Taking custody of my 10 year old nephew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know your nephew? Meaning, have you had regular contact with him? Any special needs? Health issues? Do you have a spouse? Does the child have behavior problems? Is the father in the picture at all?

I've only seen a few times and he seemed like a good normal kid with no major health issues, No i don't have a spouse, Neither of his parents can pass a drug test so they won't have any involvement.

Whether that is true depends a lot on which state it is and the specific judge and social workers involved, among other things. I wouldn't assume that is the case.

[Anonymous]

Its an amazing gift to give but also a lot of work and for a long time. Agree with preemptive therapists for you and for him. Ask for all the help and services and work closely with CPS and school counselors.

[Anonymous]

Does your neighborhood school mainly serve middle upper class students or lower middle class to poorer students? While it may seem better to send him to the more affluent neighborhood public school there are often way more services available at poorer schools like free after school care, priority and information about free summer programs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be hard, but you should do it anyway. If you post what state you are in, I might be able to post resources. One thing to consider is whether he will be in foster care and placed with you, or if he will be placed with you in lieu of going into foster care. The difference matters for how much oversight cps has over you and him, but also what benefits you and he might qualify for (Medicaid, monthly funds, discounts on college tuition, etc.). It will be hard but if it were my niece or nephew I would definitely try it.

I am in Kentucky, He was in a foster home for 2 days before i was contacted and then he was moved to my home yesterday on a temporary bases awaiting a permanent decision.

[Anonymous]

whether he is in foster care and placed with you or voluntarily placed with you to avoid foster care will also have big implications for who decides what happens if his parents want him back. If he is not being placed with you through CPS, you may want to talk with a family lawyer to have an agreement drafted that you and the kid's parents can sign. This will be very important if you need to seek medical care for him or make educational decisions.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that the goal of foster care is reunification with biological parents. The parents will be given chance after chance. Just because they're drug addicts doesn't mean they won't go to rehab and then stay clean for long enough to get him back. That will be the case until/unless parental rights are terminated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be hard, but you should do it anyway. If you post what state you are in, I might be able to post resources. One thing to consider is whether he will be in foster care and placed with you, or if he will be placed with you in lieu of going into foster care. The difference matters for how much oversight cps has over you and him, but also what benefits you and he might qualify for (Medicaid, monthly funds, discounts on college tuition, etc.). It will be hard but if it were my niece or nephew I would definitely try it.

I am in Kentucky, He was in a foster home for 2 days before i was contacted and then he was moved to my home yesterday on a temporary bases awaiting a permanent decision.

How's it going?

My advice is have the social worker help you find therapy for both of you, connect with the school immediately, take FMLA, and if at all possible work with your job to adjust your schedule to work form home or be home before and after school (unsupervised kids at this age are dicey...maybe not in 5th grade but once they hit middle school). Ask your principal to set you up with a family or two who can show you around. Be blunt and ask for someone from similar financial resources who is kind, maybe with the same interests as your nephew if you know what those are (doesn't help if you are middle class and they are doing fencing and suzuki).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be hard, but you should do it anyway. If you post what state you are in, I might be able to post resources. One thing to consider is whether he will be in foster care and placed with you, or if he will be placed with you in lieu of going into foster care. The difference matters for how much oversight cps has over you and him, but also what benefits you and he might qualify for (Medicaid, monthly funds, discounts on college tuition, etc.). It will be hard but if it were my niece or nephew I would definitely try it.

I am in Kentucky, He was in a foster home for 2 days before i was contacted and then he was moved to my home yesterday on a temporary bases awaiting a permanent decision.

How's it going?

My advice is have the social worker help you find therapy for both of you, connect with the school immediately, take FMLA, and if at all possible work with your job to adjust your schedule to work form home or be home before and after school (unsupervised kids at this age are dicey...maybe not in 5th grade but once they hit middle school). Ask your principal to set you up with a family or two who can show you around. Be blunt and ask for someone from similar financial resources who is kind, maybe with the same interests as your nephew if you know what those are (doesn't help if you are middle class and they are doing fencing and suzuki).

It's going good actually, He spent his first day here riding my old bike around and hanging out with my next door neighbors kids.

[Anonymous]

You're doing an amazing think, OP.
I can't imagine any scenario where I'd let my nieces or nephews enter foster care, and I'm so glad you're doing this for your nephew.

As others have said, make sure to get all the help you can both from his new school and from the social worker.

[Anonymous]

Supportive thoughts to you OP! Hope it goes well for both of you. Hard to suddenly have a child to care for but would also be hard to have a relative enter foster care.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine did this for her nephew when he was that age and it was best thing that could have happened. I second the idea of working with a family therapist. I would tell nephew that you want both of you to go to the family therapist so that you can be a good team together. That will keep him from internalizing that something is "wrong" with him---kids in his situation often blame themselves for the problems in their parents' lives. If you can afford it---get him a tutor to help get him back on track academically. Lots of teachers will supplement their income this way. They can clue you in quickly regarding whether he has any special learning challenges besides those associated with the attendance lag.

Read "The Connected Child" and "Attaching to your older adopted child' and similar type readings to get ideas on how to build a strong relationship with him (they apply to your situation as well as adoption). Figure out things to do together--board games, card games, cooking together, hiking, bike riding---do activities together to build rapport. And go tell him good night each night---kids are often at their most communicative just before dropping off to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine did this for her nephew when he was that age and it was best thing that could have happened. I second the idea of working with a family therapist. I would tell nephew that you want both of you to go to the family therapist so that you can be a good team together. That will keep him from internalizing that something is "wrong" with him---kids in his situation often blame themselves for the problems in their parents' lives. If you can afford it---get him a tutor to help get him back on track academically. Lots of teachers will supplement their income this way. They can clue you in quickly regarding whether he has any special learning challenges besides those associated with the attendance lag.

Read "The Connected Child" and "Attaching to your older adopted child' and similar type readings to get ideas on how to build a strong relationship with him (they apply to your situation as well as adoption). Figure out things to do together--board games, card games, cooking together, hiking, bike riding---do activities together to build rapport. And go tell him good night each night---kids are often at their most communicative just before dropping off to sleep.

I was planning on talking with one of my old teachers about this, She is still working at the school and she was always good with me despite my then undiagnosed autism.

[Anonymous]

The foster system in DC does this in order to avoid having to provide supports to non-kin fostering families. It's a good idea for a bunch of reasons, but leaving you without those resources is not one of them. Ask to get certified as a foster care placement for this child and to be treated as a foster parent rather than as "kinship care."

[Anonymous]

My son's friend was your nephew.

Therapist for you and for him... this person will guide you in parenting and help you deal with the stress of parenting a child with trauma.

Tutor will be key. I would have him repeat 4th grade if that is the grade he is in with intensive tutoring.

Make sure he does a sport or an art or something as an outlet.

You are a good person to do this, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the state you should be able to get some monthly monies to help defray the cost.

You also may have access to some free parenting classes.

God Bless you. You are doing a good thing.