Teen ruining her College chances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to get over your dream schools, OP. She wasn't likely to get in anyway. It was always a long shot.

You don't want to hear this, and probably cannot process it at this stage, but it is far better for her to develop a strong social sense of self, have fun and friendships, and feel in control of her own life than is is to go to any particular college. A happy, confident, smart kid from a middling college will be more successful than a depressed, burned out, resentful kid with no social circle from Harvard.

I completely agree. It's sad that so many parents have such a narrow definition of success and are motivated by fear/anxiety. Such dramatic language from the OP!

There's nothing wrong with having requirements/boundaries with teens but they should be coming from a place of encouraging healthy choices and learning lifeskills - not getting into a big name college, especially if that's YOUR idea and not your DC's.

[Anonymous]

Does she have access to Naviance through her school? It's easy enough to check the stats of admitted students to her "dream school." Could be a wake-up call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is also having a hard time managing her time on her electronics. I want to take them away but my husband wants her to learn.

Learning by osmosis ("they'll figure it out eventually") doesn't work for every teen, or for every skill. Electronics are designed for the user to lose track of time. An electronics detox is not a bad short term solution. But you and DH should think about how to teach her to manage her electronics time.

[Anonymous]

Is she in honors track or classes?

At my kids' school, the work habits and mindset of those in their peer group seem to help them have desire to do well. The school doesn't let anyone into AP courses--you need a teacher req. and there are prerequisites, and some even require a writing sample.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is also having a hard time managing her time on her electronics. I want to take them away but my husband wants her to learn.

Learning by osmosis ("they'll figure it out eventually") doesn't work for every teen, or for every skill. Electronics are designed for the user to lose track of time. An electronics detox is not a bad short term solution. But you and DH should think about how to teach her to manage her electronics time.

Agree with this. How are you helping her learn? Because she doesn't seem to be doing it on her own. You have a couple of years of scaffolding you can do before you leaving her to her own devices, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

I can now speak from experience...
My adhd daughter, also smart, just blew her first year of college. She did ok first semester and bombed second semester. She will not be going back in the fall.
She got pretty good SAT scores, but school was always a struggle keeping on top of work (that ADHD again...) Shockingly, she got into almost every school she applied to and even chose one that was not a reach, one where she was above the 75% for test scores, good schoool (think ranked in the 50-100 range). Still bombed.
We knew she was a risk, but she really wanted to try. If your daughter isn't into it, she won't be successful at any school - even your or her dream school.

[Anonymous]

There are nearly 4000 colleges and universities in the US. She’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are nearly 4000 colleges and universities in the US. She’ll be fine.

And she won't be successful at any of them if she doesn't have her sh*t together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are nearly 4000 colleges and universities in the US. She’ll be fine.

What does “fine” even mean? You can’t assume people will be fine. People are struggling all over the country, pay is low, expenses are high, and the truth is go-getters do better. So if a parent has a kid who is a slacker, of course they’re going to be concerned. It’s natural to be worried in the economic environment. Is their future cemented if they’re a high school slacker? No of course not. We all know many slackers who ended up being quite successful! However, it’s also true that many slackers have stayed slackers, and many hustlers have gone on to do very very well for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are nearly 4000 colleges and universities in the US. She’ll be fine.

Plus, this number increases dramatically when trade schools are added in.

[Anonymous]

my DD GPA is now 2.1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are nearly 4000 colleges and universities in the US. She’ll be fine.

What does “fine” even mean? You can’t assume people will be fine. People are struggling all over the country, pay is low, expenses are high, and the truth is go-getters do better. So if a parent has a kid who is a slacker, of course they’re going to be concerned. It’s natural to be worried in the economic environment. Is their future cemented if they’re a high school slacker? No of course not. We all know many slackers who ended up being quite successful! However, it’s also true that many slackers have stayed slackers, and many hustlers have gone on to do very very well for themselves.

I think seeing a kid who doesn't do their homework as a slacker is off. Sure, maybe they are a slacker. But they may also be working hard at things they value, and not working at things they think are (in the immortal words of Holden Caulfied) phony. School and all its nonsense is phony. Friends, relationships, sports, whatever - that is real to teens. At some point they will grow up, and start being motivated by needing to not eat cat food, but the adult-imposed world can make a kid pretty cynical. They check out. That kid has every change of being successful in time. Just back off a bit and stop trying to tell them what they should care about.

Regardless, you can't make a slacker into a go-getter. Your kid is who they are. You can tinker around the edges, use rewards and consequences to make sure they do their homework, but that won't turn a slacker into a go-getter. So why ruin a relationship trying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to get over your dream schools, OP. She wasn't likely to get in anyway. It was always a long shot.

You don't want to hear this, and probably cannot process it at this stage, but it is far better for her to develop a strong social sense of self, have fun and friendships, and feel in control of her own life than is is to go to any particular college. A happy, confident, smart kid from a middling college will be more successful than a depressed, burned out, resentful kid with no social circle from Harvard.

Oh come on, this is a ridiculous assertion on any kind of generalized level.

I agree with the PP. The posts in this forum are getting increasingly chilling. Any teen that deviates a bit from perfection is recommended for medical intervention by the third or fourth reply.

And it's no more a ridiculous generalization than saying that a straight-A student whose grades a slipping "slightly" is "ruining" her college chances.

[Anonymous]

My oldest (11th grade boy) has serious ADHD to the point that he had an IEP.

My middle child (9th grade girl) is now showing signs but she has been able to get by through middle school without anyone raising and concerns. Once we had her screened my heart broke to see what she has been struggling with.

Please ask you daughter if she would be OK with a screening so that you can support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is a smart kid and tested highly on every single test. However, her social life is taking over and her grades are falling (not terribly but a little). We've had endless talks about this. She says she is going to do better but it is not improving. A tutor would not help because she is not struggling with the content. She is struggling with remembering to hand assignments on time and when tests are scheduled. She is also having a hard time managing her time on her electronics. I want to take them away but my husband wants her to learn. It is true that in 2 years, she will be in college and no one will be there to remove her electronics.
She had great College potential but now, she is ruining it. She will get somewhere, just not what she could have had. I just know that when it will be time to apply to Colleges, she will be shocked by how competitive it is and her dream College will be out of her grade reach. I have expressed it to her but she says it is not true and she refuses to talk to the College application officer at her school.
I'll take all advice...

This sounds like a parenting issue. You need to tell her no social life until her homework/schoolwork is turned in and verify it's turned in. Yes, you restrict/take away her electronics. She needs the support.