidence to shrink either.

he's not for you. I think he will disappoint you.

A guy I dated told me that I had too high expectations of him. To me, it wasn't high expectations, but to him it was. I've since learned that I should not expect a man to change his personality. All you do is set yourself up for disappointment.

If he's happy the way he is, then don't expect him to change. You guys just aren't compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hard for me to admit but I sometimes have a passing thought when I meet a couple and the husband appears to be a total catch! Or at least, the kind of men I’d want to be married to.

They’re fit, smart, devoted family men, high earners and emotionally mature.

I’d think on paper I’d be a good fit for men like that as I have all similar interests and goals. But! I am not as beautiful as their wives! The women they pick are definitely hotter than me and…I guess that makes all the difference?

well, there's your answer. Yes, if you were hotter, you could've probably attracted a "higher quality man". Don't you think these higher quality men attracted hot women because they were "high quality"?

Actually a lot if the types of guys that OP is describing are married to fairly plain women who have a certain suburban look— dyed blonde hair, petite, but plain faced. Not exactly “hot.” But hey, Americans have a strange definition of that that encompasses anyone who is thin with light hair.

Yes, dye your hair blond and diet yourself into a size 2 and you too can be "hot"

[Anonymous]

I just wish I had a husband who was still alive.

The grass is always greener, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course looks make all the difference.

This is OP. But, I have everything else! I am well educated, cultured and sophisticated. I dress well. I am told I am kind and empathetic and I grew up in a warm and loving family. There is every reason a high quality man should want me! Except I wasn’t born with lean long legs, great hair and a gorgeous face. I do what I can but… I am not really the prettiest girl in the room.

I was, and the guy I married who appeared to have has all the qualities you mention turned out to be abusive.