Teen ruining her College chances

[Anonymous]

My daughter is a smart kid and tested highly on every single test. However, her social life is taking over and her grades are falling (not terribly but a little). We've had endless talks about this. She says she is going to do better but it is not improving. A tutor would not help because she is not struggling with the content. She is struggling with remembering to hand assignments on time and when tests are scheduled. She is also having a hard time managing her time on her electronics. I want to take them away but my husband wants her to learn. It is true that in 2 years, she will be in college and no one will be there to remove her electronics.
She had great College potential but now, she is ruining it. She will get somewhere, just not what she could have had. I just know that when it will be time to apply to Colleges, she will be shocked by how competitive it is and her dream College will be out of her grade reach. I have expressed it to her but she says it is not true and she refuses to talk to the College application officer at her school.
I'll take all advice...

[Anonymous]

You are going to have to get over your dream schools, OP. She wasn't likely to get in anyway. It was always a long shot.

You don't want to hear this, and probably cannot process it at this stage, but it is far better for her to develop a strong social sense of self, have fun and friendships, and feel in control of her own life than is is to go to any particular college. A happy, confident, smart kid from a middling college will be more successful than a depressed, burned out, resentful kid with no social circle from Harvard.

[Anonymous]

If you micromanage this, she may get into a college where she can't succeed because she is too focused on social stuff and can't balance her time. Better to learn balance now and get into a school that's a good fit.

[Anonymous]

What aspects of her social life are taking over? This is somewhere parents can exert some control. You can say until grades are back to baseline, you aren't doing x,y,z. And while I agree with your husband that she won't have anyone to restrict her phone use in college, that doesn't mean you don't do it now. She also won't have anyone to oversee her alcohol use in college, but that doesn't mean you allow her to drink now.

She's clearly distracted by something -- be it the phone, running around with friends, maybe a boyfriend? -- so something should change. Her phone doesn't even have to be taken away, but limited. Perhaps she doesn't get to use it until she's finished all homework and has checked for all assignments. Or she gets it for a specified amount of time a day. Or it's turned in at a certain time at night. I've had to do all of these things with my kids from time to time, e.g., when my son was in high school I had to figure out how to turn our wifi off at a certain time each night, after I caught him more than once playing Fortnite at 2am on a school night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What aspects of her social life are taking over? This is somewhere parents can exert some control. You can say until grades are back to baseline, you aren't doing x,y,z. And while I agree with your husband that she won't have anyone to restrict her phone use in college, that doesn't mean you don't do it now. She also won't have anyone to oversee her alcohol use in college, but that doesn't mean you allow her to drink now.

She's clearly distracted by something -- be it the phone, running around with friends, maybe a boyfriend? -- so something should change. Her phone doesn't even have to be taken away, but limited. Perhaps she doesn't get to use it until she's finished all homework and has checked for all assignments. Or she gets it for a specified amount of time a day. Or it's turned in at a certain time at night. I've had to do all of these things with my kids from time to time, e.g., when my son was in high school I had to figure out how to turn our wifi off at a certain time each night, after I caught him more than once playing Fortnite at 2am on a school night.

And I say this not to get her into a top college. But to put a halt to a potential continued downward trend on grades and to establish some stronger discipline before going to college.

Any college doesn't want to see grades slipping as time goes on in HS, and putting aside the dream of a "great" school, it can affect merit scholarships at any school as well.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a bright child whose ADHD has finally caught up with her. My son has severe ADHD and his forgetfulness and tendency to get lost in preferred activities was apparent from the start of elementary school, but your child's situation is much more common.

If you want to explore the ADHD part and get her treated and possibly medicated, you need to act fast to get an evaluation from one of the area's reputable psychologists who do this. The best ones have waiting lists.

You can also hire an executive functioning coach, but they're very expensive, and you can do the same job yourself: sit her down, explain her struggles to control her time on activities she likes, and her struggles with remembering to hand in assignments and remember tests. Review her use of a planner (paper or digital). Remind her to check her planner daily, and/or the teachers' pages on her school platform, if her school system reliably uses one to post assignments and deadlines. Check every day that she does these things. Help her manage her electronics. Electronics stay downstairs at night. If she needs to work on her laptop and she's the kind to watch videos on another tab or chat online, there's very little you can do for that, unless you want to breathe down her neck all the time, which isn't a great way to segue into college life.

Essentially there is no way to do any of this without both her buy-in, and a brain that isn't constantly distracted by untreated ADHD! She sounds as if she's willing, but her brain is working against her, so that's why I'm suggesting an evaluation and treatment. This isn't so much a question of college admissions, since she can get into a no-name college with poor grades - it's a question of how functional she'll be once IN college, without your help.

[Anonymous]

Is her social circle healthy? Is she happy? Or are they using drugs, drinking? My answer depends on all of this. I think students can be happy and social, and also do reasonably well in school. If she’s getting As and Bs, I would not worry. If she’s getting Cs because her social life is always taking precedence, time for a sit-down talk in what she can expect for college. If she’s okay with community college, or non-flagship state college then that’s good.

[Anonymous]

My son is similar. And to address a PP, we’ve had him assessed recently for ADHD and they said he has some traits, but in general it’s simply an issue of motivation. If he wanted to invest more effort in school he could summon the focus, but since he cares about other things more…he doesn’t.

I bet my kids grades are lower than you are dealing with - his grades are a mix of Bs and Cs with As in art. He will probably end up at a non-flagship state school. I’ve had to wrestle with my own snobbery to become okay with that. He is okay with that! And it’s his life. When we told him that community college is on the table if he can’t get his grades up he shrugged and said “it’s still college, right?”

It does drive me bonkers, but he is a lovely human being, beloved by friends, teachers, and coaches. I hold on to that, knowing he’ll be okay in the long run. Relationships are more important than credentials for human happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to get over your dream schools, OP. She wasn't likely to get in anyway. It was always a long shot.

You don't want to hear this, and probably cannot process it at this stage, but it is far better for her to develop a strong social sense of self, have fun and friendships, and feel in control of her own life than is is to go to any particular college. A happy, confident, smart kid from a middling college will be more successful than a depressed, burned out, resentful kid with no social circle from Harvard.

Oh come on, this is a ridiculous assertion on any kind of generalized level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to get over your dream schools, OP. She wasn't likely to get in anyway. It was always a long shot.

You don't want to hear this, and probably cannot process it at this stage, but it is far better for her to develop a strong social sense of self, have fun and friendships, and feel in control of her own life than is is to go to any particular college. A happy, confident, smart kid from a middling college will be more successful than a depressed, burned out, resentful kid with no social circle from Harvard.

Oh come on, this is a ridiculous assertion on any kind of generalized level.

I agree with the PP. The posts in this forum are getting increasingly chilling. Any teen that deviates a bit from perfection is recommended for medical intervention by the third or fourth reply.

[Anonymous]

If she drops to a C for an end of the year grad in any subject, she does not take the same high track in that subject next year, imo. For B's she/you live with. it. She lives with the results and becomes who she's going to be. And you love her (of course you will!) anyway.

[Anonymous]

There are some "natural consequences" that I would allow to happen.. forget a jacket, forget lunch, forget to pay for a trip...

But, not college. That is too important.

As for her assurance that she thinks she can get into xyz college of her choice.. well, it *could* happen I suppose... but.. my magnet kid with super high stats got rejected to T15 (granted, it was for CS). Just read the college forum here, or reddit about how super high stat kids are getting rejected.

She doesn't *have* to go to a top tier college, but even some of the flagship state universities are getting harder and harder to get into, even with highish stats.

I would take away her phone until she can show that she is responsible with her phone and get her grades back up. Reduce the data she's allowed, for example, or cut the data off completely. You can block the IP on her phone on the router so that she cannot use wifi either. She can make calls, but not get any data. I believe an iphone uses data for text (I think, I use an android so not completely sure).

I know that my magnet kid is super smart, and if their grades slip, it's because they are being lazy not because they don't understand the material. If they start sliding, I'd take away certain privileges. For my DC, that would be the car. As a matter of fact, DC was supposed to do something for the college app, and they kept procrastinating. I put my foot down, and told DC they cannot go out or use the car until that thing was completed, which they finally did.

[Anonymous]

Our youngest in high school isn't as motivated to study hard as the older siblings now in college at competitive colleges. We have told our younger that we expect As and Bs, but please no Cs on report cards to keep your options a bit more open. Kid is delivering on that. I'll take it. You have to meet your kids where they are as teens nearing adulthood. This kid is just more chill than older siblings who were more tightly wound about their academics. I have quietly accepted that this kid likely will not be getting into a few state flagships, but will land somewhere. Potentially even a year of community college in order to mature a bit more before transferring to a four-year university. I have decided to make these last years of our K-12 years enjoyable. I want to enjoy the experience while it lasts.

Who knows? Our youngest may end up the most successful in life, and older siblings are asking them for a loan. Life is weird that way.

[Anonymous]

Take her on some college tours.

We went on some college tours with our Junior over spring break and our Freshmen son was with us so he got to hear directly from the Admissions officers on what type of grades are needed to be admitted.

Freshmen has some schools he really likes---and I remind him that he needs to stay on top of grades to have a chance at them. He is a major procrastinator (unlike his older brother), and as a Sophomore with the workload that is going to increase and the courses becoming more complex what he is doing this year and still managing to pull out As is not going to work--not even close.

We know when he says he's studying in his room on his laptop---he's goofing off on it. He already has to plug his iphone in the kitchen and has time to check messages-but it doesn't stay in his room. We started having him bring his laptop downstairs and making him do some of the work at the kitchen table.

Both kids play sports (high school and club) and know that grades come first. My younger one is continually told to get his HW done before he goes to practices (7-8:30) because he is not going to start it at 9pm.

[Anonymous]

Is there any chance she’s been masking executive function issues and they’re only allowing coming to light now that she has a serious courseload + personal life to manage?