Envy of other women’s husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard for me to admit but I sometimes have a passing thought when I meet a couple and the husband appears to be a total catch! Or at least, the kind of men I’d want to be married to.

They’re fit, smart, devoted family men, high earners and emotionally mature.

I’d think on paper I’d be a good fit for men like that as I have all similar interests and goals. But! I am not as beautiful as their wives! The women they pick are definitely hotter than me and…I guess that makes all the difference?

I think it’s perfectly normal for you to recognize that you’d also like a man like you’re appreciating (and maybe a little bit imagining) those men to be.

[Anonymous]

When you share a life, home and children with someone, their looks/success/charm are nowhere near as important as whether they can empty a trashcan, pick socks up off of the floor, buy groceries and/or engage with their kids. Just because someone looks good, is charming, or makes a decent amount of $$ doesnt mean that they make a good spouse. At all. No correlation. Brad Pitt may look good but is he going to sign school forms and refill prescriptions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

Curious about this. I’m dating a wonderful kind man behind closed doors - great sex, he takes care of me emotionally, we have fun together. But in public he doesn’t come across very confident and definitely isn’t a high earner or have high social status. However, I am confident and in a public facing job and get told I’m beautiful often. Will he get more confident over time? Or will this lead to resentment?

maybe he's not an extrovert? If you are looking for a man to be like that, then maybe he's not for you.

m

He’s definitely not an extrovert that’s true. I don’t need for him to be a big talker but don’t want his confidence to shrink either.

he's not for you. I think he will disappoint you.

A guy I dated told me that I had too high expectations of him. To me, it wasn't high expectations, but to him it was. I've since learned that I should not expect a man to change his personality. All you do is set yourself up for disappointment.

If he's happy the way he is, then don't expect him to change. You guys just aren't compatible.

I think confidence is important because insecurity can lead to all kinds of issues, including resentment and competitiveness. But, confidence doesn't necessarily mean being the life of the party. He could just be a strong, silent type. Those are my favorites personally - I don't trust the guys who come into a room glad-handing and trying to charm everyone.

+1

There are DHs who are extremely charming (even if it is just one on one, and particularly with women) in person, and behind closed doors, they are horrible to live with - and not because of their wives, but because the DH is really an a-hole. You would never know it by seeing that kind of DH out and about, because he is very good at being charming. It is an art.

Stick with the guys who are not "too" friendly, but are confident in their own skin - to not try to compete with the wife and try to make her feel like crap. I have seen it, it ain't handsome. At all. If a guy thinks his wife is hotter, or he is is sensitive about his dad stomach or receding hairline, or God knows what, he will be a real a-hole behind closed doors.

This is true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you share a life, home and children with someone, their looks/success/charm are nowhere near as important as whether they can empty a trashcan, pick socks up off of the floor, buy groceries and/or engage with their kids. Just because someone looks good, is charming, or makes a decent amount of $$ doesnt mean that they make a good spouse. At all. No correlation. Brad Pitt may look good but is he going to sign school forms and refill prescriptions?

Preach!

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time being around my friend's husbands because I hate them all so much. Even if she swears up and down that he is the most emotionally mature and respectful feminist man to ever grace the earth, he repulses me. I can find glaring faults with all of them. I've had my children and I own a hitachi wan. Men are useless to me now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hot, rich, and family minded/faithful?

You gotta pick 2 out of 3. The number of men who are all 3 is vanishingly small.

Honey you are lucky if you get literally one of these.

+1 seriously

Rich guys are invariably balding, paunchy, poorly dressed, and jerks at worst, workaholics at best.

Hot guys are vapid, unmotivated, looking for a mommy/a woman to take care of them and not an equal partner, and a lot of them are cheaters to boot.

Family minded/faithful is the rarest to find in men because it requires maturity and self-sacrifice, which men generally don’t have, no matter their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hot, rich, and family minded/faithful?

You gotta pick 2 out of 3. The number of men who are all 3 is vanishingly small.

Honey you are lucky if you get literally one of these.

+1 seriously

Rich guys are invariably balding, paunchy, poorly dressed, and jerks at worst, workaholics at best.

Hot guys are vapid, unmotivated, looking for a mommy/a woman to take care of them and not an equal partner, and a lot of them are cheaters to boot.

Family minded/faithful is the rarest to find in men because it requires maturity and self-sacrifice, which men generally don’t have, no matter their age.

So if you could choose only one of the above traits (all others being mediocre, not at zero), which one would you pick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on unmarried men in your league. If you take high earner and hot off of the list, you'll find many kind, mature, educated, responsible potential family men out there getting labeled as mediocre.

This is terrible, misogynistic advice.

If you marry someone you don’t find hot, they will resent the fact that you don’t want to have *a lifetime of* monogamous sex. Do not do this. It’s not fair to either of you.

If you marry someone who is going to be in a different SES than you plan for, you are going to resent the struggling, not setting your kids up, delayed retirement, etc. Money is a leading cause of marital disharmony.

OP maximize your own potential, especially earning potential. Make as much money as you reasonably can because that will keep you in the peer group of the men you are trying to attract.

Use that money to maximize your attractiveness. Spend on good clothes, good food, very high end enhancements.

Hot is usually defined as hot to majority, you can be attracted to a good woman/man and find them hot even if they aren't 10/10 on public meter.

You can. But if you don’t find your spouse hot, you’re doing every person in the marriage a disservice. Taking hot off the list is how you get a sexless marriage thread in eight years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm married to a guy like that and I am short, fat and ugly. I looked a lot better 30 years ago though.

Same except 15 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time being around my friend's husbands because I hate them all so much. Even if she swears up and down that he is the most emotionally mature and respectful feminist man to ever grace the earth, he repulses me. I can find glaring faults with all of them. I've had my children and I own a hitachi wan. Men are useless to me now.

Congratulations with being able to find faults. Very impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hot, rich, and family minded/faithful?

You gotta pick 2 out of 3. The number of men who are all 3 is vanishingly small.

Honey you are lucky if you get literally one of these.

+1 seriously

Rich guys are invariably balding, paunchy, poorly dressed, and jerks at worst, workaholics at best.

Hot guys are vapid, unmotivated, looking for a mommy/a woman to take care of them and not an equal partner, and a lot of them are cheaters to boot.

Family minded/faithful is the rarest to find in men because it requires maturity and self-sacrifice, which men generally don’t have, no matter their age.

So if you could choose only one of the above traits (all others being mediocre, not at zero), which one would you pick?

DP and I probably would have stayed single.

My own spouse is hot (not movie-star gorgeous, but he is tall, fit, and handsome) and family minded/faithful, but not rich. I wish I didn’t have to work (I’d love to be a sahm), but I wasn’t going to marry somebody I wasn’t attracted to, and I wasn’t going to marry a cheater so I figure 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Family minded/faithful is the rarest to find in men because it requires maturity and self-sacrifice, which men generally don’t have, no matter their age.

Bullshit. You are talking out of your ass & can’t remotely back up that assertion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course looks make all the difference.

This is OP. But, I have everything else! I am well educated, cultured and sophisticated. I dress well. I am told I am kind and empathetic and I grew up in a warm and loving family. There is every reason a high quality man should want me! Except I wasn’t born with lean long legs, great hair and a gorgeous face. I do what I can but… I am not really the prettiest girl in the room.

Oh honey. Look, I’m not going to tell you that looks are the only thing that matters. It’s complicated. But my completely subjective opinion based on a lifetime of interactions with males is that it’s probably like 95%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time being around my friend's husbands because I hate them all so much. Even if she swears up and down that he is the most emotionally mature and respectful feminist man to ever grace the earth, he repulses me. I can find glaring faults with all of them. I've had my children and I own a hitachi wan. Men are useless to me now.

Congratulations with being able to find faults. Very impressive.

+1. Has this person looked in the mirror?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emphasis on "culture and sophisticated" is not what most people look for in a partner. Most people want a good life, not showing off for the public.

Well my DH cared quite a bit about accomplishments and was very clear about wanting a highly educated mate who would commit to raising high-achieving children. Part of what he was looking for was "cultured and sophisticated."

Do you believe that your egalitarian husband would have picked you if you were 50 pounds heavier or were stricken with terrible acne but everything else was the same?