Trifecta anyone? Teens, needy/challenging elderly parents and peri menopause/menopause

[Anonymous]

My people! I’m in the thick of it. Just lost FIL last week and trying to manage my 82yo dad from afar. DC seems to be having body issues and DH is going to work himself to death. Cheers to the sh!tshow.

[Anonymous]

I'm a member of this club but don't want to be. Dad has dementia and I'm the closest kid. Other is a 2 hour flight away (not that far), but I get the brunt of dad's stuff.

Daughter is an angry, mean teen. Not to everyone else, just to mom and dad (more mom than dad). Trying to hang in there until she's off to college (16 months, that's not too bad, right? At least the end of daily misery is in sight.

Menopause SUCKS. Working with my doctors now to try and get symptoms under control, but cannot do HRT (lots of family cancer history).

[Anonymous]

I feel like we're not just the sandwich generation, we're the panini -- being squashed in a hot grill. Probably with George Foreman doing the squashing.

Nothing but empathy here!

[Anonymous]

Can I be an honorary member? I’m a 40 year old mom of 4 young kids with a workaholic spouse who lives a 5 hour plane flight from my ornery, difficult, long divorced mother who is 77 and developing dementia. A close friend recently picked a fight with me by saying im so selfish because I never have time for them (angry that I spend too much time with my kids and helping my mom). I feel so alone and that life sucks. Also, none of these people are grateful or nice to me.

[Anonymous]

Hey Honorary Member, welcome. There's plenty of room for those in thankless, caregiving situations. I don't know why everyone becomes so demanding of our time and attention. I do have one friend who isn't married and doesn't have kids. She couldn't relate to my sandwich and seemed hurt that I wasn't able to hang out like when we were younger. Then her parents fell into major health challenges and she sees things differently.

This is a stage of life that is not talked about before you're in it. Now I know why. Depressing as hell.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the middle of it all -- 80 yr. mom with dementia, 3 kids 14-20 with various issues, and in the middle of menopause. I've been dreading this period of time for a very long time -- I was hoping my parents would stay healthy long enough to get my kids all off to college, but it all came crashing down this year.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Just want to thank you for these responses. I relate so much And it makes me feel less alone! This is an insane and impossible stage of life!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I be an honorary member? I’m a 40 year old mom of 4 young kids with a workaholic spouse who lives a 5 hour plane flight from my ornery, difficult, long divorced mother who is 77 and developing dementia. A close friend recently picked a fight with me by saying im so selfish because I never have time for them (angry that I spend too much time with my kids and helping my mom). I feel so alone and that life sucks. Also, none of these people are grateful or nice to me.

Op again. There are so many times I could have written all these same words.

[Anonymous]

This is my life too OP and my (sagging) butt is completely kicked. I honestly understand now those women who quit it all to become yoga teachers at 45. I’ll add the challenge of homeownership to this list of things that have us maxed in our 40s. Getting some repairs done wouldn’t be a big hassle if we weren’t already drowning with the demands of teens and aging parents. I also now understand people whose homes start to fall into borderline disrepair and later as retirees have the bandwidth to keep the house looking cute again.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the thick of this right now and this is helpful to read. In laws are 80 and getting older. Our kids are young. Between saving for their college (which we have to do now because DH will be retired by the time they start), saving for our retirement and sending money to in laws, we literally run out of money in our checking account every month. In my opinion, we need help. Specifically, with resolving how much to support in-laws and at what cost to our kids' future. If we stop saving for retirement to support in laws, we just repeat the cycle and our kids will be in the same spot we're in. And over my dead body will I stop saving for college - I'd get a divorce if it comes to that as I know I could support myself and my kids on my own.

[Anonymous]

me too.

I am 52, have a 11 and 13 year old. My 13 year old has mental health challenges and is somewhere between needing weekly therapy and needing outpatient program, it changes on a daily basis.

My mom is 83 and I moved her to be closer to us when she was unable to care for herself well. She's now developing dementia and has severe anxiety and health issues so she calls me every single day, multiple times, needing things, wanting to go to the doctor, the hospital, etc. The assisted living place is a joke. I have one sibling across the country who does nothing (and has no dependents, spouse, or pets). I do her finances, medical, taxes, shopping, doctors appointments, etc.

My father (parents are divorced) has ongoing health issues, but at least I am not responsible for him at this point as my stepmom is here.

My spouse is taking care of his mother--92--who is in a wheelchair in a nursing home.

I have a new job that has travel and is anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. I dream about taking FMLA to deal with some of this but I can't afford to do so, and need to actually increase my earnings in the next decade.

also, same here with the money issues--DH has had to support his parents and an older child who appears emotionally disabled/unable to work, we havent saved enough for college and with looming memory care I worry that my mom's nest egg will be gone. I never want to put my kids through this (although I doubt they would take care of me either. I try to be a good mother but, at least with my son, I wonder if he will maintain a relationship with me). Also, DH insisted on buying way too much house and we have 27 years now on a 600k mortgage and I hate it every day but now we can't sell because we locked in a 3.5% interest rate so I feel like we just have debt.

I dont know if I'm hitting menopause as i got a mirena a year ago to deal with periods, but I dont sleep. Hormones, anxiety, not sure. I fall asleep at 11 am, wake up between 1-2 am, and am up until 5 am, then get another 1.5 hours.

[Anonymous]

In my case, death of both parents plus death of last aunt, plus death of last uncle, plus death of brother. Grief all over the place. And teenager challenges and perimenopause.

Definitely sucks. Better than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

Raising my hand, part of this club. Not one I wanted to join and I don't see how I can exit it any time soon. An elderly parent lives with us, has heart issues, and early-stage dementia, and is requiring more help on a daily basis, had a recent hospital stay that now requires more medicines, more follow doctor appointments etc. Her finances are a mess even though for years I have worked with her to get "things in order". In-laws who live across the country, who were incredibly healthy up until this year, have all kinds of serious health issues and no family close by to help out. My son will be heading off to college this fall and while I use to think was a very mature kid seems to be retreating into stupid teenager mode. My husband has an intense job with lots of travel added to regularly trying to visit with his parents across the country. I have my own demanding and stressful job. The number one thing people say to me is "remember to take care of yourself" to which I laugh. Because I understand the sentiment, but after a long day of working, caring for others, and trying to move through life finding the time, energy, and joy to care for myself has evaporated. I don't drink because I honestly think I will become an alcoholic if I do. So far just this month every doctors appointment I have made for myself I have had to re-schedule because my mom's appointments trump my own. I can't plan anything fun or even an overnight getaway to catch my breathe. I watched my father go thru this with his mom and by the time she had died, he ended up with cancer and a heart attack followed by death. So I know all too well the importance of self-care. But how do you find a balance? I guess thankfully I'm on the end stages of menopause so at least I have that going for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're not just the sandwich generation, we're the panini -- being squashed in a hot grill. Probably with George Foreman doing the squashing.

Nothing but empathy here!

This made me laugh!! I can visually see this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count me in. Midlife health issues cropping up, one living parent who is difficult as hell, two aging ILs who are actually ramping up family drama, kid with sn, struggling with work stress. At least DH and I are solid, but we're both very worn down and traveling on fumes.

I come to this board so I don't feel alone, but I'm sorry we're all going through this.

I relate so much to this I almost thought I wrote it.