Are mean kids happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hurt people hurt people is so true. They may appear happy, but have underlying issues they will most likely need to address soon or in the future.

Some people are experts at avoiding addressing their issues, and IME queen bees are often among the best. To be a queen bee, you have to have layers and layers of power that enable you to excuse your bad behavior. Usually they have some external source of power, like they are very beautiful or they are very rich (or their family is rich and can buy beauty, or they are beautiful and they can use it to get rich). Then you use that to gather a gaggle of acolytes and supporters, and those people defend you and attack anyone who questions your behavior.

Another interesting thing I've noticed with aging queen bees is that they will also eventually claim to have some kind of mental health issue that they can point to as an excuse for bad behavior. And they may even have these issues! But they use it to justify treating others poorly. You see this a lot with influencers -- as they age and get called on crap more, they'll suddenly be like "it turns out my tendency to lie is due to my ADHD" or "yes, I behaved poorly when I was drinking but now I'm sober" or whatever. And there is even some truth to it, but the thing is that they are using it to avoid taking any responsibility. It's never "wow I'm so sorry for the harm I caused before I was treating my anxiety or sobered up," it's always "everyone please feel sorry for how hard life is for me because I have this condition." It looks like reflection and growth if you squint, but in the end it's the same old thing -- manipulation and justifying bad behavior because of their "specialness."

So yeah, queen bees have issues. Everyone has issues. But sort of a defining feature of a queen bee, or anyone who is willing to manipulate and exploit to stay on top, is that they will never take responsibility for their issues. It's always someone else's fault. They are inherently good and people who don't like them are inherently bad. Admitting otherwise would be to admit that they are just like everyone else, and their entire self-conception is premised on the idea that they are better than everyone else.

+1

Well said. OP - look up narcissism.

[Anonymous]

I think you're asking the wrong question.

I don't think mean kids or mean adults have real, deep, or meaningful relationships. Their relationships are a fear-based dynamic where the mean person is deferred to or avoided or tolerated and certainly not trusted. There is some dynamic where other people feel stuck (usually kids feel this way because the person has social capital) or obligated (adults can feel this way if the person is a family member or spouse). Who cares if the men person is "happy" because they are living the life they've created, which seems like a sad life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

Just wondering which school district this is happening in?

Why? Does it matter?

+1

Could be any school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

Just wondering which school district this is happening in?

Seriously? there is one in every school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking the wrong question.

I don't think mean kids or mean adults have real, deep, or meaningful relationships. Their relationships are a fear-based dynamic where the mean person is deferred to or avoided or tolerated and certainly not trusted. There is some dynamic where other people feel stuck (usually kids feel this way because the person has social capital) or obligated (adults can feel this way if the person is a family member or spouse). Who cares if the men person is "happy" because they are living the life they've created, which seems like a sad life.

+1

The adult mean girls (AMG) are not happy, are extremely neurotic and narcissistic, and need to control the narrative desperately. Other adult humans (usually women) are the AMG "friends"/followers because they know that the AMG wrath is relentless, and the AMG storytelling about others is hyperbolic. Consequently, people tend to stay on the AMG good side, to avoid inevitable AMG fall out - not if, but when it happens. If you watch a shrewdness of chimps, they behave in much the same primitive manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

Just wondering which school district this is happening in?

Seriously? there is one in every school

+1

The apple does not fall from the tree. High maintenance mother = high maintenance daughter.

[Anonymous]

My child can be mean. We have been getting her therapy for a few years now. Her brain works differently. She has no filter or impulse control. She doesn’t seem to have a personal understanding of her impact. She is not diagnosed with a personality disorder or considered on the spectrum. I am not so sure.

We work with the school to ensure she has minimal impact on other students but I suspect at some point she will need a different learning environment.

I think we need a new therapist tbh

I’m sorry your child is being bullied. I don’t think bullies are happy, they are often detached/disassociated or victims themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hurt people hurt people is so true. They may appear happy, but have underlying issues they will most likely need to address soon or in the future.

Some people are experts at avoiding addressing their issues, and IME queen bees are often among the best. To be a queen bee, you have to have layers and layers of power that enable you to excuse your bad behavior. Usually they have some external source of power, like they are very beautiful or they are very rich (or their family is rich and can buy beauty, or they are beautiful and they can use it to get rich). Then you use that to gather a gaggle of acolytes and supporters, and those people defend you and attack anyone who questions your behavior.

Another interesting thing I've noticed with aging queen bees is that they will also eventually claim to have some kind of mental health issue that they can point to as an excuse for bad behavior. And they may even have these issues! But they use it to justify treating others poorly. You see this a lot with influencers -- as they age and get called on crap more, they'll suddenly be like "it turns out my tendency to lie is due to my ADHD" or "yes, I behaved poorly when I was drinking but now I'm sober" or whatever. And there is even some truth to it, but the thing is that they are using it to avoid taking any responsibility. It's never "wow I'm so sorry for the harm I caused before I was treating my anxiety or sobered up," it's always "everyone please feel sorry for how hard life is for me because I have this condition." It looks like reflection and growth if you squint, but in the end it's the same old thing -- manipulation and justifying bad behavior because of their "specialness."

So yeah, queen bees have issues. Everyone has issues. But sort of a defining feature of a queen bee, or anyone who is willing to manipulate and exploit to stay on top, is that they will never take responsibility for their issues. It's always someone else's fault. They are inherently good and people who don't like them are inherently bad. Admitting otherwise would be to admit that they are just like everyone else, and their entire self-conception is premised on the idea that they are better than everyone else.

+1

Well said. OP - look up narcissism.

Op here--this is very eye opening to me, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

There are many sides to every story. Just because you think your DD is an angel and that those girls are bullies doesn’t mean that that’s even close to the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

There are many sides to every story. Just because you think your DD is an angel and that those girls are bullies doesn’t mean that that’s even close to the case.

I knew someone would say this. My dd wishes there had been a fight or a reason, she has wracked her brain for months to figure out why this girl turned mean to her. And other kids have had this happen to them by the same girl. I don't think my kid is an angel all the time, but she's a pretty nice kid and would never have said or done something to hurt that girl, she wanted to maintain the friendship, so I really doubt this is the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child can be mean. We have been getting her therapy for a few years now. Her brain works differently. She has no filter or impulse control. She doesn’t seem to have a personal understanding of her impact. She is not diagnosed with a personality disorder or considered on the spectrum. I am not so sure.

We work with the school to ensure she has minimal impact on other students but I suspect at some point she will need a different learning environment.

I think we need a new therapist tbh

I’m sorry your child is being bullied. I don’t think bullies are happy, they are often detached/disassociated or victims themselves.

Op here. I'm sorry you're struggling, too. I hope you figure out the best treatment for your child. Parenting is hard for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anyone notice how the mean girl’s friends are never as pretty or as rich as her? She purposefully selects her entourage to be people who appear inferior to her in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone notice how the mean girl’s friends are never as pretty or as rich as her? She purposefully selects her entourage to be people who appear inferior to her in some way.

This is definitely a real phenomenon and also reminds me of something else.

The stereotype of the "mean girl" is that they bully the shy, nerdy, unpopular kids. And that does happen sometimes. But what seems to be more common is that mean girls will go after peers they view to be threats. The new girl with nice hair who is good at volleyball, or the kid in class who gets straight As, wants to go to med school, and seems sure of herself. I have noticed that mean girls are more likely to express dislike for, spread rumors about, or attempt to exclude someone like that. And as an outsider, it seems pretty obvious that it stems from insecurity -- they view those people as threats and seek to undermine their potential power.

Another phenomenon I've seen is how easily someone becomes what they are accused of being in these social dynamics. I coached a popular recreational activity for middle-school age kids for a while, and I remember watching this happen sometimes. A kid would get singled out for being "weird" even though, from my perspective, all the kids are at least a little weird in some way or another (puberty does that to you). And it's like the more kids said this about someone, the more weird they appeared. They'd just withdraw into themselves. This age makes it especially easy to apply labels to someone and have them stick, or just intimidate them into being what you insist they are. It's really frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hurt people hurt people is so true. They may appear happy, but have underlying issues they will most likely need to address soon or in the future.

Some people are experts at avoiding addressing their issues, and IME queen bees are often among the best. To be a queen bee, you have to have layers and layers of power that enable you to excuse your bad behavior. Usually they have some external source of power, like they are very beautiful or they are very rich (or their family is rich and can buy beauty, or they are beautiful and they can use it to get rich). Then you use that to gather a gaggle of acolytes and supporters, and those people defend you and attack anyone who questions your behavior.

Another interesting thing I've noticed with aging queen bees is that they will also eventually claim to have some kind of mental health issue that they can point to as an excuse for bad behavior. And they may even have these issues! But they use it to justify treating others poorly. You see this a lot with influencers -- as they age and get called on crap more, they'll suddenly be like "it turns out my tendency to lie is due to my ADHD" or "yes, I behaved poorly when I was drinking but now I'm sober" or whatever. And there is even some truth to it, but the thing is that they are using it to avoid taking any responsibility. It's never "wow I'm so sorry for the harm I caused before I was treating my anxiety or sobered up," it's always "everyone please feel sorry for how hard life is for me because I have this condition." It looks like reflection and growth if you squint, but in the end it's the same old thing -- manipulation and justifying bad behavior because of their "specialness."

So yeah, queen bees have issues. Everyone has issues. But sort of a defining feature of a queen bee, or anyone who is willing to manipulate and exploit to stay on top, is that they will never take responsibility for their issues. It's always someone else's fault. They are inherently good and people who don't like them are inherently bad. Admitting otherwise would be to admit that they are just like everyone else, and their entire self-conception is premised on the idea that they are better than everyone else.

Influencers are aging queen bees? Huh? Or are you one of those people obsessed with Chrissy Teigan?

A lot of influencers are queen bees, yes. I mean, the whole point of an influencer is to be someone with followers who influences others to dress, eat, decorate, parent, etc., the same way they do. That's basically just professionalizing the queen bee dynamic.