Are mean kids happy?

[Anonymous]

My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

[Anonymous]

IME yeah, they’re happy as long as things are going the way they want them to. Usually easily annoyed, though. Bullies are often regular people who can’t handle it when people don’t act the way they think they should, and they have the social capital to eff with that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME yeah, they’re happy as long as things are going the way they want them to. Usually easily annoyed, though. Bullies are often regular people who can’t handle it when people don’t act the way they think they should, and they have the social capital to eff with that person.

Social capital--that makes complete sense. They are confident and charismatic so they can pull it off.

[Anonymous]

She will do what she needs to do to exert control and feel control. She is dependent on that control for her own security. I would not look at it as a mean desire so much as a malfunction but certainly nothing your dd needs to entertain. It's better to notice, extricate and try to let go of the need for acceptance from that type. It can be exhausting to deal with. She's going against niceties and empathy because it works for her to push those boundaries, especially when those around her continue to work with the perimeters of rational behavior.

[Anonymous]

Hurt people hurt people is so true. They may appear happy, but have underlying issues they will most likely need to address soon or in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hurt people hurt people is so true. They may appear happy, but have underlying issues they will most likely need to address soon or in the future.

Some people are experts at avoiding addressing their issues, and IME queen bees are often among the best. To be a queen bee, you have to have layers and layers of power that enable you to excuse your bad behavior. Usually they have some external source of power, like they are very beautiful or they are very rich (or their family is rich and can buy beauty, or they are beautiful and they can use it to get rich). Then you use that to gather a gaggle of acolytes and supporters, and those people defend you and attack anyone who questions your behavior.

Another interesting thing I've noticed with aging queen bees is that they will also eventually claim to have some kind of mental health issue that they can point to as an excuse for bad behavior. And they may even have these issues! But they use it to justify treating others poorly. You see this a lot with influencers -- as they age and get called on crap more, they'll suddenly be like "it turns out my tendency to lie is due to my ADHD" or "yes, I behaved poorly when I was drinking but now I'm sober" or whatever. And there is even some truth to it, but the thing is that they are using it to avoid taking any responsibility. It's never "wow I'm so sorry for the harm I caused before I was treating my anxiety or sobered up," it's always "everyone please feel sorry for how hard life is for me because I have this condition." It looks like reflection and growth if you squint, but in the end it's the same old thing -- manipulation and justifying bad behavior because of their "specialness."

So yeah, queen bees have issues. Everyone has issues. But sort of a defining feature of a queen bee, or anyone who is willing to manipulate and exploit to stay on top, is that they will never take responsibility for their issues. It's always someone else's fault. They are inherently good and people who don't like them are inherently bad. Admitting otherwise would be to admit that they are just like everyone else, and their entire self-conception is premised on the idea that they are better than everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Shame, fear, need for power and control...definitely not happiness. Narcissism is a key factor in bullying (this is with adults but starts younger than that). This article goes more in depth: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/all-bullies-are-narcissists/281407/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hurt people hurt people is so true. They may appear happy, but have underlying issues they will most likely need to address soon or in the future.

Some people are experts at avoiding addressing their issues, and IME queen bees are often among the best. To be a queen bee, you have to have layers and layers of power that enable you to excuse your bad behavior. Usually they have some external source of power, like they are very beautiful or they are very rich (or their family is rich and can buy beauty, or they are beautiful and they can use it to get rich). Then you use that to gather a gaggle of acolytes and supporters, and those people defend you and attack anyone who questions your behavior.

Another interesting thing I've noticed with aging queen bees is that they will also eventually claim to have some kind of mental health issue that they can point to as an excuse for bad behavior. And they may even have these issues! But they use it to justify treating others poorly. You see this a lot with influencers -- as they age and get called on crap more, they'll suddenly be like "it turns out my tendency to lie is due to my ADHD" or "yes, I behaved poorly when I was drinking but now I'm sober" or whatever. And there is even some truth to it, but the thing is that they are using it to avoid taking any responsibility. It's never "wow I'm so sorry for the harm I caused before I was treating my anxiety or sobered up," it's always "everyone please feel sorry for how hard life is for me because I have this condition." It looks like reflection and growth if you squint, but in the end it's the same old thing -- manipulation and justifying bad behavior because of their "specialness."

So yeah, queen bees have issues. Everyone has issues. But sort of a defining feature of a queen bee, or anyone who is willing to manipulate and exploit to stay on top, is that they will never take responsibility for their issues. It's always someone else's fault. They are inherently good and people who don't like them are inherently bad. Admitting otherwise would be to admit that they are just like everyone else, and their entire self-conception is premised on the idea that they are better than everyone else.

Influencers are aging queen bees? Huh? Or are you one of those people obsessed with Chrissy Teigan?

[Anonymous]

Not happy. But may not be self aware enough to know they’re unhappy.

[Anonymous]

No. They're miserable people.

[Anonymous]

Does it matter? As long as the meanies aren’t messing with my kid I don’t care what they are .
I have noticed that many kind, sweet kids come off as naive and not very smart even, so unfortunately they tend to be the targets… just a sad dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

Just wondering which school district this is happening in?

[Anonymous]

Is anyone happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

Just wondering which school district this is happening in?

Why? Does it matter?

[Anonymous]

The district I am in doesn’t have a lot of mean/bullying behavior and it’s smaller district and we have not been having many issues so - just wondering