Taking custody of my 10 year old nephew

[Anonymous]

You are going to chance the course of his life for the better OP.

[Anonymous]

Do it and take everything one day at a time. You’re not insane; you’ll be doing what kin have done for all of human history: sharing responsibility for raising children.

I am a foster parent who just sent two teen girls to live with their aunt because their mom cannot care for them due to mental illness and a cross landed the girls in care. I cannot tell you how beautifully obvious is was to me and the social workers that these kids belonged with their family. After no formal school for years and living off the grid, they are back with people who love and can care for them, and who love their mother, too. The overwhelm the aunt felt was and I’m sure I’d still huge, but day by day they are on a path to their new normal.

Very best to you and your nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it and take everything one day at a time. You’re not insane; you’ll be doing what kin have done for all of human history: sharing responsibility for raising children.

I am a foster parent who just sent two teen girls to live with their aunt because their mom cannot care for them due to mental illness and a cross landed the girls in care. I cannot tell you how beautifully obvious is was to me and the social workers that these kids belonged with their family. After no formal school for years and living off the grid, they are back with people who love and can care for them, and who love their mother, too. The overwhelm the aunt felt was and I’m sure I’d still huge, but day by day they are on a path to their new normal.

Very best to you and your nephew.

Cross=crisis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are doing a very good thing OP. Family and connection are the very core of what makes life works living, and I don’t think you’ll ever regret stepping up this way.

Check out the work of Karyn Purvis/The Connected Child for some helpful stuff on parenting a child who has been through trauma.

Yes very helpful reading. Also be aware there may be a honeymoon effect going on right now. Not at all atypical with children of trauma. Stay calm & it's great you have self awareness of possible rigid thinking. Ross Greene's writings are excellent and very helpful to strategize a plan if things start going south. Best of luck to you both, you are doing a wonderful thing that could change the course of his life in a profoundly positive way. ---Adopt mom of older child

[Anonymous]

I call troll, you don’t go from no custody to full custody in the span of a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll, you don’t go from no custody to full custody in the span of a weekend.

There is alot of information that i'm not giving but the fact that this was the 3rd time he was removed from their home sped things up a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll, you don’t go from no custody to full custody in the span of a weekend.

You sure can. It is likely to be temporary custody rather than permanent, but this is not uncommon if the child was removed. It's tpr and adoption that take a long time, not changing custody. The bar is actually pretty low to remove a kid from parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him. No question.

This vs foster dare. There really isn’t any other option unless you are an addict or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am i insane for doing this if the only alternative is foster care? I know there are going to be challenges with education because he hasn't been to school in 3 years but is there anything else i should be aware of? Any questions i should ask the cps worker? I have zero experience raising children.

We adopted DS (a relative of DH) as a teen to keep him out of foster care. He had bounced between his bio mom and other relatives for years until the pandemic hit.

For several years, we offered only respite care for his caregivers. Then we paid for private school (his local public school system was abysmal), sports, and camps as well as respite. Finally, his elderly caregiver had an unbearable amount of Covid-19 health anxiety in the Spring of 2020 and wanted him gone so he came to live with us. It was easiest to adopt him, but it wasn’t easy if that makes sense. His former caregiver passed away (but not from COVID) so he would have gone into a group home possibly.

He’s a lovely kid. No regrets. We are all in therapy. It helps.

[Anonymous]

I took my niece with severe autism for two years. It wasn’t easy but her father died and her mother was very sick. I couldn’t see her going with strangers.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you and your nephew doing? Can you give us an update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: I now have full custody of him, His father is to have no contact due to his history of violence but his mother (my sister) can visit him as long as i am present and she is sober, He starts school monday in 5th grade with after school tutoring, I am also looking for a family therapist, over all things have gone well so far.

Thanks for the update, OP.

Was it you who posted that they have autism? If that's the case, then I would urge you to retain a therapist for yourself. My husband has autistic tendencies and has developed a conflict-ridden relationship with our teen son. He's very rigid in his thinking, and while that did not pose problems before when the kids were not pushing back on our rules, now it is, because my husband has difficulty persuading/convincing, which is such an important part of parenting an adolescent. He goes directly to punishment, which riles up teen DS even more, and leads to entirely preventable arguments! I'm very glad you're taking in your nephew, but please watch out for that tendency to rigid thinking. Best wishes!

It was me but its very mild and that's why it took so long for anyone to notice, I can be flexible as long as someone isn't being too unreasonable.

Teens are often irrational, when their hormones kick in I highly recommend you read books about adolescence when the time comes, and bear in mind that trying to persuade them always works better than commanding them. Catch more flies with honey, and all that...

[Anonymous]

OP you are doing a wonderful thing and are far from crazy. I was a CPS worker and would do anything to keep a kid out of foster care. It puts them through so much additional trauma (not that foster parents are terrible people...far from it) but because often other foster kids victimize other foster kids physically, mentally and sexually because of what they have been through themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you and your nephew doing? Can you give us an update?

We're doing good, Mostly just busy getting caught up on school stuff, He's been spending alot of time outside with the neighbor's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you and your nephew doing? Can you give us an update?

We're doing good, Mostly just busy getting caught up on school stuff, He's been spending alot of time outside with the neighbor's kids.

Thanks for the update! I'm glad you're both doing well.

Best wishes to you both.